Lords of the dense

While the frantic search for an itemized copy of the Bud-I's dry cleaning bill (to find those jacket stains) continues over at US District Court, Hizzoner has continued to go about his business as if nothing was amiss. Our backstage elves over at the PPAC, for instance, tell us that during the most recent performances of Riverdance, the mayor pulled a classic Bud-I backstage appearance.

With all the strenuous footwork involved in the Irish step dance tradition, the Riverdance folks regularly employ a backstage foot masseuse to revive troupe members during performances. It seems that one evening, the mighty Bud-I materialized and promptly ordered a foot rub for himself. We don't recall the mayor actually engaging in any high steppin' shenanigans on stage during the show. It might just be that his dogs were mighty tired from the dance he's been doing to avoid taking calls from reporters after each day's testimony in the Glancy trial.

Meanwhile, the BeloJo plows ahead with sensational headlines on a daily basis, with the rap on the Bud-I so far based solely on quotes from the astonishing blowhard and former chairman of the Board of Tax Assessment Review, Joseph Pannone. Headlines like "Pannone claims Cianci as mentor" (March 8), may be mighty sexy, but they don't mean a whole lot at the moment. Time will tell if the boastings of a crooked city official actually contain anything credible. There's still a big stack of tapes that haven't yet been heard or seen.

Fleet enema

A tip of the beret and sombrero to the editor who composed the front page of the Urinal's business section on March 11, and who obviously has a well-functioning moral compass. Under the lead headline, "SEC filing reveals mounting toll of Fleet-BankBoston deal" came two side-by-side subheads: "New giant to pare 4000 workers in New England," and "For Murray, it meant a $5 million year." Something wrong with this picture, perhaps?

Yes, it's the same old greedhead shit from corporate buccaneer "Fat Terry" Murray, whose head increasingly looks like a zit ready to be popped while sticking out from the too-tight collar of his white shirt. As Murray, FleetBoston Financial's chief executive ogre, pulls in a $992,000 salary -- obscenely enhanced with a $4 million bonuses -- 4000 workers got the chop, an effect that will reverberate through their families. But FleetBoston simply says "tough tittie" to the spouses and children; Fat Terry needs to make sure he's got enough moolah to retire as planned in 2003 with a wad of cash that would choke a herd of Clydesdales.

It's always uplifting to see a real business commodore get mind-boggling rewards for red-lining; charging fees to let customers talk to real tellers; refusing to accept any ID other than what the wingtipped wealthy can provide; deigning to use ATMs; providing abysmal customer service to anyone except his corporate brethren; and generally waddling around, screaming "off with their heads" to employees when the workers' existence begins to intrude on execs' personal fortune. Sleep tight, Terry. Have they taken down all the mirrors in your house yet, or does someone else shave you each morning?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

"NOOOOOOOO one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!"

That was the highlight of a long-ago Monty Python routine, screamed by Terry Jones, as he and fellow Catholic Church inquisitors in mitres and burgundy robes sprang onto the set whenever an aggrieved party would say, "I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition." T'was one of the troupe's more memorable sketches.

"NOOOOOOOO one expects the Pope to apologize for the Spanish Inquisition!!!!"

Jones can now yell that line, as Pope John Paul "Don't call me Karol" II fell on his own Toledo sword blade last Sunday and offered apologies for everything from the Inquisition, to the testiness the church displayed against Muslim infidels during the Crusades, to the MIA walkabout the Vatican took during the Holocaust.

During the 20 years P&J have been writing this column, we have certainly disagreed with many actions taken under the banner of the Catholic Church, including the Rev. Philip Smith's recent ejection of three students from Providence College because they suggested abortion might be "an immaculate concept."

But instead of stonewalling as always, J.P. Deuce has been pushing his red hushpuppies in the direction of atoning for past sins -- although we can't call them THAT, quite yet -- and should be commended for those actions, which don't always meet with universal acclaim by his buddies at Vatican City. (Although finally admitting that Galileo may have had something about the earth and sun back in the early 1600s wasn't a great stretch.) So P&J say, "Pointy hats off" to Mr. Pope for copping to the church's past mistakes, an attitude that would do all of us well if it was reflected more often in our everyday lives. (Although you'll never get us to admit we were wrong in saying it was Screamin' Jay Hawkins who discovered America in 1492.)

The empty suit

As much as we're underwhelmed by the candidacy of Al "Mr. Two-by-four" Gore, your superior correspondents are positively appalled by the prospect that an empty suit like George "Dubya" might be elected president. Take, for instance, his inability to face the relevance of campaign finance reform. While Smilin' Al might not carry a whole lot of credibility on the issue, at least he's taken up the cause. Young Shrub, on the other hand, tells us he's more focused on the bigger issues of health-care and education.

Has it not occurred to Governor Bush that if meaningful campaign finance changes were in place, the giant insurance lobby might not have the same unholy influence to assure that we maintain the same crappy health-care situation in this country? That's because the insurance companies are the primary beneficiaries of the refusal to consider any change in the status quo.

In education, the opposing forces of the NEA and the Christian right slug it out by pouring the money into the campaign coffers. Faith-based schools get tax breaks and the teachers lobby has too much influence, while worthwhile educational reform goes begging. We'd like to think that the next president could put two and two together and realize that, without some profound changes in the campaign finance rules, the political establishment will continue to be a whore operation.

Straw poll

Alert to all you residents of the ultra-cool neighborhood of Edgewood: On Thursday, March 23, there will be a candidates' debate and straw poll vote for registered voters of Cranston's First Ward at the William Hall Library Auditorium on Broad Street. From 7 to 9 p.m., the Democratic candidates for Congress in the Second District -- Kate Coyne-McCoy, James Langevin, Kevin McAllister and Angel Taveras -- will appear for what promises to be a lively forum. This is the first event of its kind in this campaign season and we expect a large and boisterous crowd.

Sign of the times

Your superior correspondents read with interest the story about the two bust-outs from Newport who got faced last Saturday with the result being the stabbing death of one of the men. What got our attention was the fact that this sordid story played out in a Bed & Breakfast in the City by the Sea. Could it be that behaviors haven't changed so much from the bad old days, when Newport's Thames Street was dotted with "bucket of blood" bars and tattooed sea dogs could be seen swaying in the breeze? Now that Newport has gone upscale, it's swaggering college kids in Lacoste shirts, khakis and topsiders who are urinating in the front yards, and you're more likely to be clobbered by an unprotected potted fern than a spittoon.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to M. Chuckie Bakst of the Other Paper for Sunday's column on same-sex marriages. Charlie continues to be well ahead of the pathetically slow curve on this issue and we fully agree that those who believe they are "speaking for God," need a reality check.

. . . belatedly to US Representative Patrick Kennedy for going public with his battle against depression. In the long run, this will help to educate many people about the realities of mental illness and the fact that it can be handled. And what turnip truck did WHJJ's John DePetro fall off of when he said, "What's he got to be depressed about?" What's DePetro's next campaign, restoring creationism?

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