One pair of pants

If you can't spread gossip, there's just no sense in living, say Phillipe and Jorge. Therefore, we feel obligated to pass along the following from a good cybersource about racist, sociopath GOP veep candidate Dick Cheney, two assholes in one pair of pants if we ever saw one:

"I just heard a rumor from a good source. The Republican Party is feeling that Cheney is a liability on the ticket. There's a rumor that a few weeks prior to the election, in a desperate attempt to win, Cheney will resign because of a trumped-up heart problem or potential `threat to his health.' Then either John McCain or Colin Powell will be asked to come on the ticket and save the party. This move is afoot in top circles, and to try to squelch it, PLEASE send this letter to as many people as you can. If we get the rumor out on the Internet, they won't be able to do their calculated move without repercussions."

You certainly can't dispute the logic. Cheney was obviously Poppy Bush's pick to hold sonny boy George Dubya's hand. He has all the appeal of a cold-blooded reptile. Cheney is, like Dubya, a wholly-owned subsidiary of corporate America, and got a golden parachute from Halliburton, his former Big Oil company, just a few months before prices skyrocketed (sure, we can give "Two Assholes" Cheney $20 million, but can't hold down prices for consumers). Plus, it has been revealed that this champion of democracy hasn't voted in 14 of the last 16 elections for which he was eligible. What a patriot! Why doesn't Georgie Boy just tie an albatross around his neck and get it over with?

We aren't sure Powell would take Cheney's slot unless Dubya promised him in writing that Colin would act as president while Bush the Younger took vocabulary lessons and did what he was told. But, certainly, this scam would allow McCain to renege on his promise not to run for vice president "for the good of the party." Yes, that poor man Mr. Cheney certainly couldn't have foreseen that he'd fall ill, so here comes Johnny running to rescue. Remember, you heard it here first.

Oil this

Speaking of Big Oil, wasn't it reassuring to have our ever-so-innocent President Billary declare that the decision to release oil reserves, in the face of potential shortages and rising prices, wasn't politically motivated? Would this man lie to the American people?

Anyone who tuned into Meet the Press on Sunday, September 24, might have a different take on the Clinton-Gore administration's largesse. Bumbling Energy Secretary Bill Richardson got a new fundament torn in his backside by Tim Russert -- an even worse savaging than Russert gave Hillary! in her recent debate with Rick Lazio, when he dredged up L'affaire Monica on the big screen.

While Richardson loved tossing around the fact that 30 million barrels of oil would be released from the reserve, he obviously wasn't counting on Russert knowing that we use 24 million gammons per day -- meaning this grand gesture will be enough oil for 36 hours. Wow. Bow-wow. As Russert pressed that issue, he also tried to get Richardson to explain what action would be taken to keep oil prices from rising, as projected, 30 percent. Fat Boy Bill was squirming like a worm on a hook as Russert kept at him, making him and the inflated claims of his bosses, Billary and Al Whore, look weaker than a Jamie Foxx stand-up comedy routine.

Get ready for a long winter, kiddies.

Newspapers in glass houses

While your superior correspondents have always appreciated Bob Whitcomb, BeloJo VP and editorial page editor, for his commitment to printing a broad range of diverse viewpoints in the daily Urinal, the institutional editorials are another story. These, of course, are the unsigned pieces appearing (ironically) on the left side of the Other Paper's Commentary pages. They are meant to reflect the view of the publishers and the Urinal as an institution.

We have come to expect right wing/royalist views here (although they are progressive in a few areas, such as reproductive freedom). Just as reliable are personal swipes at those who might threaten their interests. Since the Phoenix is also in the media game, it's perceived by the Urinal hierarchy as an outfit that drains precious ad revenues rightfully belonging to the barons of Fountain Street.

This is why we were not surprised to see a gratuitous swipe September 26 at Stephen Mindich, the Phoenix's founder, publisher and chairman. The editorial was ostensibly about a judicial controversy in Massachusetts involving Superior Court Judge Maria Lopez, who happens to be Mr. Mindich's wife. But the Urinal editorialists could not restrain themselves from dragging the Phoenix head ramrod into the fray, even though he's not a judge.

What's amusing to us is that the purported reason for bringing up our boss is because of his "connections in high places." Interestingly enough, whenever you bring up the "connections in high places" argument in critiquing the Other Paper's positions (for instance, their lax performance on financing issues having to do with the Providence Place Mall -- a project that represents mucho ad bucks to the Urinal), they cry foul. Yet in one smarmy aside, they refer to Mindich as "the original `hip capitalist'."

In trying to figure out the difference between a "hip capitalist" and the more traditional capitalism of the Urinal, we think we know what they're talking about. It could be that the "hip capitalist" is the one who actually spent years building a company from the ground up. The Urinal's more traditional capitalism means that the founders of that august institution were already sitting on piles of money inherited from the "Triangle Trade" (slaves, rum and molasses), and the mills and factories they ran while exploiting workers.

Or could it be that the difference is simple as the Phoenix's editorial slant -- embracing that which is liberal and progressive -- versus the Urinal's cozy suck-up to the wealthy and powerful?

Motel 1600

Just when you thought Bill and Hill might have a clue about the stomach-turning quality of their arrogance, the White House has released a new list of guests at Billary's Motel 1600. And now we're catering not just to big national Democratic donors, but carpetbagger Hillary's new best friends in New York.

The new crop of guests who paid their way to a night in the Lincoln Bedroom are the usual bunch of pretentious Hollywood stars, like Chevy Chase, and corporate buccaneers, like S. Daniel Abraham, the former head of Slim-Fast, which you know Hillary certainly isn't very familiar with, both of whom have donated to her Senate campaign. What is disgusting is that over the course of 13 months -- 396 days -- 404 overnight guests (most, however, were not donors) stayed with their good buddies, the Clintons. "I told ya putting that neon sign out on the highway would draw in business, Maw!"

But luckily for Clinton-lovers, they have the GOP's straight-talking hero, John McCain, on the record for taking George Dubya to task for exercising the same noblesse oblige at the Texas governor's mansion. Back in March, a very feisty McCain told the press, "Bill Clinton only charges $10,000 a night. He (Dubya) charges $100,000 a night." Thanks, John-Boy, from the owners and operators of Motel 1600.

YBAs

Much fanfare with the opening of new exhibits in London featuring the flavor of the month, the young British artists, who are now being called simply YBAs. But one of the most arresting -- and hilarious -- pieces to debut is that of Maurizio Cattelan at the Royal Gallery. Entitled Ninth Hour, it consists of a life-size replica of the pope lying on his side on the ground, clutching his sepulcher, after being hit by a meteorite, with broken glass giving the impression it flew threw the skylight before ending up on John Paul Deuce's back, pinning him to the floor. The show's organizers quickly and clearly pointed out that Cattelan, an Italian, is a devout Catholic -- albeit one with a hell of a sense of humor and imagination.

Incoming, your Holiness!

Hands-on tool

Your superior correspondents bumped into Guy Lefebvre, a local environmentalist working with the Pawtuxet River Authority, the other day. At the time, we were browsing through The Rhode Island Government Owner's Manual, a publication put out by Secretary of State Jim Langevin's office, which provides citizens with vital information on state and local government. Guy said, "Hey, I use that just about every day." Then he continued, "Gee, I hope with Jim Langevin leaving the office, his successor is still going to publish it."

Excellent point, Guy. P&J have also found the Owner's Manual to be an invaluable source for reaching out to lawmakers, the judiciary and city and town government officials. It was originally created by the late, great John Tabella and his mother, Pat Tabella, both longtime aides to Secretary Langevin. Jim's finest hours as secretary of state have been the ones in which he made government more accessible to the people, and this is one of the best tools his office has provided us with. So, to whoever receives the appointment as next secretary of state, please, please, keep publishing the Owner's Manual.

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