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Native son

I have a confession to make: I am not a native Rhode Islander. I come from perhaps the anti-Rhode Island -- New York, a big, populated place where the accents are exactly opposite to those of Ocean Staters, a kind of loop over the middle of words compared to RI's ignorance of the last syllable; a place based on land and "Empire," as opposed to the discretion of water and "Ocean."

But I have in fact lived and worked in RI, chosen to live and work in RI, for my entire adult life. So I admit, I was not indeed born here, was neither raised on quahogs nor truly understand, no matter how I've tried, the subtle appeal of Walter Cryan, but have instead volunteered, in a different way than any native could, to spend the bulk of my time in what must be the quirkiest state in the Union, with the possible exception of Maine, and who would possibly choose to live in Maine?

And it is because of this that, year after year, I have faced the same dilemma, over and over again: what to do with the relatives when they drive the three or more hours to visit. Every year more and more of them make the trip to the Ocean State, be it Prov or Newport or Bristol or East Greenwich, and each year it is up to your fair Phoenix journalist to figure out not only just what they are going to do for the time spent, but also how to tell them they are going to do that while giving them the illusion that they are coming up with the plan on their own, as Ma/Pa/Sis/Grandma et al. need to believe.

This year there were going to be more than 16 Stolers (gasp! a record, and almost the entire brood!), wandering around the Ocean State the entire last week of August, stopping for directions when they couldn't follow my car despite the care and precision with which I led, holding up traffic through a general lack of attention paid, making me flinch in actual physical pain when they talked to locals and trashed the pronunciation of Misquamicut and Matunuck and then later mixed up both the locations and syllable stresses of Pawcatuck and, yes, dear Pawtucket like the native Brooklynites they all are. Entertaining 16-plus of what I swear are the most spastically uncohesive clan made up of members from the ages of eight months to 85 for a whole week? Let's just say, knowing that of course I love my family, each and every one of them, "Yikes!"

And here's the thing: given that this is a "Best" essay, written to espouse the positive aspects of the state, is it not clear that the problem had is not at all the one one might expect to have: it isn't, in fact, a paucity of good activities and restaurants, etc., but, in fact, way too many good things to eat and do in a mere week's time.

It's true: even after the multiple trips to Rhode Island that have already occurred, even after having eaten in what I would consider some of the tastiest dining spots on the continent, the task was not to come up with one last desperate place to take the whole family. Instead it was to keep the family from killing themselves trying to decide between a still overwhelming number of great choices.

The Stolers nearly splintered on the very first night, trying to decide between Maria's in Misquamicut (stunning muscles in Thai Red Curry, by the way) or Camille's on da Hill (could one even possibly hope to beat the décor or the red clam sauce?) for the kick-off-the-week-fancy-schmancy dinner. We went on rotating shifts to roam around Little Compton and Watch Hill, had our own arguments over Best slice, Best clam cake, and Best place to see your grown son-the-writer act like an adolescent merely because he is in your presence too long.

And, well past that August, now, there is more yet to do. We still haven't sat outside in DePasquale sipping cappuccino and munching cannolis, as we have planned to do every year. My parents have barely touched the RI Arts scene, with nary a trip to the RISD Museum or probably 80 percent of the Downcity galleries. After having gone to poetry and fiction readings at Brown and downtown, they haven't touched an AS220 reading, have yet to see the stages at Trinity Rep, the Providence Black Rep, or the SFGT. Almost all of the arts and food festivals like the Convergence or the Jubilé have been unattended.

It's simple, really: a week every year just isn't enough. A weekend every October will not get you skating outside at the Fleet, will not get you sunning on Second Beach. Were you to vacation in RI every year, my thought is that you'd only barely approach any understanding of both the state and the gobs of things it has on tap. There is too much to do, here. Unless you're a native. Or unless you move.
-- David Andrew Stoler

Best blasphemous art display

The newest restaurant/bar in the increasingly popular Jewelry District is Jake's Bar & Grille. Owner Jackie Nichols and her son Jake have done wonders with this formerly ramshackle garage. The restaurant has a lovely patio with a garden for al fresco dining and you'll be shocked at how handsomely they've converted the interior. The food (courtesy of chef Rabbit Hoffinger) is hearty American chow and the jukebox features the only Mose Allison CD in town. But the real conversation piece is the huge mural overlooking the main dining area by RISD painter Jessica Van Dam. It's a parody of da Vinci's famous "Last Supper" but, instead of Jesus and his apostles, we get John Lennon, Patsy Cline, Kurt Cobain, Biggie Smalls, Billie Holiday and the Rat Pack -- as eclectic a group of deceased musicians as you'll find anywhere. It's a killer. 373 Richmond Street, Providence, 453-JAKE.

Best reason to go to Wyoming

Trust the annual Washington County Fair to come up with unusual contests. E.g., the egg-throwing contest, which has different age-groups paired off with an egg to toss between them, beginning just a foot apart and gradually moving as far as 10' away from each other. Or the rooster-crowing contest, in which owners place their prize cocks on a table and begin to coax them to crow -- the owners' imitation cockadoodle-doos are as amusing as the real thing. In the darkness inside the pavilion, it can be hard to tell human from fowl. The fair has many sections, with amazing displays of large or unusual vegetables, brightly-colored jars of jam, pens of calves, lambs or bunnies and afternoon and evening concerts by C & W stars. $5 adults, kids under 12 free, at the fairgrounds on Route 112, Wyoming, 539-7042.

Best place to gamble between classes

Not spending the parents cash quick enough? What institute of higher learning other than CCRI boasts a quick and convenient way to lose the rent check right down the block? Lincoln Greyhound Park is doing its part for higher ed. by offering those in need a quick fix between (and during) classes or on lunch break. Running late? No problem -- lay it down and dial up the results hotline from class on the cell, at the computer lab at lincolnparkri.com, or check ABC6 nightly at 1a.m. With live and simulcast racing, along with 1200 machines (and another 500 on the way), including the new Wheel of Fortune slots and Golden Egg 40 Ball Keno (ahhh, Keno), Lincoln Greyhound Park offers a multitude of money-burning options -- and plenty of ATM's. 1600 Louisquisset Pike, Lincoln, (800) 720-7275.

Best way to learn history without moving your lips

Now and then around the state, usually at library performances, you can find history stepping off the page in the regal, pearl-dripping form of Queen Elizabeth I. Local acting mainstay Marilyn Meardon, 68, has appeared in more than 30 plays, portraying everything from surly nun to gentle anti-abortion guerilla. But her most striking role has been that of Elizabeth Tudor, the Virgin Queen, in her one-person show, In Her Own Words. Having immersed herself in Elizabethan history and biography, Meardon glides out with hennaed hair, China-white make-up and an imperial yet charming manner. After waxing regal about court intrigues and inspiring troops, Her Most Gracious Majesty, as she insists on being addressed, is in her best form fielding audience questions. Learning about the Virgin Queen's love life or gender hassles, we most certainly are amused.

Best place to learn a new vocabulary

If you'd been at last year's Funda Fest -- Rhode Island's own Black Storytelling Festival -- you would have clapped and chanted with Tejumola Ologboni, as he pounded out West African rhythms and American rhymes; you would have hummed along with Onawumi Jean Moss, as she wove songs through her stories; you would have learned African greetings from Valerie Tutson, a thumb story from Len Cabral, dances from Abigail Jefferson and much, much more. Funda, Zulu for "to learn," is not-to-be-missed fun. Rhode Island has its own fine corps of black storytellers, including the latter three, plus Ramona Bass, Melodie Thompson, Priscilla Harris and Reggie Williams, and Funda Fest 2000 will also feature four or five tellers from outside Rhode Island, who will bring stories from African, African-American, Caribbean and Latin American traditions. January 2000, Providence and Newport, 273-4013.

Best reason to get to the movies 45 minutes early

After you blow $16 on two tickets at the Showcase Cinema in Warwick, send your girlfriend to the mix-n-match candy while you put up four quarters for the Star Wars Trilogy video game by Sega. Trilogy is a top shelf first person shooter based on the original trilogy, and includes flying an X-Wing through the trenches, battling on Hoth, guiding a speeder bike through the forest of Endor, plus some light-saber action against Darth Vader and bounty hunter Boba Fett. The graphics and sound are worth missing the previews of whatever you are seeing (or all of the Phantom Menace). Here's a secret tip to impress the ladies: on the Hoth level, every time Luke yells "Attack Pattern Delta, Go Now!" hit the EVENT button and aim at the red triangle for the automatic kill. Then again, if you are a diehard Star Wars nerd, the girlfriend thing probably doesn't apply. http://www.sega.co.jp/starwars/home/html.

Best place to live la vida loca

La Cabana is currently in Lincoln, but the Latin beats throbbing there weekends may soon wobble it over the nearby Pawtucket line. Actually, it doesn't matter where this Latino night club is physically located, for it exists essentially as a state of mind and would spontaneously generate somewhere else as long as the primal need for salsa and merengue's booty-shaking cross-rhythms keep moving the population. Which is a safe bet, since Hispanics look to become the country's largest minority in a half-dozen years. If you missed Martin's captivating "The Cup of Life" live on the February Grammies, you can catch some of his crossover cross-language Latin pop hits here, and then some. No dancing in squeaky, scuffing sneakers. 141 Reservoir Avenue, Lincoln, 724-6622.

Best bright light on a dark block

On a sultry night this past August, Gallery Agniel was packed wall-to-wall with a line out the door. The occasion? The last installment in its Picture Start Film Series of new works by up-and-coming filmmakers. The audience was rapt and still despite the heat when an unsuspecting passerby poked his head inside and yelled "movies!" with the pure joy of a kid on Christmas. Illuminated at all hours for your window-shopping pleasure, Gallery Agniel is a dash of evening shimmer on a corner of Fox Point formerly reserved for antiques and liquor. Brown grad Sara Agniel conceived the joint as "an alternative venue for the exhibition of challenging, contemporary visual art." The gallery features monthly shows of painting, sculpture, prints, photography and installation -- most by Rhode Island artists -- and public receptions on Gallery Nights. 460 Wickenden Street, Providence, 272-1522.

Best place to see Quiet Riot!!

Sure, you're over the age of 27 but never carried a brush (for that fluffy, feathered hair) in the back pocket of your tattered, acid-washed jeans. When you're done lying, get to the Station (formerly known as the Filling Station) to catch up on those aging '80s rockers we so adored. At age 34, owner Howard Julian (former guitarist for longtime local cover band Siren) has booked plenty of yesteryear's arena rockers during his five-year tenure, including Quiet Riot (twice!), Slaughter, Missing Persons, Dokken (twice!), and cherry-pie lovin' Warrant. Even better is the price, with most shows under $10. Crank up the VH-1 Big Hair of the '80s compilation and get pumped before a night at the Station. Sundays and Tuesdays offer free pool and are designated "Drinks on the Bartender" nights, with no cover -- wicked awesome, man. 211 Cowesett Avenue, West Warwick, 823-4660.

Best time to overhear Inspector Clouseau-isms

Tucked away in a corner of a state whose dominant culture often seems to be Italian-American, Woonsocket and its French-Canadian population are often overlooked. But if you attend the sixth annual Jubilé next summer, a three-day extravaganza of French culture, you will hear accents more familiar to The Pink Panther than La Dolce Vita. You can take part in the annual tourtiere (meat pie) contest -- by consuming them, of course -- while listening to Quebecois music, both contemporary and traditional. Highlights include Le Marché Français at River Island Park, with its food, crafts and arts booths, the Cirque pour Enfants, and the horse-and-buggy rides or riverboat tours of the city. Wrap it all up with a fiddle jam and dance or a classical concert. August 2000, Woonsocket, 724-2200 or 861-4445.

Best way to one-up the more-recycling-conscious-than-thou

Maybe with a table supported by stylized fish, or herons and marsh reeds, all looking like wrought iron but fashioned out of recycled steel plate and other discarded metals. Westerly sculptor John F. Mahoney used to work in human services agencies and was a founding member of the Nor'Easter Society, which combined folkloric and conservation concerns in the region. So, in 1995 when he followed his bliss and opened a custom metalwork design studio in Watch Hill, Native Images, it was natural for him to express and epitomize his environmental values sculpturally. You can see his shore birds in the lotus pond at Wilcox Park in Westerly. Mostly he attempts to merge the out- with the indoors by creating functional objects. A circular pot rack is a diorama of swimming fish. Candleholders have Giacometti-thin figures joyfully lifting candles aloft. Very celebratory stuff. 596-4379. http://www.nativeimages.com.

Best opportunity to stomp in public

Next year will be the ninth annual Newport International Polo Series at Glen Farm, in Portsmouth. On Saturday afternoons you can take a picnic or tailgate dinner and watch international polo teams go up against U.S. teams ($8 adults, children free). Polo games have six periods (or chuckers) of seven minutes each; after every chucker, each of the four riders on a team gets a new horse. Thus each team brings at least 24 thoroughbreds to gallop up and down the field. The result of all that galloping is a half-time tradition that has spectators move onto the field and stomp down the chunks of grass that have been torn up by hooves and polo sticks. The crowd is sizeable for such a little-known American sport -- the 750-1250 stompers rivaling any Tony award-winning show. Glen Farm, East Main Road (Route 138), Portsmouth, 846-0200.

Best T-shirted tenors

Their dulcet notes can be heard wafting across the waters of the Woonasquatucket on summer and fall evenings in Providence. The gondoliers of La Gondola, in addition to balancing on the stern of the slim Venetian boats, propelling them forward and expertly turning them in the Crawford Street basin, will, upon request, serenade their passengers during the 40-minute trip ($60 for two passengers, $15 for each additional up to 6). Gondolier Alan Days will render "Happy Birthday" in Italian. Cynthia Days, Alan's wife and co-owner of La Gondola, says the gondoliers sing "because Hollywood says they should -- they don't do it in Venice." But this is Providence, where everything is a little out-sized, so expect a basket of cheese and crackers, an ice bucket and glasses (for BYOB wine or champagne) and "O Solo Mio." La Gondola leaves from the dock near the Citizens Bank building, Providence, 421-8877.

Best tuxedoed tenors

Technically they aren't in tuxedos when they're in costume, be they the Duke from Rigoletto or Rodolfo in La Bohème. But any way you look at it, the tenors in the Ocean State Lyric Opera are top-notch. Rodolfo (played this past September by David Corman) sings of his love for Mimi (Maria Spacagna) in a sweet aria called "Che gelida manina" (thy tiny hand is frozen), and later joins her in a heart-tugging duet, "Addio, senza rancor" (farewell, without regrets), that grows into a quartet. It's in those soaring harmonies that you hear the voice as a trained musical instrument and appreciate the emotional timbre behind the notes. 331-6060.

Best boost to our indie cred

So we're not the cradle of alternative rock -- we're at peace with that. Still, it's disturbing to hear that a local club kid presenting a Rhode Island license at a Seattle rock show was met with the query, "Providence? Is it just like the TV show?" With a wholesome NBC drama and a mainstream mall to its credit, is Providence witnessing the dimming of its alterna-hip sheen? Not yet. Just in the nick of time, homegrown alt rock siren and former front-woman of Newport's own Throwing Muses Kristin Hersh moved her family out of the California desert and back to our very own Providence. That's right, the woman Rolling Stone Magazine dubbed "simply one of the most talented artists around" has been sighted buying baby paraphernalia at the CVS on Thayer Street. With a dreamy new album called "Sky Motel," Hersh is at the top of her game. And for even more fun, listen to old Muses records and wonder if lines like "nothing ever happens here/I sit, I just wait" refer to Rhode Island. http://www.throwingmusic.com.

Best way to disprove that spitting theory

Some people love to walk their dogs; others climb on a horse and canter away. But for the truly exotic hiking companion, try a llama at the Llama Farma in Cumberland, which specializes in breeding registered llamas on 38 acres of hilly, woodsy terrain. One can choose day hikes of three to four or five to 10 miles with a picnic along the way ($25 per person, two people per llama, groups must be at least six, reservations required). Sunset llama hikes (adults only) are held each month on the Friday evening closest to the full moon. Participants walk through forest and field, break for a wine and cheese snack and then return between 10:30 p.m. and 12 a.m. ($30 per person). Check the gift shop, with fibers made from llama and camel wool. Or make like Michael Jackson and rent a llama for a day: it's $600. 202 Nate Whipple Highway, Cumberland, 334-1873.

Best mix of black-garbed film buffs, celebs, and hoi poloi

What an appropriately posh place for a celebration of flickering fantasies. An annual Newport International Film Festival, held for the second time this summer, was long overdue. It's still "a baby festival," as co-founder Nancy Donahoe points out, so we civilians do not yet need to sport sunglasses to face the glinting diamonds and million-dollar smiles of Hollywood glitterati. That will change. Impressions accrue. When the occasional movie mogul like Miramax's Harvey Weinstein or celeb like Polly Draper or Tony Roberts get impressed and take their impressions back to LA, buzz grows. The rest of us don't do too badly either. This year we chatted at screenings with director Whit Stillman and actor Peter Riegert. And at those early morning panel discussion, it was always fun to hear filmmakers whine about things rarely going their way -- we knew we had a lot in common with the rich and famous! http://www.newportfilmfestival.com.

Best place to water a sculpture

There are all kinds of uses for the Green Animals topiary garden in Portsmouth: you dragged around a potted plant instead of a blankie as a kid and need a lift; you are an artist looking for a "fresh" genre; you are simply more comfortable amidst the surreal than the real. Regardless of what tame or twisted urges draw you there, the oldest topiary display in the country is not a local sight to be missed. The 80 pieces of sculpted privet, yew and English boxwood that are shaped into decorative and geometric designs and 21 animals and birds are on a seven-acre estate overlooking Narragansett Bay, purchased in 1872 by Thomas E. Brayton, a cotton manufacturer with a sense of humor. So when you feel like strolling through a living Edward Gorey illustration just bring $6.50 ($3 for kids) and a sense of delight to Cory's Lane, off of Rte. 114 in Portsmouth, May to October, 683-1267.

Best summertime swing with a view

The summer of '99 saw a return of swing dancers to the Towers in Narragansett, a venue previously reserved for private functions. Kicking the two-month season off was Andrew Bird and his Bowl of Fire band, playing their own hot brand of swing. They were followed by the Hatfields and McCoys doing Appalachian swing, Slippery Sneakers with zydeco (a swamp version of '50s jitterbug), the Boogitos with R & B, Latin and swing, the Smoking Jackets and their barrel house blues, and Greg Abate and Dick Johnson with their own smokin' horns. Next summer's four-month line-up will see all these and more, including the teen-age band Groove Dogs. Look forward to enjoying the public access to the Towers, the beautiful day's-end view of the beach and shore and the no-booze, no-smoking, low-cost ($5-$10) dance opportunity. Ocean Road, Narragansett, 295-5270.

Best place to imagine you're in a 19th-century painting

Looking at this 70-foot-high stony outcropping from the hill above it, with its pastoral scene of vegetation and ponds surrounding it, you could imagine you are peering into a life-sized painting by a Hudson River School artist. In fact, painters George Quincy Thorndike, William Morris Hunt and John LaFarge all took inspiration from the Hanging Rock in the Paradise section of Middletown (their works are exhibited at the Newport Art Museum through Jan. 2). So did philosopher Bishop George Berkeley, who admired the view from its cleft in 1729 (the rock is sometimes called the Bishop's Seat). Access to this unusual geographical phenomenon is via one of the seven miles worth of trails in the 30-acre Norman Bird Sanctuary. It's a beautiful hike along a rocky ridge with sweeping views of the ocean and marshlands. Admission $4 adults, $2 children. 583 Third Beach Road, Middletown, 846-2577.

Best use of Narragansett Bay as a scenic backdrop

The gentle shushing of waves against the seawall on Goat Island is the perfect accompaniment to Island Moving Company's annual summer performances there. Catching the early-evening light, the dancers start before the sun moves below the horizon and finish in the twilight. Their gracefully moving forms are golden lit and the ebb and flow of the water, with its shades of changing blues, is alternately as restful and as dramatic as the choreography of their modern ballet pieces. Their Jamestown concerts have also been performed on a lawn sloping to Narragansett Bay, and the August performances are at St. George's, with a panoramic view of Middletown's Second Beach. As courageous as it is to schedule outdoor concerts, it's even more daring to dance them: sometimes the competition is the wind, sometimes a light drizzle. There is, however, always the allure of the ocean nearby. 847-4470.

Best Korn-y band that actually plays originals

Let's face facts: there are plenty of local, loud ass bands that suck -- but Grin ain't one of 'em. With a debut EP due out by the end of the year, this Warwick-based trio has stirred up local crowds at recent Met Café and Century Lounge gigs without Korn covers or half-ass, second rate vocals. Lead singer/songwriter/guitarist Dave Mills is running the show with talent to match at 21 years young. Grin's rousing version of "Jump Around" would have Fred Durst nodding in delight. But, unlike Durst or Jonathan Davis, Mills can actually sing. Similar to national acts like the Deftones, Rage, and Bizkit, Grin is slowly building an audience via an intense live sound and stage presence. But enough with the namedropping comparisons -- peep the local club listings and make a note to check 'em out.

Best place to freestyle

You've seen the large elephant trumpeting on their T-shirts -- well, it's time to blow your own horn. Round Midnight, an open mike/performance workshop sponsored by Providence Black Rep. brings more than a dozen hip-hop and rap artists, both veterans and newcomers, to the stage at each session, putting thoughts into rhyme and feelings into rhythm. Artistic director Donald King (see News Section for Local Heroes) sees it as an opportunity for youth to develop and showcase their skills and talents and as a place where people of all ages and talents can experiment, nurturing and supporting each other's creativity. Artist-in-resident Raidge, often on tap, raps in a style he calls "verbal Aikido," challenging all who listen to take notice and take notes. Admission is $3; it begins around 10:30 p.m., Fridays. Watch for the breakers practicing out front. 131 Washington Street, Providence, 351-0353.

Best view of baby Y2K

You've missed the deadline for New Year's reservations at the Biltmore, but you can do the next best thing: jump in the Providence Biltmore elevator and ride to the top just before 1999 rolls into the Year 2000. As you rise above Kennedy Plaza, you'll see skaters gliding across the ice at the Fleet Skating Center, kids climbing onto statues to get a better view of the fireworks at the State House, parents craning their necks in that direction. And with the lights around the fast-rising, glass-sided elevator, you might feel like a bottle-rocket yourself. And then of course the elevator drops, with that stomach-dropping whoosh -- the finest of sensations with which to see the entire city shut down due to Y2K cpu glitches. Providence Biltmore Hotel, Kennedy Plaza, Providence.

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