They like the odds

When Secretary of State Jim Langevin and Brown University's "Access Denied" report came out two years ago, no one enjoyed the sputtering, red-faced outrage displayed by the leadership reptiles at Halitosis Hall more than P&J. The survey was a righteous and verifiable indictment of legislative violations of the state's Open Meetings Law. That the report was right on the money didn't stop the committee chairmen who were most at fault from nearly storming Brown president Gordon "Get Out" Gee's house with torches, and pulling a Richard Widmark on Langevin on the State House rotunda steps.

A follow-up study of the 1999 legislative session now shows conditions much improved, according to Langevin. Only 10 percent violated the law in 1999, versus 52 percent in those glory days of 1997. While it's nice to crow about improvements, even a 10 percent violation rate is still horrific.

Any committee chairman worth his $450 per-year, per-lobbyist bribe knows that when the big-money kickbacks come down, all he needs is that one-in-10 window of opportunity to squeeze that crucial bill through with inadequate public notice. Being "kinda" in compliance doesn't cut the Grey Poupon, boys and girls.

If the politicians on Smith Hill ever want to be publicly regarded with anything other than deserved contempt, they should be enforcing the law on themselves. There are enough good people in the General Assembly -- and on those committees that continue to be in violation -- who should know that their images also suffer when the fix is in and they fail to blow the whistle. Hey, gang, this is not the time for the three wise monkeys position.

We would urge Langevin, if his information is as good as we think it is, to go the full nine yards and bring charges against the guilty parties. Like most things involving ethics in Vo Dilun, everyone knows there are no consequences, even with the truth lying out there.

Sleep tight, "Milkshake Matty" Smith and Joe "Prince of Darkness" DeAngelis -- gone but not forgotten.

Superior survivor

It looks like our very own Richard Hatch has become the flavor of the month for TV pundits as Survivor races to the top of the summer TV ratings. If you don't know what the show is all about, we're not about to tell you at this point, other than to say it's essentially Swiss Family Loud, for those of you who recall the family who offered the first fishbowl trick for television audiences with no lives of their own. Lance, we hardly knew ye.

Hatch, a Middletown resident, would certainly have made Lance Loud proud, as he came out to his fellow castaways during the second episode. Thanks to the expert casting director who choose who would be marooned in the South China Sea, there was a crusty old-timer on hand who had always looked down on superior behaviorists, but who thought Hatch was a pretty sharp, straight-shooting dude, even if was a nancy-boy. Made you almost want to see Richard put on a white Gilligan cap and get swatted by the geezer with the Skipper's old yacht club commodore model.

Of course, the local media overkill on Hatch was, and will be, absolutely predictable, especially on our own CBS affiliate -- "Tonight after Survivor at 11 on Channel 12! Is WPRI anchorwoman Karen Adams carrying Richard Hatch's love child? Tune in and find out!"

Hatch, however, is lying low for the most part, due to the fact that, after his return, he was arrested and charged for allegedly overexerting his adopted son during an exercise routine. He's also been taking barbs because of his corporate consultant background, evinced when the first thing he did upon arrival at the island was to call a middle management meeting in the rough. Slate opined, "If a consultant has any skill at all, it's in cleverly positioning himself as invaluable without contributing anything of value." That jibes with our long-standing position that a consultant is someone who takes everyone's watches and then tells you what time it is. Voila! And that'll be $3000, please.

Yes, P&J admit we did get drawn into watching the other night. There have been worse shows on the premises -- Friends comes to mind -- but to know that Richard Hatch is out there, letting the Bud-I's rainbow flag fly high, is nice to see. Keep eating those grubs until the last man or woman pukes, Richie. You're our boy.

Do you want to be a clothes horse?

Speaking of Survivor, it's the first show to claim hands-down victory in a head-to-head match-up with Regis Philbin's Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. This, of course, is the show where Regis asks contestants questions like, "What's a three-letter word for feline?" whereupon the competitor thinks out loud until the entire viewing audience is practically asleep, then gives his answer -- "rat" -- and Regis proceeds to grad him by the collar and jump up and down on his chest for three minutes shrieking, "Is that your final answer? Is that your final answer?"

Unless they get Siamese lesbian twins on the show who win the million bucks, Regis is correct in assuming this is the star turn he's waited nearly 40 years for. And America is so transfixed by this waxhead, who has had more facelifts than Kathy Lee and Frank combined, that Van Heusen will be putting out a line of the matched monochromatic shirts and ties that the Big Reege sports to evidently devastating effect.

As Paul Fussell observed about the Mercedes when it was seen as a status symbol by many yuppies in the '80s -- "A Mercedes is an obscene car, driven by Beverly Hills dentists and African cabinet ministers" -- what kind of person is going to walk into a men's clothing store and say, "I'd like to look like Regis Philbin"? A few candidates come to mind -- and House Majority Leader Gerry Martineau and JARheads Bill Gile and Mario Hilario will know who we're talking about. But wouldn't you rather just stand in Kennedy Plaza at rush hour and scream, "I had Rosie O'Donnell when she was good!"

Well, if you have stock in Van Heusen, we'd suggest you keep it until three weeks after the Regis line debuts, and then dump it faster than a high school prom date. And if you actually think the "mono" look is happening, but don't want to have an entire haberdashery's staff laughing at you, wait two months and do some self-service work at Wal-Mart.

Piling on the poor

How about that new zoning ordinance proposal from Providence Councilwoman Patricia Nolan, trying to limit the number of social service agencies, soup kitchens and other groups that work to alleviate the grinding effects of poverty in our city? Does this suck or what? Nolan thinks that there are too many of these groups in the poorer city neighborhoods (where, surprisingly, most of the folks in need of these services happen to be) and wants them spread out to other areas of the city. Hey, that'll really be helpful to poor folks, an opportunity to travel more to cop a meal, receive medical services or meet their clothing needs.

This is a bad, bad idea and one that the council should deep-six immediately. We are ashamed and embarrassed that a public official would even come up with such a proposal. In essence, this suggests that we continue to avert our eyes to the needy in our midst and those who don't seem to be benefiting from the booming economy. The new agenda appears to be pushing Traveler's Aid out of downtown, and, in general, just making believe that pain and suffering doesn't exist. C'mon, let's get real.

Mr. Tedium

Because of last week's byline strike at the BeloJo, your superior correspondents are unable to properly credit the reporter who filed the front-page story on the Warwick Mall food court debate between the Democratic primary contenders for the 2nd Congressional District seat. About halfway into the article, this exciting exchange: "Given the chance to pose a question, [Secretary of State Jim] Langevin asked [the other candidates] to state their position on `non-point source water pollution' -- not exactly an incendiary topic, although it did prompt [Cranston Councilman Kevin] McAllister to declare, "You're playing into one of my strongest suits here.' "

P&J would surmise that the suit is of a definite gray hue. Jimmy tossed down the old tedium gauntlet and Kev was more than happy to pick it up and run with it. Apparently, another one of McAllister's "strong suits" is a notable lack of boldness. When Kate Coyne-McCoy, the Casa Diablo fave rave and only woman in the race, stated her intention to call for an immediate government-imposed freeze on prescription drug prices, McAllister characterized the idea as "extreme and irresponsible." Sorry, Kev, but we think it's the giant pharmaceutical companies who have been extreme and irresponsible and deserve a good spanking. Go get 'em, Kate.

Open government, Vo Dilun-style

We're sure you were as thrilled as P&J to learn that the "Health-care work group," a group comprised of Almond administration staffers, General Assembly leaders, assorted bureaucrats, business leaders, lobbyists, consultants, insurance executives and health-care activists, is meeting to carve out public health policy behind closed doors. The press and public have been barred from these deliberations, a move that the government officials involved find absolutely fine. After all, in Vo Dilun, open meetings laws were meant to be broken.

It's great to see that our public officials have such long memories. Wasn't this very thing that Hillary, Ira and company were slam-dunked for back in '93?

An extra special pair of blinders go out to House Majority Leader Gerard Martineau, who explained to the Other Paper that, "When you say `not allow public participation,' I don't think that's true . . . We went to exhaustive means to allow all interested parties and stakeholders."

Well, almost all "interested parties" with the minor exception of the public and the press. Your superior correspondents have to mention how much we love the designation currently popular in government circles -- "stakeholders." We've got a stakeholder for you, Gerry. His name is Vlad and he's looking for you.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to our old friend, that inveterate entertainer, O.J. Simpson, who despite his status as Pariah Numero Uno and his seemingly endless surveillance of golf courses around the world in search of "the real killers," still finds the time to call up TV shows and proclaim his innocence. Most recently he called a live Fox Network gab show where his former sister-in-law, Denise Brown, was one of the guests, to mix it up with the gang and engage in a little name-calling. You'd think the guy might slink off into a hole in the ground or under a rock, but show business is in his blood and he just can't stop entertaining us.

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