How many squirrels does it take?

It seems that the farther Phillipe and Jorge stray from Casa Diablo, the weirder things get. Especially if we venture to the boonies of Little Compton, where street signs are forbidden, there's only one way in or out, and someone is obviously putting something other than fluoride in the water.

While visiting our old friends the McJims in Little Compton this past weekend, we came across a copy of the Sakonnet Times, the local rag edited by our old pal Bruce Burdett, who is trying to become the oldest man since Gordie Howe to don skates in a real game of ice hockey. Bruce's front-page story was a report on the theft, a couple of years ago, of an ancient Egyptian burial container from a local resident's attic.

Given a great deal of time to mull over who might have been the culprit, the keenly intelligent officer in charge of the investigation, the L.C.P.D.'s Corporal Sid Worrell, finally came up with this startling conclusion: "We think it was squirrels," he told Burdett. Worrell backed this bit of investigative deduction, which would have made Sherlock Holmes green with envy, by explaining that the squirrels (no doubt wearing little bandit masks) stole the burial urn from its glass case by hauling it away piece by piece. Corporal Worrell's crime-solving instincts no doubt brought him to the conclusion that the Squirrelmobile used for their getaway would be too small to fit the entire artifact.

Unfortunately, the owner of the urn, Ellen Burchard, is neither as enlightened or logical as her Hercule Poirot in residence, and begged to differ with the good officer. "That's impossible" she told the Times. "Even six squirrels working in unison couldn't have done it." No kidding. You just can't find good squirrel help these days.

Flash: Bribery legalized!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Rhode Islanders now only need to round up 23 people and you can legally give a member of the General Assembly more in bribes, excuse us, gifts, in a year than what they actually make as a senator or representative. But having special interests more than double your take-home pay couldn't possibly have any effect on the way you'd vote on a bill, now could it?

The recent action by the already bought-and-paid-for members of the state Ethics Commission, allowing our revered best and brightest to accept as much as $450 a year in gifts from any person who may want to influence their thinking, was appalling. As M. Chuckie Bakst so nicely reported in the Urinal, even the plea by grade school students to the portraits in courage on the commission fell on deaf ears and pointed heads. It's a disgrace to the state that our "ethics" commission has just enabled anyone to flat-out buy a legislator.

The major lobbying firms are replete with yuppie lawyers for whom $450 is simply a padded expense account and a stroke of the pen away. If you don't believe these backhanders haven't figured out that, by pooling their resources, they can easily exceed the $10,000 salary of a member of the General Assembly, think again.

The cultured and dignified people to thank for this obscenity are named Robin Main, James Murray, Richard Kirby, Francis Flanagan and Thomas Goldberg. Look for them soon at Capriccio or the Capital Grille, enjoying the fruits of their conscienceless labor with their lobbyist friends and those legislators who look to their own pockets first when it comes to public service. It will be easy to spot them by sighting their heads in a trough, their Gucci-clad hooves and their difficulty in staggering about on their hind legs.that "compassionate conservative," Guv, or "conscienceless conservative."

How low can you go?

Just when you think TV news people can't sink any lower -- with rare exceptions like JARheads Jim Taricani and Dyana Koelsch, Channel 12's Jack White, and reporter-without-portfolio Sean Daly, who is soon to kick off what could be a terrific series of news shows for our old friend, the fragrant and fanciful Muffy Farmer at Channel 36 -- the bad taste bell is set to ringing like Big Ben. Nor should the Urinal's editors be holding their heads very high for turning a bright college kid who suffered a premature demise into the latest Elián Gonzalez.

P&J are referring, of course, to the coverage of the death of, and funeral services for, Brown student Casey Shearer. Simply because President Clinton was attending the services for a 21-year old who collapsed and died after playing basketball, almost every news outlet in the area turned this event into a momentous, almost cruel public extravaganza for Shearer's relatives and friends. In so doing, these human buzzards exposed for everyone to see their collective corpse-picking for the sake of Oscar night celebrity-style coverage. At one point, JARhead R.J. Heim defended his station on air by saying that the only reason they were covering the event was since President Billary was on hand. That doubtless made the Shearers feel much better.

Fortunately, Casey's parents displayed a sense of decency and kindness well in excess of what was warranted by the media intrusion. P&J had a chance to meet them back when Casey first enrolled at Brown. His father, Derek, was then ambassador to Finland, and his mother was the mayor of Santa Monica at a time when huge strides were made in cleaning up the local beaches with the help of groups like our own Save the Bay. This led us into a lengthy conversation about environmental issues in the US and abroad.

Casey was indeed a special young man, judging by the grace exhibited by his parents in accepting his premature death, and certainly not deserving of the treatment his family received for the sake of a presidential photo op, accompanied by inane reportage by a pack of airheads.

Quote of the week

Alberto Fujimori is once again El Presidente of Peru after a blatantly fraudulent election May 28. Just the other day, P&J received an e-mail from international political activists complaining about the BBC's coverage of the election. The walls of the cities and villages in Peru were covered everywhere with the slogan "No to Vote," which, according to our sources, is a grassroots peoples' slogan. However, in reporting on the election, the Beeb captioned the photographs of the signs as saying, "Vote No to Fraud," the slogan of the dubious opposition candidate Alejandro Toledo.

Meanwhile, in Indonesia, former President Suharto is under house arrest. Escalating public pressure, including violent protests by student groups, have prompted prosecutors to promise that within two months, the former dictator will be held accountable for the misuse of millions of dollars during his 32-year reign. Most analysts consider the prosecution of the charges to be largely window dressing for propping up the government of the current president, Abdurrahman Wahid, who has already promised to pardon Suharto if he is found guilty and returns some of the money he looted.

In Zimbabwe, the former president (and holder of one of the most superior names in all of politics) Canaan Banana, has lost his appeal on 11 counts of sodomy for bum-blasting a number of men who worked for him. He's been tossed in the pokey.

Dropping like flies

It sure looks like running for the US Senate against Hillary Rodham Clinton is a definite health hazard. After His Rudyness, the mayor of New York, pulled out because of health issues, US Representative Rick Lazio, the Long Island Republican who's taken up the battle, also stumbled into trouble. At a Memorial Day parade in the ominously named community of Babylon, Lazio tripped and fell this weekend, suffering a cut lip that required eight stitches. While rumors abound that the accident was caused by the candidate's attempt to march and chew gum simultaneously, P&J are pleased to report that Lazio recovered nicely and was able to march in yet another parade later that day.

Feed the people and your soul

Just two words about the concert taking place this Sunday, June 4 at Lupo's to benefit the RI Community Food Bank -- be there. A stellar bunch of bands, including John Cafferty and Beaver Brown, Steve Smith and the Nakeds, James Montgomery, and the Mockingbirds, will be rocking to shore up the dwindling supplies at one of the favorite charities of your superior correspondents. Jorge will be handle MCing chores, along with public access cable TV host Don Lincoln. This should be a fun show for a very good cause.

Not better with blue bonnet on it

For out and out weirdness, it's tough to top the story out of the Philippines last week. A crying man wearing a blue bonnet, ski mask and swimming goggles, and armed with a hand grenade and pistol, tried to hijack a plane with 291 people aboard. He apparently gave up his attempt and, instead, robbed everyone on board and then jumped out of the plane wearing a homemade parachute.

P&J could have told the late Augusto Lakandula that homemade parachutes rarely work. Although his body was recovered in a heavily forested area near the town of Real in Quezon province, none of the money was found. Skydiving at 6000 feet, from a plane going 200 mph, is not recommended, as this is about twice the speed at which one wants to be traveling while leaping from a plane. We suggest that such risky behavior be left to the hijacking professionals.

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