George W. Faust

It was so rewarding to see the panic level of P&J's good pal, Boy George Bush, reach so high in South Carolina that he sold his soul before the second real primary ever took place. His splendid swan dive into the tank at the abominable Bob Jones University, where he joined Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed in breast-stroking through racist excrement, should put a huge dagger into his campaign now that he's left this redneck, no-nothing enclave full of old fat, white, drunk good ol' boys who mourn the passing of lynchings. (It certainly appeared so after McCain cleaned house during Tuesday's Michigan and Arizona primaries. Perhaps a cheery thank-you note to Reed, Robertson and Michigan Governor John "Firewall" Engler is in order.)

The GOP strategist who was quoted as saying he'd urge a candidate to lose in South Carolina if he truly wanted to be president is looking awfully smart right now. A nice note, too, from somewhere in the great white noise of politics: a commentator pointed out that Tiger Woods, who is half black and half Thai, wouldn't be allowed to date anyone if he attended Bob Jones University.

Not only has Dubya sold his soul to the devil, he didn't even have the cojones to stand up to the man, Bob Jones III, who once called Georgie Boy's dad "a devil." Obviously not prepared to defend his father's honor in the slightest, Georgie stood proudly shoulder-to-shoulder with an MIA activist who has also demeaned Bush the elder.

One hopes that as Dubya's right-wing bedfellows continue their attacks on John McCain -- while Bush claims to remain above the fray -- a particularly ambitious investigative reporter discovers evidence linking Dubya's campaign with the coordination of these diabolical attacks. This kind of link, if it exists, is known as a felony.

Killin' 'em with compassionate conservatism

Speaking of Bush's proclivity for bending over for political benefit, a woman named Betty Lou Beets, who was convicted of killing her fifth husband, is scheduled to be executed by tough guy Boy George the day this column appears. In an op-ed piece sent to newspapers and activists, a group of Boston-based advocates for battered women (one of whom is the sister of Phoenix news editor Ian Donnis) are urging Dubya to stay the execution, saying:

"You are also aware that E. Ray Andrews, the defense attorney in Ms. Beets' four-day trial, was grossly negligent, representing her in exchange for the media rights to her story. This conflict of interest led him to avoid entering mitigating evidence in the case, including his own responsibility for suggesting she file a life insurance claim against her already deceased husband. Had this evidence been entered at the time, Betty Lou Beets would have been convicted of a non-capital offense and would not have ended up on death row.

"More recently Andrews admitted under oath that he failed to investigate her background and never entered evidence about her lifelong history of severe abuse. The jury never knew that Ms. Beets was already learning disabled, hearing impaired, and suffering from organic brain damage caused in part by severe blows to the head rendered by a succession of abusive men in her life.

"The jury didn't know that Ms. Beets suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Battered Women's Syndrome. As John Blume, an attorney on Ms. Beets' current legal team stated, `Knowing what we now do about this syndrome, a fully informed jury would never sentence a battered woman to death today.' We doubt that the Beets jury would have either, except for her tragically incompetent legal representation."

Now, Georgie, how does that story of yours go about personally reviewing every case on death row?

Safari wins another round

Late Monday afternoon, while most of us were celebrating President's Day, the Safari Lounge won another decision in Judge Robert Pirraglia's Providence court. Those who have been following the story know that the Safari, one of the few nightspots in downtown Providence where emerging bands and artists can strut their stuff, has been the target of a sustained eviction effort by landlord Stanley Weiss. The grounds for expulsion have been highly questionable. And according to lawyer John Dineen, it looks like the Safari won't be boosted any time this year. After an initial improbable victory in Judge Pirraglia's court, the good guys won again.

Congratulations to Jimmy, counselors Dineen and Litwin, and all the young artists who have made the Safari their home. This Sunday evening, Rich Lupo has made the Heartbreak Hotel available for a benefit performance featuring a slew of Safari acts to help pay for some of the legal expenses incurred in this battle. While Dineen and Litwin have taken on this case for almost nothing, the community would like to remunerate them for some of their time and heroic effort. So make it on over to Lupo's on Sunday, and celebrate a victory for the people and the arts scene in Our Little Towne.

Who Wants To Marry a Maniac?

It just doesn't get any better than this. Rick Rockwell (if that is indeed your real name, Lt. Batguano), who got hitched virtually sight unseen to one Darva Conger last week on Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?, on the ever-tasteful Fox network, just happened to have been accused of threatening to harm an ex-girlfriend in 1991. Too bad Charlie Manson is still in the can; he could have been best man.

As with most contrived shows of this sort, the truth is more bizarre than anything the producers can come up with. In addition to his rather heated record of romantic relations, Rockwell is a failed comedian who once tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by telling jokes for 30 straight hours; may not actually be a multimillionaire; may have known Conger prior to their supposed first encounter five minutes before tying the knot; and he arrived home from his honeymoon sans his bride, ostensibly because she was tuckered out. (Maybe he told her jokes the whole time they were together.) Other than that, the show's absolutely legit.

P&J say anytime you can out-weird Regis Philbin, you're really on the right track.

A little too late

When it comes to good manners, you just can't beat the leaders of the Catholic Church. Sure their timing is a little faulty, but eventually they always do the right thing.

We all remember how gracious the Vatican was in 1992, when they admitted that Galileo may have had a point in claiming the earth circled the sun, a realization that took them only 359 years to reach after denouncing the astronomer as a heretic (Vatican officials had always thought that the sun circled the earth, propelled by an organ grinder turning a wheel, accompanied by the largest monkey ever created).

Now, the Catholic Church has grudgingly admitted they "regretted" burning rationalist philosopher Bruno Giordano at the stake for his beliefs, which we're sure would perk old Bruno up if he hadn't been immolated alive in 1600. Giordano is exalted by many Italians as the father of free speech in that country, and he was feted February 17 at a statue in erected his honor in Rome. Celebrants declared the plaza in which the statue stands a Pope-free zone, a concept which Phillipe and Jorge thinks has great potential for replication. Oh, and what did Giordano do to irk the Vatican so much that they torched him? He simply doubted the tale whipped up by the Virgin Mary about her immaculate conception, and called Jesus a wizard. Too bad the National Enquirer wasn't around in those days.

Typical banking

Phillipe & Jorge were taken aback a few weeks ago when we went into the downtown branch of Citizens Bank to change some accounts. We were informed that Citizens no longer considers the Vo Dilun State Picture Identification Card a valid first form of ID. Fleet and most of the other big banks have for a number of years followed this same policy. Citizens, which has been promoting itself as "not your typical bank," seems to be acting pretty typical in this case.

What we would like to know is how the banks can consider a state driver's license as a legitimate form of identification, but not the RI identification card. They both must be acquired from the state Division of Motor Vehicles, and are virtually the same, except one states that you're licensed to operate a vehicle. When we asked about this discrepancy, we were told, "We've been having a lot of trouble with people using fake ID cards." The only thing is, the motor vehicle card is just as easy to forge as the state ID. Why would someone be making fake state ID cards when they could just as easily make a fake driver's license?

The real answer, which the banks won't admit, is quite simple. It is blatant discrimination against the poor, who are less likely to be owning and operating an automobile. We have always respected Larry Fish, Faye Sanders, Barbara Cottam and the other folks over at Citizens who have shown a bit more social conscience than the "typical banks." We think, however, that this deal sucks.

Patient misinformation

On Saturday evening at around 9:30 p.m., Jorge found himself in the emergency room of Rhode Island Hospital after suffering a brief seizure. He ended up staying in the hospital until 6 p.m. the next evening. While the care providers at RIH did a fine job, the same cannot be said of the genius-types in administration and others who were calling the shots.

Although Jorge signed papers to be officially admitted to the hospital at around 2:30 a.m., he stayed down in the ER until 7:30 a.m. waiting for a room in the critical care unit. While this was going on, Jorge could hear the physician in attendance arguing with people on the phone to get Jorge into the CCU. Meanwhile, family members who called to check on J's status were given a different explanation, with each call, of where he was and what his status was. One Einstein at the hospital even suggested that he had never been admitted and wasn't there. Another caller was told, while Jorge was in the ER, that he was already upstairs. His condition was described as "stable" by one person, "satisfactory" by another. Asked exactly what those designations meant, no answer was given.

We suggest that no one try to get actual information out of the folks at Lifescam. The likelihood of it being accurate or worthwhile is extremely unlikely.

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