Jumping to conclusions

We've all heard by now about the purported run-in at LAX that one of the Biggest Little's US representatives, Patrick Kennedy, had with a security guard. Supposedly, Patrick lost his composure and grabbed the woman by the arm, causing an injury, when his carry-on bag was deemed too big to go through the x-ray machine. Because he is who he is, with no shortage of enemies, this story has gotten big play. The BeloJo even sent a reporter to Los Angeles, panting with anticipation about this big "scandal."

P&J say let's not jump to conclusions. Let's wait until this thing plays out. There is allegedly an airport security tape that will give us a better picture of just what happened, but there are also a number of other reasons why we sense this whole episode is being blown out of proportion.

First of all, we're talking about an airport security person whose first move, after deciding she had been mistreated by Patrick, may have been to go running to the National Enquirer (a publication noted for paying its sources) with her story. Secondly, this occurred at almost the same time that another airport security person accused Jeopardy host Alex Trebek of abusive behavior and immediately proceeded to file a lawsuit.

As a member of the famous and wealthy Kennedy clan, Patrick might as well be walking around with a big dollar sign on the back of his suit jacket. Is it not totally plausible that someone, once they had a run-in with Patrick, would think they'd just hit the jackpot?

P&J have known Patrick since he was in the state legislature. We don't for a minute believe that he spouted off, "Don't you know who I am?" as alleged by the security person. It just doesn't match up with the character of the man. We can imagine that after being detained, perhaps to the point of almost missing his flight, Patrick might say, "Look, I'm Congressman Kennedy and I have an important speech, and I've got to get on this plane," or something like that. The whole, "Hey, get out of my way, I'm a big shot" posture just isn't credible to your superior correspondents.

The incident, as it has been spun by the security woman in question, just doesn't add up. The part that we do believe is that, after having a minor hissy fit, Patrick came back and apologized to her. Certainly, the LA police are doing their job by investigating this matter and the press is doing its job by covering the story. But it's just as certain that a wealthy celebrity in a rush, who has momentarily lost his cool, looks like a winning lottery ticket to some people (as Jim Baron, ace reporter of the Times of Pawtucket, so succinctly put it this week). Let's not have a rush to judgment here. There's an awfully acrid odor about this whole thing.

A sign of the times

Before the haggling at the State House over the removal of the words "Providence Plantations" from the state's official name reaches the level of a hair-pulling fight in the junior high school girl's room, Phillipe and Jorge would like to make a modest proposal.

State officials have now dipped so far into their bag of excuses as to suggest that re-doing official stationery and sand-blasting the offending words off state buildings would make these changes prohibitively expensive. That's a nice try, guys, but a little weak, as state Representative David Cicilline, sponsor of a bill to put the question before voters on the November ballot, was quick to point out.

However P&J are fairly certain that those folks whom we greatly respect, such as Cicilline and the Rev. Virgil Wood, would perhaps be quite fine with legislation that demanded that any new stationery or building plaques would not include the words "Providence Plantations."

This would allow the use of existing official letterhead at no extra cost for the immediate short term. And while it would not eradicate the words chiseled into existing buildings, those testaments from our Rogue's Island founding fathers might provide an excellent reminder to future generations that, indeed, times do change. And also that Vo Dilunduhs have raised their awareness enough to recognize that certain words are offensive to certain people, but that we can be wise enough and big enough to make amends.

Whaddya say, gang?

Junkie alert

P&J read with interest the news story on a federal advisory panel's approval of a new drug, Uprima (Up, up Rima!) that's being proposed as an anti-impotence cure. The drug, which, unlike Viagra, works on the brain, rather than the blood supply to the penis, is manufactured by the Illinois-based Tap Pharmaceuticals, a joint venture between Abbott Laboratories and Takeda Pharmaceuticals.

Concern about the new compound is based on the fact that there are a number of potentially serious "side effects" -- fainting, vomiting, dizziness and low blood pressure among them. Somehow, after hearing about how the drug works and noting that its chemical name is apomorphine, P&J note that this sounds like another drug we've heard of -- heroin. We bet that, if granted final passage, this new pill will become a fave rave of junkies everywhere.

CBS = Conflicted Broadcasting System

Perhaps it's the "Wisdom of Finke" moving slowly up the corporate ladder that, once again, has put CBS in the middle of controversy over the nearly complete erasure of the line between news, and entertainment and ad sales at the once-glorious network.

Longtime Vo Dilunduhs will recall the immortal words of ex-Channel 12 general manager Bob Finke, who, while serving on a panel that Phillipe had the good fortune to be moderating, once told a room full of URI journalism students and faculty members that he considered his viewers "dumb as shit," and made his programming decisions with that philosophy in mind. And don't think for a second that he didn't believe it and act accordingly.

Recently, we were treated to the revelation by CBS execs that the network was using high-tech imagining to place the CBS logo in the background of live and videotaped news reports. These ranged from cute little graphics slipped on to the back of hansoms in Central Park, to the New Year's eve obliteration of an entire skyscraper wall which, in reality, featured an NBC News logo and Budweiser billboard.

When CBS marketing execs were asked how such a champion of journalistic integrity as Dan "What's the Frequency, Kenneth" Rather might feel about this visual scam, they replied it was none of Rather's, or the news department's damn business, in so many words.

Now we have CBS about to air a TV special on April 15 featuring the female Walter Cronkite de notre jours, Leeza Gibbons, spotlighting creators of the Internet portal site iwon.com, which will give $10 million to a randomly selected person who has used the site in the past few months.

What the producers of the "iwon.com annual $10 Million giveaway" won't be telling you -- either through Bob Finke or a fake graphic -- is that CBS is the majority stockholder in iwon.com. Jeffrey Chester, head of the Center for Media Education, told the Associated Press, "This is clearly a commercial for a CBS investment and should be labeled as such." Why? No doubt because CBS's viewers are dumb as shit and would never find out on their own.

Sleep tight, Edward R. Murrow.

Mr. Charles Darwin had to gall to ask

This just in from the distinguished panel of inquiring minds who select recipients of the Darwin Award:

"One of the long-awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon that individual (or remains of), who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is:

"(Newsdate: September 5, 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to `live on Zionist time.'

"Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings Time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise."

If Timothy McVeigh had only worn a watch.

Department of New Trends

In this week's edition of the New Yorker, a review of Stefan Kanfer's new biography of Groucho Marxin suggests the book gives us a new look "at Groucho's inner life." That, coupled with the knowledge that an upcoming cable film bio of the Three Stooges promises to show "the dark side of the Stooges," leads your superior correspondents to believe that we are on the cusp of a new trend. Yes, it's depressing explorations into the minds of prominent comedians.

We breathlessly await the arrival of Norman Mailer's 900-page essay on what made Lou Costello tick and, of course, the Martin Scorsese flick that will emerge from the Mailer tome. Yes, Buddy, there is life after Plunder Dome. Call your agent now and get in line for the lead role.

Meanwhile, Phillipe & Jorge have already alerted a string of publishers that the text for our own "Tubby Boots: The Man, the Myth, the 18 Grasshoppers a Night," will soon be on its way.

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