They're no Boy Scouts

Some serious grumbling was heard among the ink-stained wretches in the Urinal newsroom on October 16, when a puff piece on the sexual orientation-challenged Narragansett Council of the Boy Scouts' "Camporee 2000" was featured as the lead story on the Rhode Island section.

It would have been bad enough that this paean to the scouts ran above legitimate news stories on fairly serious subjects, such as an impending school bus drivers' strike -- which later became a front-page story. But the piece also failed to mention how the Narragansett Council remains embroiled in a controversy about a ban on gay scouts, and is facing funding pullbacks from some of its strongest supporters because of these blatantly intolerant regulations.

Instead, the Camporee offering was a cotton candy look at the scouts that might as well have been written by a Boy Scout patrol leader -- which, in fact, it was. The "news" (honk!) piece was written by Stephen Kostrzewa, described as a "former assistant senior patrol leader for Troop 6, Cranston." Evidently the part about young Stephen also being the son of BeloJo business editor John Kostrzewa was cut for reasons of space.

Reporters were quite less than amused that Stephen Kostrzewa, obviously innocent on his own, was getting a hand in gaining his journalism merit badge from his father, who's part of the Fountain Street management team that's embroiled in a long-standing labor dispute with the Providence Newspaper Guild. Never mind it being an obvious affront to the extremely talented professionals in the newsroom. Some were very upset about the "erosion of standards" represented by publishing Stevie Boy Scout, over-the-fold, in a story that was barely worthy of "Junior Scholastic."

The worst conspiracy theory among the offended hacks was that executive editor Joel Rawson, in complicity with Daddy John, were saying to the day-to-day reporters, in no uncertain terms, "anyone can do your job." Is this perhaps why, as P&J have heard from more than one Urinal source, that the phone lines are abuzz with reporters looking for work at places where their work is deemed more valuable than a marshmallow roast?

Pucking for a job

One of our friends from the legal field mentions to P&J some interesting new theories about how House Speaker John "Pucky" Harwood may have finally found a way to get his wife, Patty, a real cushy job in the state court system, a long-going ambition of Pucky's.

The way the reasoning goes is, Magistrate Stephen Capinieri is about to be elevated to a judgeship in Family Court to replace Peter Palumbo, who is stepping down for reasons of health. In turn, Palumbo will be replaced by Pucky's Patty, who, like her hubby, is a lawyer. This will put her in very good position to be nominated for an associate justice position, which carries a much higher profile and bigger paycheck, in the near future.

If Pucky's bride gets her position, the quid pro quo will then be that Governor Bigfoot gets to pick the Supreme Court replacement for retiring Chief Justice Joseph Weisberger with no political opposition from Halitosis Hall, a la the infamous and outrageous rejection of Meg Curran.

This may well provide Family Court Judge Jeremiah Jeremiah, who, we understand, caters to Pucky like Rochester to Jack Benny, with the inside track for the Supremes -- if not the chief justice's robes -- for his assistance at Family Court. However Superior Court Associate Justice Frank Williams is said to be lobbying for the Supremes slot harder than a big oilman at Bush fund-raiser, at such tony, white-boy lawyer joints as the University Club. The final horse in this race is Michael Silverstein, a much-admired associate justice of the Superior Court, who may have to start washing the Missing Linc's limo every day if he hopes to keep up with Jeremiah and Williams in their quest for the highest bench.

Naturally, this is all just hearsay. But remember, you hearsayed it here first.

Honesty is the best policy

Last weekend, your superior correspondents were sprawled out at Casa Diablo watching a little TV, when a Pat Buchanan for president ad came on the tube. It was a real culture wars beauty, darkly hinting that "they" were taking away our vitally important right to pray (we're assuming Christian prayers) in public and eviscerating the Boy Scouts for their ban on gay Scout leaders. As charter "They" members, Phillipe & Jorge are at least satisfied that Buchanan is up-front about his anti-diversity, hate-filled message.

The same can not be said about the stealth campaign of the Natural Law Party candidate, Dr. John Hagelin, the guy who duked it out with Mad Pat for the Reform Party federal matching bucks. We've been watching Hagelin on C-Span, and some of the other forums that are open to the third parties, and people like Hagelin rarely, if ever, mention Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the true mentor of the party. The Natural Law Party is established in 80 countries, but they use codes to gain votes in the US presidential race.

Here, for example, are five of the points in their nine-point program to "scientifically solve the nation's problems," and what they really mean: "Creating a prevention-oriented health care system as opposed to a disease care system" -- this means universal training in Transcendental Meditation. "Reducing crime through innovative, field-tested crime prevention programs" -- teaching prison inmates Transcendental Meditation. "Promoting education that develops the full mental potential of each student" -- through, you guessed it, Transcendental Meditation. "Cutting taxes deeply and responsibly through proven solutions to costly social programs" -- one guess what these "proven solutions" are. "Promoting more prosperous and harmonious international relations" -- If we could only teach Arafat and Sharon to cross their legs.

Your superior correspondents aren't saying that TM may not have many helpful benefits. We do think, however, that the American public may not believe it's a panacea for all of our educational, economic and spiritual concerns. If TM is the crux of your program (and it is the core of the Natural Law Party's program) it would be better to be a little more honest about the whole thing, and let the American people know exactly what the program is.

Really bad taste

Your superior correspondents were exiting the hoopla down by the Providence waterfront, where hundreds of bikers gathered last Sunday for the annual Toys for Tots run. Then, someone in the crowd pulled us aside and claimed that Klem, aka Joe Klimek, one of the Biggest Little's most beloved musicians, had been in a fatal car crash the night before. Stop right here -- it isn't true -- but, needless to say, this terrible rumor immediately brought tears and depression beyond belief. We ended up calling many friends to try to get the truth and, in the hours it took to quash this irresponsible figment of someone's imagination, many other people's hearts entered their mouths. Thankfully, Jack Reich, the well-known booking agent and band manager who has a Rolodex beyond compare, was able to dig up the cell phone number of one of the folks in Klem's band and get to the root of things.

We spoke with Klem on Monday morning and he's his same old jovial self. There was no car accident. We just want it known that this was one of the most reprehensible rumors to come down the pike in years. Please, people, do not spread false information. And to any of Klem's many, many friends who may have caught wind of this, apologies for any discomfort.

Bang! You're dead!

P&J have been sitting on a great story from the spring, about the British Royal Navy's new cost-conserving measures, that appeared in the Telegraph. Those of you who have seen the cult film, Idi Amin Dada, which showed the cannibalistic former Ugandan dictator's paratroopers practicing by running to the edge of a six-inch platform in full paratroop gear, then jumping off and rolling because they had no planes from which to practice real jumps, may find this familiar.

The Ministry of Defence decided, since the Navy's ship-to-shore gun shells cost over $900 apiece, that there might be a cheaper way to conduct target practice. So now, the sailors that took part in the first reduced-expense drill aboard the HMS Cambridge went about their business by checking the coordinates, lining up their targets and preparing to fire. Then, they yelled, "Bang!"

"You used to hear the sound of gunfire from Cambridge, but now there are just shouts of `bang, bang' over the microphone," a Navy man told the Telegraph. "It is just like being back in the school playground when you shouted `bang' to shoot your friends in a game of cowboys and Indians."

P&J thinkthis sounds like a great idea for calming the riots in the Middle East -- at least to restrain the Israeli troops. Now if we could only find out what you yell when you throw a rock.

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