[Sidebar] November 11 - 18, 1999

[Features]

The Best

Romance

Cult of personality

This is the first thing I learned when I came to work at the Phoenix: when it comes time to get that shaggy mane clipped, I was told by a good eight Phoenix employees, there is only one person to talk to: Gerra at nearby Chestnuts. So, ok, when my sideburns started to resemble those of our dear General Burnside -- the hirsute Civil War General whose Benefit Street mansion still stares menacingly downtown and for whom that style of facial hair is named -- I indeed tried to make an appointment with Gerra. I was told her first free time was in a month.

"No way," I said.

"It's worth it," the Cult of Gerra demanded.

And so I did wait. (How could I argue with their numbers and brainwashing ways?) I gave myself a little emergency trim and lived with the dreaded Hockey-hair for a good two weeks in anticipation of what, I was sure, would be worth what was actually the first appointment I had ever mad for a haircut, as I was, to this point, more a member of the Cult of SuperCuts than anything else.

And this is the first thing she said to me, this supposed lock-goddess: fingers tussling my brown hair for the first time, inspecting my part and the way my hair might potentially fall around it: the first thing she said to me, her very newest customer, was, "Yup. Can see the pattern."

"Huh?"

"The pattern. You're losing it."

My jaw, at that moment: agape; even a slight and clammy sweat breaking out on my body as I contemplate the possibility of baldness for the very first time in my life. The only thing I can say to her, then, is "Did they teach you that in hair-cutting school? Did you miss the lesson on chair-side manner? The one entitled `The Second Greatest Insecurity of the Male Gender and How to Avoid Mentioning It While Still Figuring Out if Your Client Does or Does Not Want the Comb-Over? Were you out that day?"

"Well, you need to know. There's nothing worse than a balding man in denial," she says. And it's true, but that's not the point. What the point is is that she then went on to give me one of the best cuts I have ever had in my life, and has done so each time I have had my hair cut since. She is also super-cool, as unholy as ever and, in her way, an important part of that which makes up my Providence experience. I, now, am a card-carrying member of the Cult of Gerra.

And what I am thinking and why this is relevant as an introduction to the Best categories Romance, City Life, and Shopping: our beloved state, small as it may be, varied in terrain from rolling hills to crashing ocean to small town to downtown macadam, is teeming with Gerras -- those with a verve and a no-nonsense tongue, those for whom the normal rules apply in just slightly different ways. Essential to the make-up of our population are certain characters that are both idiosyncratic and eccentric, characters that have everything to do with what makes living in Providence and Rhode Island a particularly peculiar experience, one that sets us apart from the rest of New England and the continent proper. Think Bob "Cool Moose" Healey; think Doug White; think Louis Gianfrancesco (that he rest in peace); think our own dear Rudy Cheeks, or the Farrelly Brothers; Carolyn Fox, Bert Crenca, or Rich Lupo. It is both Barnaby Evans and the Cardis, each in their own way. And/or, of course and simply, Buddy. People, all of them, with a distinct sass that is essentially of Rhode Island.

And so, too, then, they are essential to the way we live in the city, the way we love here, and the things we do and way we buy. They inform who we are and how we consume, products, the city and each other. How we look at things and how we do them. Peppered throughout this Phoenix section -- indeed, the entire issue -- one will find that many of the Bests included have less to do with things or places than with the people that run them. City Life is pretty well summed up by watching the Provcats at Candace Street hooping it up, or perched on the stoop of the Store24 with all of the baggy-jeaned kids hanging out there; whether anyone takes the romantic advice of Jeffrey Starr is not the point -- he is offering it, and offering it for you; and for their own specialized groups of people seeking out certain special things, the names Luke, Swany, John Devine and Peter Pan are essential.

Saying these names, listing them, though they might be just a small portion of all the oddballs, characters, and personalities that make up the town, is like calling out roll call. These are the people who we live with, shop with, who we see standing in line at the deli and who, because of the size of the state and the nature of our small-town big-city ethos, we actually have something to say to, have a common event or experience to reference. And they are not at all limited to the names mentioned. That, in fact, is the point. In PVD, in RI, there are, everywhere, people of peculiar temperament and individuals that breed loyalty to them and to the city and the state, that demand that we call out to them in public. We are members of their cults -- the Cult of Buddy, the Cult of Salty, or the Cult of Gerra. And, intrinsically, then, the Cult of Rhode Island.
-- David Andrew Stoler

Best place to learn New Age romantic cliches

Aficionados of local cable-access television give rave reviews to our favorite weirdo program on the tube, The Jeffrey Starr Show. Jeffrey is a well-preserved radio veteran who sits around on an impossibly phony cardboard set and waxes eloquent on matters of the heart. His dubious Low Vegas double-entendre patter is a hoot as he takes phone calls, flirts with the female "guest hosts" and offers a steady stream of advice on the order of "as long as nobody gets hurt." Mr. Starr's compulsive self-promotion (including his own line of Jeffrey Starr trading cards) is positively astonishing and his smooth delivery is remarkably similar to Bill Murray's old SNL lounge singer act. Your mouth will be agape as he ends each show dancing about the set while trying on gorilla masks and bad sunglasses purchased at some local novelty shop. Absolutely spellbinding. RI State Interconnect A, Friday nights, 7:30 p.m.

Best place to buy the rock that'll make her gasp

What you don't want to do is fork over big bucks at any discount house that claims the lowest prices. Dealers are allowed to be off by one rating level when grading a diamond since some subjectivity is involved, so disreputable places regularly look optimistically upon their sparkling wares, which inflates their price. At Baxter's Jewelry Showroom the Messerlian family is behind the counter and no one's salary depends on how much they hype and push merchandise. They sell mostly loose diamonds for your choice of setting, because the only way to judge clarity is by looking through the back of a cut diamond. Just ask and father Robert or son Paul will give you some quick lessons in looking for a quality cut and in trading off imperceptible "inclusions," or flaws, for price. 200 Jefferson Boulevard, Warwick, 739-8222.

Best romantic re-creation of Frontierland

Our beloved Roger Williams Park may be located in the less-than-majestic area of Providence known as Elmwood Avenue, but that certainly does not reduce the romance quotient. Amongst the choice picnic spots and romantic nooks within the park is Lover's Retreat (many of the amorous spots are not listed on the park map, adding to the lovey-dovey ambience). Located between the Casino function hall (no, there are no video slots there) and a statue of the man himself, this section of the park resembles something from Disneyworld's Frontierland. Overlooking Roosevelt and Willow lakes, the brown and pastel-yellow wooden footbridge accentuates the vivid fall foliage. Unfortunately, Lover's Retreat has received its share of graffiti and junior high-inspired Sharpie doodlings, but the bridge remains one of the most popular spots within Roger Williams Park. Elmwood Avenue, Providence, 785-9450.

Best place for a serious talk

Rhode Island has its share of colorful place names, with colorful legends attached. One of the most intriguing is Purgatory Chasm, in the Paradise section of Middletown. One purportedly Native American tale has the devil capturing a woman and taking her to the rocks near Purgatory. There he chopped her head off and threw her body into the chasm. The story lends an eeriness to the echoes thrown back from the tide rushing into the 160-foot-long fissure. But the legend shouldn't concern you if you're looking for a place to hash out a few things: the meditative power of sitting atop a cliff that scans the open ocean can do wonders for a heart-to-heart discussion. Small parking lot between Purgatory Road and Tuckerman Avenue, Middletown.

Best acid flashback with your high school sweetheart

Lace up the trail running kicks, grab a 12-pack and understand that though there are many adventures at Fort Wetherill State Park in Jamestown, some are more legal than others. Not that jumping or diving from the 100-foot granite cliffs was ever officially allowed -- it was just every adolescent's best idea of a dare. But the paths along the cliffs and ruined fortifications -- it was one of five Narragansett Bay defenses during both World Wars -- provide glorious views of the East Passage and of the sweeping lawn at Hammersmith Farm across the way. The infamous, dilapidated concrete forts, complete with pitch black, cave-like barracks and trenches, make The Blair Witch Project seem like a walk in the park. Rock-climbers can flex their toes, and the park has two popular diving coves, where scuba enthusiasts report a variety of fish, even tropical ones straying out of the Gulf Stream in late summer, as well as an unusual wreck: a Pontiac Grand Prix from the late '60s. Fort Wetherill Road, Jamestown.

Best remedy for (other) lipstick stains on the collar

Forget the Shout. After pulling a stunt like this, the last thing on your mind should be getting the stain out. Head immediately to Jephry Floral Studio. A dozen traditional red roses just aren't going to cut it; you'll need something a bit more creative to get out of the doghouse this time. If you can collect your wits enough to describe the scene to owner Jeffrey Kerkhoff, he'll whip together a peace offering so beautiful that she'll feel like the other woman. He'll even take your mind off your troubles by suggesting fresh flowers of which you've probably never heard. All this while you wait so you can immediately move beyond the lies and begin the healing. And while she's distracted by the true beauty of Jeffrey's handiwork, you might just want to quietly bury that shirt at the bottom of the trash can. 436 Broadway, Providence, 351-3510.

Best place to crash a wedding

To avoid detection, you probably want to dress in your Sunday best. No one's going to mistake you for long lost cousin Pat if you're sporting your polyester work uniform. Dress, then head to the Elmwood Avenue entrance of Roger Williams Park. Be sure to keep your engine running -- once a white limo comes into view, it'll be easier to merge your car into the convoy of family and friends. If you lose them, they are probably heading to the Japanese Garden, the Temple of Music or the Casino. Once the newlyweds exit the car, hang close to find out the first names of the bride and groom. This is key to provide authenticity when you jump into the group shot. If you're really good, you may even be able to con your way to a free meal at the reception. Elmwood Avenue, Providence, 785-9450.

Best gray day/Halloween date

Tall weeping willows swaying like a ballerina, ancient pines rustling, gray marble statuary reminiscent of Stonehenge . . . it is a scene right out of Stephen King. One of Rhode Island's best historic cemeteries, Juniper Hill in Bristol, is the perfect place for the date you absolutely must take into your arms. Go when the sun is behind the clouds to see that size does mean something and that statuary reigns supreme: jammed into a tiny hillside are family plots where Samuel Pomeroy Colt's headstone shoots more phallic than his infamous .45, where Charles Dana Gibson's wife Abby lies demurely under girlish granite, and where the blood of a Barrymore phones home near stately oaks. A huge stone gate marks the entrance and tiny roadways point the way. Beware of the giants who lie here, quiet now, but once roaring. Off Bayview Avenue, Bristol.

Best place to practice your French in the dark

(OK, second best.) The same morphing technology that brings you chihauhaus hawking tacos is now promising to trigger a revolution: dubbed foreign films without that annoying lack of synch between lip movement and dialogue. The hope is that the fussy American public will more readily sit through the next La Cage aux Folles, the last dubbed import to be a big hit, way back in 1978. Resist. Dubbing bad, subtitles good. Say it. The Avon Cinema has been screening the best of the subtitled imports for years. Let's hope it survives the mall megaplex, n'est-çe pas? Would you honestly want someone besides Marlene Dietrich, as she curls her legs around that cabaret chair in The Blue Angel, singing the German lyrics to "Falling In Love Again"? Resist. Besides, how could you pass up the delight of dredging up a passable translation of a simple declarative sentence before peeking at the bottom? 260 Thayer Street, Providence, 421-3315. http://www.avoncinema.com.

Best winter getaway to a southern island

You don't have to fly to Bermuda; you don't have to commute to Nantucket. You just get yourself to Point Judith and hop the Block Island Ferry ($16.30 round trip). The island's quiet season is perfect for a twosome who want to spoon and then some. Bed down at a cozy B&B (try 1661 Inn close to the harbor; Helterline House three miles out); walk or bike the roads and trails (the island's only 11 miles square) to sandy crescents or rock-strewn beaches, sweeping meadows or windswept groves. Soak in the salt air, the gray-shingled houses, the historic lighthouses at either end of the island. Linger on the western side for the sunset and then retire to your hostelry for a fireside sherry or tea. What more could you want from island life? Sun, sea and solace. Who needs sweat and sunburn? 304 Great Island Road, Narragansett, 783-4613.

Best e-z take-out culture

You set yourself up for this one. Sure, women are suckers for sensitive men -- but no way are you spending an afternoon by yourself stretched out on a blanket in the park reading a book of poetry by Keats. So how will you ever disguise your Sunday beer-swilling, football-watching true persona to carry out the farce just a bit longer? The East Side of Providence is no stranger to serving the local intelligencia, video stores included. At Vidi-O, there are gobs of independent and obscure titles, which should make planning your Saturday night seamless. And you most certainly won't be tempted by aisle upon aisle of Die Hard 17. Just make sure that the outing doesn't extend beyond midnight when the real game-day-you will surely rear its ugly head. 145 Elmgrove Avenue, Providence, 273-7722.

Best place to shear sheep with Anthony Quinn

Coggeshall Farm, a self-proclaimed "35-acre out-of-door living history museum that portrays the work and lifestyles of a 1790s coastal farm," was founded by John Coggeshall -- the first president of the Colony of Rhode Island whose assistant was . . . Roger Williams. Located just around the corner from the Bristol Yacht Club and breath-taking Poppasquash Road -- where Zorba himself summers -- the farm is home to rare breeds of sheep, fat black pigs and horned red cattle, among other four-legged friends. The yearlong calendar of events includes maple sugaring, sheep shearing, a "Blessing of the Animals" in August, and the Harvest Fair in September, complete with corn-husking contests, hay bale tosses, pony rides and a johnnycake breakfast. And this is the spot for the perfect Christmas tree (December 4-5 and 11-12). Bring a buck donation or support a membership. Coggeshall Farm Lane, Colt State Park, Bristol, 253-9062.

Best morning-after date

A Downcity dinner and movie is plenty romantic, but what about the morning after? If you're lucky enough to encounter this topic, take a morning ride down south to Exeter and visit the friendly folk at Schartner Farm. Even the most devoted city dweller can relish the lush landscape of the nearly 300 acres at South County's favorite picking spot. Grab coffee and a cruller at Allie's Donuts (an obligatory stop just down the street), and enjoy the traffic- and construction-free cruise down Route 2. Seasonal offerings include strawberry and blueberry picking, or ride a tractor out to the pumpkin patches and chill like Linus and Sally. Check out the flower variations in the king-size greenhouse and the Christmas trees aplenty. At Schartner's, the world is yours for the picking. Open every day from March through December. 5 South County Trail, Exeter, 885-5510.

Best way to be proposed to as if you were Jane Austen

Maybe you're not into hoop skirts, but haven't you wondered what a moonlight rendezvous in a horse-drawn carriage would be like? Many couples have even proposed on the carriage tours offered by the Newport Equestrian Academy along Second and Third Beaches in Middletown ($170 for a two-hour tour). Even more adventurous are the "scenic trail rides" along the two beaches, with surf-skimming hooves riding past scenic outcroppings and a view of St. George's that reminds many of Ireland, then through a portion of the beautiful Sachuest Wildlife Preserve. The "sweetheart tour" is $100 for a three-mile, two-hour ride, at your own pace, with 20 minutes of instruction before you mount one of their well-trained quarterhorses, warmbloods, thoroughbreds or Appaloosas. Newport Equestrian also offers cheaper and shorter tours for groups, ranging from $55-$85. But where's the romance in that? Open year-round. Third Beach Road, Middletown, 847-7022 or 848-5440.

Best place to show her you can get into cute

Take it easy, fella. It won't kill you. Face it, opening up to your anima is an eternal and needed process, one that may be braver than getting that cat out of the tree for her. So surprise her on a sunny afternoon with a visit to our beloved Roger Williams Park Zoo, then relax, get into it. Some of the 150 species you'll find in the 40 sprawling acres really are adorable. The two new snow leopard cubs look like plush toys that yawn and stretch. Penguins? Nobody who doesn't enjoy them can truly appreciate Charlie Chaplin. You don't have to coo at the critters, or fawn at the fawns. Just smile. They won't bite. Admission $6, free to Providence residents with proper ID first Saturday of the month. http://users.ids.net/~rwpz/.

Best place to prepare for your arranged marriage

You've finally found the man of your dreams. Tall, dark, handsome. Or at least that's what you've heard -- from your parents, who chose your future husband when you were age three. But with the wedding date quickly approaching, there's no need to get nervous. What you need is a veil. A thick one, preferably, so that if you don't like what you see, your identity will be protected -- if he doesn't see your face, he'll never recognize you on the street if you bolt. Nancy Rodrigues Spirito can help. In her quaint studio, she'll expertly determine what type of headpiece design is most flattering for your bone structure. She may even suggest a pair of gloves so that fingerprint identification isn't even a possibility. Yes ma'am, you'll look like a queen on your special day -- even while scanning the guests for a better king. 629B Park Avenue, Cranston, 941-7755.

Best test of true love

Gentlemen: surely you've shared a pizza, food of love, with your companion. But if you are lucky enough to meet a woman who shows no remorse wolfing down `three-gaggers all the way,' she's a keeper. Get the best of both worlds at Wood Street Bakery and Pizza in Bristol, home of the cholesterol-defying -- brace yourself -- "wiener pizza." Think mustard instead of marinara, meat sauce, onions and of course, sliced wieners. It's a hot seller that customers keep coming back for, says Michael Cavalieri, who, along with dad Dominic and brother Anthony, has been in the business of whipping up unique, monthly specialty pizzas for the past four years. Other Rhody-inspired offerings that can act as the ultimate devotion-test include a white quahog pizza and the calamari pizza, loaded with tender squid rings and hot peppers. 366 Wood Street, Bristol, 254-0852.

Best old-fashioned first date

You say you're a native Rhode Islander but never enjoyed a birthday party at Riverdale roller rink? C'mon. Though Riverdale was renamed the Roller Magic Warwick Skating Center in 1993, it still offers the same ambience and charm of the classic roller rink. Roll the old-fashioned way with `regular quads' ($2 rental fee) or zip around on RollerBlades ($4) while the DJ spins top 40 dance jams (Tuesday night offers an organ music skate). Rink manager Terry Young says the rink provides "more of a social setting than a bike path or typical street skating. It's still a fun place to meet people." Don't laugh, De La Soul recorded a song celebrating Saturday afternoon skating. And it's still one of the best birthday parties for the kids. Rent out the entire rink for you and up to 100 friends for $300. 700 East Avenue, Warwick, reservations 823-1990, info 823-7190.

Best way to display your sense of humor without smiling

You squint at the horizon, your weather-beaten face inured to the stinging sea spray of heavy weather, not certain that your shaky vessel can take the punishment. Furrowing your brow and summoning your last wind-whipped tatters of confidence, you turn your profile to your first mate and try not to betray the depth of your fear as you calmly utter, "Whatever you do . . . don't pull that plug!" Your seafaring partner grimaces and grips tighter the rim of the bathtub that is being kept afloat by, oh let's say 50 or 60 lashed together beach balls. You are in next August's 23 annual Fools' Rules Regatta in Jamestown. You are surrounded by "boats" assembled in no more than two hours from non-marine materials like inflated wine skins, Styrofoam, and inner tubes, and powered by everything from bed sheets to last year's delightful "sail" composed of more than 100 colorful balloons. Jamestown Town Beach, 423-0379.

Best place foran actually historic first date

Looking to turn on the charm (and calm the nerves) on that debut date? Try the tranquil surroundings of Riverside's Crescent Park Charles I.D. Looff Carousel. Make reference to its roof resembling a giant Hershey's Kiss (or give a sly wink as you point out the signs stating "Leather Straps Must Be Worn at All Times"). Built in 1895, this beautifully restored carousel is a hand-carved wooden treasure, complete with plank floors, jeweled horses and chariots, and booming organ music. In 1985 the General Assembly showed the love and proclaimed it the State Jewel of American Folk Art and in '87 it was honored as a National Historic Landmark. Prices are also old-school (75 cents, three for $2 or 20 for $10), unless you grab the famous gold ring for a freebie, the Carousel's claim to fame. Open Easter through Columbus Day. Bullocks Point Avenue, Riverside, 435-7518.

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