Major league moron
P&J finally understand why Poppy Bush named Dan Quayle as his vice
president -- he reminded him of his half-wit son, George W., corporate
America's wholly-owned subsidiary and the GOP's designated word-mangler.
Well, actually Dubya didn't startle the English language, as he's prone to do,
when he called New York Times political reporter Adam Clymer a "major
league asshole," during an open-mike aside to his own veep in waiting. Poppy's
boy was right on target in his assessment, because since he left his titular
position as a part owner of the Texas Rangers, the major leagues have been
short one asshole. But, as P&J have always thought about the racist Big Oil
scumbag Cheney, at least with him you get two assholes in one pair of pants.
But back to Dubya, please, who is making young Danny Boy look like Laurence
Olivier when it comes to public performances. As the media is quickly
discovering, all you have to do to catch Georgie Boy in a tongue-twister is pay
attention for a five minutes. "I know how hard it is to put food on your
family" far outweighs not knowing how to spell potato or suggesting, "what a
waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind?" It appears our little
George W. has found where Daddy hides the Halcyon in the Kennebunkport medicine
cabinet, n'est-çe pas?
Still, watching this little Alfred E. Neuman look-a-like think that he's being
wise when he says, "We ought to make the pie higher" would be a lot more
humorous if he weren't running for the position of most powerful human on
Earth. It's one thing to puke in the lap of Japan's ichi-ban, quite another to
not know where Japan is, or to have as good a chance of being understood in
Japanese as in English.
As the people who run the Yogi Berra Museum in New Jersey say, "We're open
until we close." Time for Dubya the Dumb to shutter the windows.
P&J are trying hard to cotton to Joe Lieberman, but the man is constantly
testing one's patience with his holier-than-thou religious pomposity and, now,
his duplicitous attempt to run for both vice president and his current
Senate seat in Connecticut.
We don't know about you, but when P&J are on a team, we like to be sure
that everyone is 100 percent on board with the agenda of winning. What we don't
need is some little weasel hedging his bets by making sure he has a fallback
job if he loses his shot at the big time.
Lieberman owes it to not just all Democrats, or those who favor the
Gore-Lieberman ticket, to step out of the Senate race and show solidarity with
the man who anointed him to his "heartbeat away" slot, but particularly to
Nutmeg State voters. If the Dems win the White House, it's a given that the
state's GOP governor will appoint a Republican to fill Lieberman's seat.
Instead, as the to-be-admired town council of Hampton, Connecticut, said in a
recent resolution, Lieberman should get out of the race now, and give another
Democrat a fair shot at winning the Senate seat. It's bad enough that it's
already September, with just two months to election day.
If you are going to preach, Joe, perhaps you should understand all the
ramifications of the word "faith," not just those that suit your purpose.
Deadlier than usual
No one at Casa Diablo was exactly shocked to see the ubiquitous Richard Hatch
sitting on the panel for Channel 36's Deadly Experiment last week. It's
about time they got a "real American" on the group, i.e. someone who is
disdainful of jacket and tie -- thank God he dressed in Newport casual mufti
rather than the altogether a la Survivor -- and doesn't even bother to
vote. Despite such assumed negatives, fellow panelist Guy Dufault appeared
jazzed to sign the newly wealthy Hatch for a future slot on the Democratic
As a matter of fact, virtually the entire panel (Dufault, Paul Zangari and Her
Muffiness, Susan Farmer, pinch-hitting for Steve Kass) spent the first 15
minutes of the show fawning all over Hatcheroo. This proves once again the
pathetic desire of Vo Dilunduhs to go "big time" whenever a flavor of the month
drops into our collective lap. The sole holdout was M. Charles Bakst. Much to
Chuckie's credit, he tried to stay on point and actually discuss public
affairs! In fact, it was Bakst who elicited from Hatch the revelation that he's
not a voter, since he doesn't know enough about the candidates to make an
intelligent choice. Maybe if he didn't spend so much time on TV. As for
Deadly Experiment, let's see if they can get Meg Ryan on to discuss her
on-again, off-again romance with Dennis Quaid.
P&J have a little joke which demonstrates just what "compassionate
conservatism" means when practiced by the likes of a social standout like Dick
Cheney, the advocate of cop killer bullets who voted against the release of
Nelson Mandela from Robben Island prison.
Cheney was playing golf with an eye doctor and a priest when they noticed what
looked like an eightsome in front of them, taking forever to play. A course
ranger drove by in his golf cart, and the doctor inquired about what was going
on just in front of them.
"Oh, those are four firemen who saved the lives of the staff here when the
clubhouse burnt down last year," the ranger responded. "All of them went blind
due to the smoke, so we let them play once a year and the staff helps them make
their way around the course."
"That's a wonderful thing," said the doctor. "Tell them I'll give them
whatever free treatment they need to help them see." The priest quickly added,
"And tell them that we'll raise money at our church for their families and
we'll have them in our prayers each week."
At this point, Cheney spoke up: "Can't they just play at night?"
Fun with humanoids
Vo Dilun has certainly got a unique "community" of homegrown criminals.
Perusing the Cranston Herald the other day, we came across a police log
item concerning a 500-pound backhoe scoop bucket that was reported stolen from
the site of a road reconstruction project. Apparently, one of the construction
workers who was leaving his backhoe overnight at the construction site took the
precaution of burying it for safekeeping. Of course, in the Biggest Little,
anything that isn't nailed down will soon disappear, and that includes
500-pound backhoe scoops.
Meanwhile, in Coventry, 39-year-old David Crompton has allegedly discovered a
new and creative way of flashing. Authorities in that town arrested Crompton
and charged him with disorderly conduct last week after a couple of women,
after shopping at a Wal-Mart, discovered nude Polaroids of a man in their car.
After leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot, the women proceeded to a restaurant and
noticed the same man following them. They called police. There have reportedly
been six similar complaints about nude Polaroids turning up in cars throughout
In the realm of dating techniques, this certainly shows more ingenuity than
your standard slinking around "Barry's, Barry's, Barry's" resplendent in gold
chains and bad designer clothing. We wonder if this approach has triggered
anything beyond a court date.
Vermont: The Police State?
Here's a little issue that ought to make the hair stand up on the back of your
neck. On September 1, the Vermont Supreme Court ruled that the police may take
DNA samples from "potential" crime suspects without first obtaining a warrant.
Forget about probable cause and a little thing we like to call the Bill of
Rights. The Vermont court found, in a 5-0 decision, that it's not unacceptably
intrusive to take a mouth swab from someone who's merely being looked into by
Understandably outraged, public defenders in the Green Mountain State are
looking into the possibility of having this case examined by the US Supreme
Court. Your superior correspondents say, do it and do it quickly. This is the
first time a state supreme court has taken up such an issue. Let's nip this in
the bud before the "tough on crime" crowd completely dismantles the Fourth
Amendment protection against illegal search and seizure.
Vote (despite the monkey business)
Don't let the increasingly shrill tone of the TV ads in the Democratic
primaries for US Senate and the Second Congressional District seat keep you
from voting. After all, we still watch the local TV news, despite the fact that
at any minute we're expecting Gary Ley to appear in a painted face, bright red
fright wig and 48-inch custom shoes. Sad to say, but this is how politics looks
in the dumbed-down, media-driven modern age.
Pay no attention to the sideshow. Despite the unseemly displays, these are
serious people seeking serious gigs. We blame the use of such puerile tricks on
our own morbid curiosity with show biz, withering attention spans, and the
comfort and ease of modern life. Notice that "high road" candidates Kevin
McAllister and Angel Taveras don't seem to be gaining much in the polls. And
how's Ralph Nader doing?
Believe us when we tell you that if they had the money, they'd be right in the
mix too. It's the way we do things in the USA, circa 2000 and it's not going to
change unless we change. So, put down that remote control, pry yourself away
from the "very special episode" of Friends that you've already seen
three times (by the way, they're not actually our friends) and read some
newspapers. Put in an hour or so every day and consider what these people are
really saying. The more we pay attention, the better they'll be forced to
behave. And we'll see you at the polls on September 12.