The Continental

Your superior correspondents were dumbfounded when we learned an interesting fact about Dubya Bush from our pal, author Bob Leuci, this past weekend. The man who would be king, Poppy's Boy, Junior -- who may very soon be leading the free world -- has never been to Europe. Ever. It should certainly be reassuring for our friends in NATO to know just how well-rounded and experienced this little silver-spooner is when it comes to foreign affairs. We were reassured, however, to learn that Dubya can actually find Europe on a map -- provided the lettering is big enough -- and that he's had a number of German and English beers in the past. Just take a right at Greenland, Junior. Don't mention it.

Quonset Point off track

Can you believe the stupidity and/or stubbornness of Governor Bigfoot and his hired guns at the Economic Development Corporation, who, once again, are trying to push for a mega-container port at Quonset Point? This after they got depants-ed and slapped around, from Westerly to Woonsocket, for trying to shove this hideously ill-conceived proposal on the public last year, after hitching their wagon to two prevaricating bankruptcy specialists at Quonset Point Partners.

This time around, foes of the container port are even more organized, and armed with even more damning information, as the truth slowly leaks out from the Missing Linc's minions. The first public hearing down in North Kingstown saw members of the EDC and Almond get two fingers stuck up their noses, and their rear ends tattooed by everything from Timberland work boots to penny loafers by the broad range of stakeholders and opponents.

Among the many getting a good shot in, from the Sierra Club to the Conservation Law Foundation, was John O'Brien of the Coalition of Concerned Citizens, who came up with more of those pesky things P&J like to call "facts," regarding rail transit in the area. O'Brien pointed out that the cost of improved rail service to the industrial park has risen from $110 million to $227 million. But as he said, the preferred alternative of the partial build option left out five miles of track between North Kingstown and Warwick. "Amtrak has the right of way in this five-mile stretch, and there is a `no meet-no pass' rule, which means a passenger train and a freight train cannot be in this shared track section at the same time. Amtrak plans 52 daily passenger trains, so all freight trains will have to move at night.

This means, according to O'Brien, that Rhody will have will one incomplete freight track serviced by a short line railroad, while New York and New Jersey have 50 to 60 tracks served by much better railroads. At the same time, he says in citing the R.K. Johns report, the proposed Quonset Port will be the same size as one in the New York area.

Can't you just imagine how heartily all the yuppie bankers and lawyers who live in that NK-East Greenwich-Warwick corridor will embrace the idea of 20 freight lines, supporting a Macy's Day parade of triple-stacked car carriers and huge container flatbeds, chugging along through their quiet, suburban neighborhoods at night? Nice thinking, Bigfoot. Hear that lonesome whistle blow.

Hogan, get in here!

The flags went to half-mast and monocles were dropping at Casa Diablo upon news of the death of actor Werner Klemperer. The son of Otto Klemperer, a famous conductor and composer, both Jewish refugees from Nazi Germany, he was most well known for his Emmy-winning portrayal of the preposterous Nazi stalag commander, Colonel Klink, in the sitcom Hogan's Heroes. That he was also a fine film and stage actor was dwarfed by his association with Colonel Klink, even though Klemperer also narrated with nearly every symphony orchestra in America worth mentioning. Mach schnell to heaven, Werner, we'll miss you.

On the record

P&J will be watching to see if Superior Court Judge Frank Williams, one of the candidates for chief justice of the state Supreme Court, is asked any questions about his role in a 1985 episode involving quelling free speech and going against the intent of the Open Meetings law by putting a "gag rule" on the use of tape recorders or video cameras.

Williams was the Hopkinton town solicitor at the time. At the request of the town council, he wrote a bill that was submitted to the legislature by two state senators, Albert Russo and Jane Gencarelli, giving local boards the ability to "regulate and prohibit" (nice positive language there) the use of recording equipment at public meetings. The usual paranoid politicians' bullshit excuses were trotted out to defend this chilling action: remarks would be "taken out of context," "maliciously used," and the devices could be "intimidating" to council and board members. Blah, blah, blah.

Fortunately, this end-run of the public's rights and the Open Meetings law got the notice, after it had passed the state Senate and gone to the House Corporations Committee, of Steve "Bad Hair" Brown of the ACLU. Said Brown at the time, "It now appears Mr. Williams and the council have gone to the extreme of having this bill enacted to circumvent the safeguards of the Open Meetings law, and to give themselves unbridled power to restrict public access to meetings." Correct us if we're wrong, but we thought trying to help quash public debate isn't exactly an appealing attribute in a potential chief justice.

Not surprisingly, Russo and Gencarelli jumped ship less than a month after the ACLU brought the matter to light, and the council itself abandoned this repressive measure like rats off a sinking vessel, toot sweet. We hope to see our august legislators at Halitosis Hall raise this issue with Judge Williams, should his name be put forth, if not before, when the Missing Linc makes up his mind about who gets offered up to the jackals for the position of supreme Supreme.

Sleep tight, Meg Curran.

And the Dick Armey keeps rolling along

One of the great things about Texas being the most active death penalty state is that both Dick Armey and Tom DeLay come from there, so it greatly increases the odds that they'll receive a lethal injection. Whoops . . . did we write that? We guess that was a little over the top. But no more over the top than those leading congressional clowns, Armey and DeLay, have been in their ad hominem attacks on the integrity of the Florida State Supreme Court.

While most voices in the protracted presidential imbroglio have stuck with legal arguments, DeLay, inarguably the most offensive of the two twerps from Texas, could not restrain himself from calling the magistrates on Florida's high court "a bunch of hacks." And it was a wonderful moment on Sunday's Meet the Press, when host Tim Russert queried Armey about his characterization. Feigning hurt, Armey blurted, "I didn't say that." When Russert cited the interview in which Armey made the statement, Dickie Boy immediately backed down and acknowledged, "Oh yeah, I did say that." All of a sudden, Dick Armey started looking and sounding like Dick Head.

Of course, P&J always thought "Dick Armey" would be a truly excellent name for a chain of nightclubs for superior behaviorists (male division). Maybe this is why Armey made his infamous "Barney Fag" slur on Barney Frank -- his subconscious Cro-Magnon fear of superior beings led him to let loose a schoolyard taunt and then claim that it was "just a slip."

At this point, some of our overheated right-wing readers are probably saying, "How hypocritical and unfair of those two fags to attack Armey and DeLay for making ad hominem attacks while making incredible ad hominem attacks on them in this column. They would be right. And P&J don't give a shit, because DeLay and Armey suck.

Patrick Kennedy and the Jim Morrisons of journalism

What is it that is makes Patrick Kennedy the magnet that he's become for bad publicity and embarrassing situations? It beats us. P&J have always found Patrick to be affable, courteous and a perfect gentleman. So there's something weird here when you pick up the paper and read stories that make Patrick more like the Robert De Niro character in Cape Fear than Bob Denver in Gilligan's Island, our previous pop cultural reference for the seafaring representative. It now appears that getting on a boat with Patrick could be as dangerous as getting on a golf course with Gerald Ford.

Perhaps there's too much reading between the lines in all this. The BeloJo's Chris Rowland is certainly a scrupulous (and relentless) fact digger, and for anyone to presume that this is a total non-story, as M. Chuckie Bakst pointed out on December 12, would be a mistake. But, at the same time, would any one of us enjoy the type of scrutiny and fishbowl existence that comes with being Patrick Kennedy? Would we like having our latest disagreement/argument with our spouse or boy/girl friend constantly aired in public, for all to see?

While it would be tempting to think the media is intent on turning Patrick into "Young Teddy Lite," this is a legitimate news story. Your superior correspondents are just glad that every indiscretion we engaged in before we reached 35 years of age (and well after, too) wasn't reported in the next day's news. This is why we've found it useful to confess everything in the Cool, Cool World, week after week, before anyone else accuses us of anything. Yes, we're the Jim Morrisons of journalism -- we've done it all and handled it badly. So, we won't be running for public office, but at least P&J have lowered expectations to the point that people are satisfied when we can make it through half the day on our hind legs.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to Joe Klock, lawyer for Katherine Harris, Florida's secretary of state, for reminding us just what a bunch of dumb yahoos Governor Jeb Bush has surrounded himself with. When Klock pleaded Rosa Klebb's case before the US Supremes on December 11, he referred to Justice John Paul George and Ringo Stevens as "Justice Brennan." Not bad, considering that Brennan just happens to have been dead for three years, and off the bench for 10. Klock then referred to Justice David Souter as "Justice Breyer," which led Souter to tweak him by saying, "You've got to cut that out." At this point, Justice Antonin Scalia jumped in and formally introduced himself to Klock, to the merriment of all. Yes, in Florida you get the best lawyers money can buy.

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