It's called the Sunshine State
Phillipe and Jorge are hightailing it to Florida to beat a confession out of
Jeb Bush that he rigged the balloting in Florida. But in favor of which chump?
Is he still pissed that his evil near-twin Dubya gets all the attention,
despite his being the stupid one? Or is he showing that famed Bush loyalty,
which, in the case of his father, never extended to freedom fighters in China,
vis-à-vis the ruling mandarins who kept him and his corporate cronies
awash in Amellican dorrarrs, round eyes.
Crikey, though, what a result! Had the voting ended earlier, the New York
Times, the grand dame of American journalism, would have pulled a "Dewey
Beats Truman," seeing as how at 3 a.m. they declared Boy George a winner over
their e-mail listserve, and 80 minutes later, had to stuff that idea back into
The wisest course of action would be to send a few guys from Federal Hill to
do some "Avon calling" with members of the Electoral College, to persuade them
that Al "Two-by-Four" Gore is indeed the people's champion -- even if by the
proverbial hair -- and that their vote should reflect same in December.
Anything to avoid a Back to the Future scenario with the
competency-challenged Dubya being led by Dick Cheney, Trent Lott and Co. into a
netherworld dominated by corporate greed, misogyny, and racism cloaked in the
evangelical rantings of a Pat Robertson or Ralph Reed.
Doing our duty
Voting just isn't as much fun as it used to be, and we don't mean because one's
selections are down to dumb and dumber, a delusional pedant versus a coddled
moron, as they were in this year's election. These newfangled ballots, which
are reminiscent of the old "connect the dots" puzzles -- except you don't end
up with a panda's face at the end, merely an arrow which would be more apt if
it were sticking out either side of the politician's head a la Steve Martin --
are simply not as satisfying as the old pulling of the levers behind the
stained and dreary curtain.
Gone are the days when your superior correspondents would race down to the
polls, eager to slip behind the privacy of that porn movie curtain, keen to
exercise not only our democratic privilege, but also a finely honed bag of
tricks. Who can forget the time Jorge totally disrobed after becoming ensconced
in the voting booth, throwing each item of clothing saucily over the top of the
curtain, like a modern-day Gypsy Rose Lee, while he played "The Stripper" on a
portable tape deck?
Or the Election Day when Phillipe sneaked a pair of mannequin's legs in high
heels and fish net stockings into the booth under his overcoat, then positioned
them in what was quite obviously a Monica Lewinsky-esque position facing
himself, before emitting a series of feral groans for more than 20 minutes,
until the local constabulary arrived and requested his departure from the booth
forthwith. Suffice it to say that while the local gendarmes lacked a sense of
humor, their respect for the sanctity of the voting booth remained intact, and
P. was quick to praise their respect for personal liberties during the entire
ride downtown to the station for booking. Patriots all, indeed. And from what
he later understood, the elderly lady who was whisked by paramedics away from
the sordid scene had merely fainted, rather than suffering a heart attack as
everyone first thought.
At any rate, the best that P&J could do this year was using the marking
pen provided in our mini-cubicle to scrawl on the plastic wall, "Want to blow a
little dope? Call Laura B." and then jot down the phone number of the
governor's mansion in Austin. Hey, we tried.
Stay in the shallow end
We can't imagine anyone being surprised that the Urinal endorsed le petit
idiot, Dubya Bush for president. What might raise eyebrows is that save for
Boy George, most all of the BeloJo's bestowed blessings for politicians and
bond issues mirrored P&J's own selections.
The Other Paper's tradition is that the publisher makes the choice of in the
matter of endorsing the presidential candidate, so our friends on the fourth
floor at Fountain Street can be held blameless for going for the know-nothing
silver spooner. Whether it was publisher Howard Sutton, or perhaps even one of
the moneyed rich guys in Dallas, home of the Urinal-owning Belo Corporation,
who weighed in on behalf of the drugstore cowboy, we got a kick out of an
ensuing letter to the editor which ran on those same editorial pages a few days
The author of the missive made the point that no matter which candidate the
BeloJo endorsed, it might be nice if the reasoning was as detailed and
specified as that of the New York Times, which came out for Al
"Two-by-Four" Gore. A nice little tweak of the Urinal's amateur editorialist,
for using the "just because" approach to a decision that demanded a much more
well-thought out explanation, and one other than the implicit suggestion that
more rich white guys will make out better under Dubya. Whitcomb, you cheeky
Back here in Vo Dilun, we've got to hand it to the BeloJo for the clever way in
which they hedged their bets on the election outcome. Wednesday morning's
headline, "TV calls it for Bush," cleverly places responsibility for calling
the election on the rival medium, so the Urinal can say, "Hey, we didn't say
Bush won, it's those knuckleheads on the tube."
And by the way, is there any place in the US of A, other than Johnston, where
a guy with a criminal record can mount an independent write-in candidacy for
mayor and receive 40 percent of the vote?
Your superior correspondents anxiously await the sure-to-come Chuckie Bakst
column on why Channel 10 allowed Reform Party Senate candidate, Christopher
Young (no relation to a certain Chip Young), into the debate with Linc Chafee
and Bob "Dorian" Weygand. We imagine something along the lines of, "See, by
letting these turkeys into the debates who have no chance of winning, they just
mess everything up."
Well, Phillipe & Jorge don't necessarily feel this way. In fact,
considering how tedious Chafee and Weygand tend to be, the Young wild card was
the only reason we watched the final debate. Shame on Channel 12 for "pulling a
Nader" and booting Young out of the hall a few nights earlier.
We must admit that Young's performance at the debate was pretty amazing.
Ordinarily, this sort of "tired and emotional" behavior indicates lingering too
long in the Willie Loman Room at the Marriott, but we're certain that the
Reform Party standard-bearer was stone sober. The effect of adding Young to the
mix was sort of like injecting Herve Villechaize into an act-off between
Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud. His overly passionate performance, inability
to stick to the questions, and occasionally incoherent outbursts were certainly
impressive. Young's disgruntlement at being excluded from the Channel 12 debate
was, as he so eloquently explained to an astonished Dyana Koelsch, based on
every citizen'sinalienable right to appear on C-Span.
Your superior correspondents share Mr. Young's outrage at being denied the
chance to fulfill every political junkie's dream of appearing on C-Span. What
we like to call the "Lying down with the (Brian) Lamb" clause of the Bill of
(originally meant to be Section 11 of Article One) was inadvertently left out
of the Constitution because of the unfortunate lapse of almost 200 years
between the opening of the Constitutional Convention in 1787 and the
development of cable television.
Does any righteous citizen believe that Christopher Young should suffer just
because of a minor historical technicality? Of course not. Phil Terzian's been
on C-Span, so why not Christopher Young?
Another treasure hunt?
We imagine that a great many Vo Dilunduhs have been wondering if the latest
dust-up involving Representative Patrick Kennedy's little sea cruise is
legitimate or yet another Kennedy shakedown. Our guess is that Patrick knows
enough about sailing to indicate something is . . . well, fishy. Of course,
your superior correspondents could care less about that part of the story. What
we'd like to know is which woman did he drop off, which one did he pick up, and
where was Caterina Bandini? Inquiring minds want to know!
Kudos and congrats . . .
. . . to the six den leaders from Cub Scout Pack 88, a pack sponsored by
Central Congregational Church in Providence, for taking a stand against the
spineless leadership of the Narragansett Council of Boy Scouts. The den leaders
sent a letter, which aired their objections to the Narragansett Council's meek
acquiescence to the National Boy Scouts' homophobic stance.
On the same topic, Other Paper political columnist Bakst, hit a bull's-eye
with his strongly worded piece that ran in the BeloJo last week. A big tip of
the sombrero to the Chuckmeister.
And, by the way, how can the Boy Scouts get away with claiming that the phrase
in the 1910 Scout oath about being "morally straight" can have anything to do
with sexual orientation? According to Richard Spears, the eminent scholar,
professor of linguistics at Northwestern University, and author of Slang and
Euphemism, the use of the term "straight" for heteros didn't gain
popularity until the mid-20th century (and then only among superior
behaviorists). It wasn't until the past 25 years or so that the general hetero
population was even aware of the term.