[Sidebar] January 11 - 18, 2001
[Philippe & Jorge's Cool, Cool World]

The Crisco Kid

How many racists does it take to make a cabinet? Looking at George Dubya's recent nominations, it appear that he thinks at least three -- John Ashcroft, up for attorney general; Donald Rumsfeld, the once and possibly future secretary of defense; and Governor Christine Whitewoman of New Jersey for EPA. Fortunately, this joke is quite adaptable, so if you want to substitute "incompetents," instead of "racists," you just have to add Gale "Storm" Norton for Interior, and Linda "Minimum Wage" Chavez, proprietor of the Guatemalan School of Housecleaning, who came up short after bucking for concierge at Labor. And Governor Whitewoman qualifies for this sickly crew as well, having in 1993 employed a Portuguese nanny and driver who were illegal aliens. What a shower of assholes, as the Aussies would say; a crew that makes you want to take a shower.

While Dubya's folks have been running around screaming "diversity" every time the cabinet appointments come up, we can't imagine the Tom Tom Club -- Queen Lotsateetha Rice, national security advisor, and Adam Clayton Colon-Bowel, presumptive secretary of state -- can be too pleased with the likes of Ashcroft, Rumsfeld or Whitewoman, despite their similarly conservative viewpoints.

Rumsfeld got caught on tape, cheerleading President Tricky Dick Nixon's pointed anti-black comments, a la "Big Time" Cheney's back-slapping support of Junior's unintended public comment that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer was a "major league asshole." As the saying goes, it takes two to toady. Meanwhile, Guv Whitewoman is notorious for the claims by her campaign manager, Ed Rollins, that her campaign paid off influential black ministers to hold down the vote when she was first elected chief of the "Toxic Dumping State." Guess which minority groups will be getting the next visitations of Love Canal in their backyards?

But Ashcroft, a wholly owned subsidiary of the religious right, is the most alarming choice by Poppy's little boy. The proud bearer of an 1999 honorary degree from the unspeakable Bob Jones University, this little gollum -- who couldn't even beat a dead man in his recent senate race in Missouri -- has an appalling record: he has opposed federal money for drug treatment programs; opposed abortion rights to the point of trying to ban contraception; was against federal job training for non-high school grads; and sucked up to virulently bigoted publications like Southern Partisan, which is still fighting the Civil War. The Times' Bob Herbert recently detailed the shameless attack by Senator "Dead Man Walking" against Ron White, the first black member of Missouri's Supreme Court, after he was nominated for a federal district court seat. This lying and spreading of false rumors about Justice White's judicial record caused the Times to editorialize that the Republicans had reached "a new low" in the realm of judicial confirmations.

To top all of this off, Ashcroft anointed himself with oil before being sworn in for his two stints as governor of Missouri, and when he was sworn in as senator from the Ozark state in 1995, he did so again, using a bowl filled with Crisco oil. (Read into that what you may, but let's avoid suggesting that Barney Frank may have done the same thing with KY.) This is certainly the type of religious zealot with delusions of grandeur that we want as our top lawman, isn't it?

We hope moderate Republicans like Linc Chafee will join with Democrats in doing everything possible to scuttle this enemy of the people, and friend of Bob Jones, Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed. We suspect that even "the Crisco Kid" didn't realize how slimy he and his views already were. While you're at it, why don't you grease Rumsfeld, Whitewoman, and Norton? They're going to need it to even have a chance of getting through their (hopefully unsuccessful) confirmation hearings. What a bunch of right-wing thugs. Thanks, Dubya. Now we all know what you really meant about "compassionate conservatism."

History lesson

In last week's column, your superior correspondents wrote of the merit of the civilian review board idea currently making the rounds of the Providence City Council. We understand, of course, that this is not a new idea, but we are indebted to Christine Roundtree, longtime head of Providence's Human Relations Commission (and the keeper of excellent clipping files) for putting things in historical context. Christine recently sent us a copy of a decade-old story about an incident that underscores the gross inadequacies of the civilian complaint review process. The current system was established by a federal consent decree in 1973, in response to a class-action suit against the City of Providence. As Christine reminds us, "the idea of a civilian review board is not new with DARE or Councilwoman Nolan, nor was it a fresh new concept when Representative David Cicilline and I spoke in favor of it a decade ago . . . Indeed, several if not all of my predecessors at the PHRC called for civilian oversight for years."

Not surprisingly, the decade-old clipping featured a reputed rogue cop, Peter Flynn, who was accused of pummeling Robert Turner at a Dunkin' Donuts, smashing his face to the pavement in the process, after handcuffing him. Turner, a 39-year-old janitor at Rhode Island College, had never been arrested and is also, maybe not so coincidentally, African-American. Flynn claimed Turner precipitated the attack by tossing a cup of hot coffee at him. Turner, though, was acquitted of charges in district court, and the judge said he didn't believe Flynn's story.

Later, when the incident was taken up at an internal disciplinary hearing in July 1991 (the civilian complaint process that's still in place in Providence), the set-up was blatantly one-sided. When Turner's lawyer, David Cicilline, tried to call Flynn (represented by an FOP lawyer) to the stand, the hearing officer ruled that Flynn didn't have to testify. It was then that Cicilline and Turner stormed out of the meeting, calling the process "a mockery" and "a farce." Cicilline also called on the mayor to create a civilian board to review complaints about police conduct.

Roundtree, who was also interviewed at the time, explained that many people had no faith in the current system (reason enough to change it, she said), because they felt that their complaints weren't being taken seriously. Others felt intimidated by the police officers and lawyers in the hearing. Roundtree suggested a board composed of civilians and police officers, and a simplified system in which lawyers would be barred from participating -- just a hearing officer listening to both sides of the story.

It's a disgrace that, years later, we're still organizing "blue ribbon committees," and that Cornel Young Jr. had to die to bring about some progress. Even worse, we think it's more the multi-million dollar claim filed against the city, rather than Officer Young's death, that has motivated the latest round of interest in civilian review. Now, that's really a disgrace.

All the news that fits

You have to love the Other Paper, which increasingly appears to be assembled by people who spending their time watching TV news for shreds of information.

Phillipe and Jorge refer to a recent edition of the "Healthbeat" section of "Lifebeat" (boy, there's a lot of beating going on at Fountain Street these days -- and not just of Providence Newspaper Guild members) that featured a report on simplified procedures for CPR. Your superior correspondents are all for folks who take heroic measures to save lives, and we believe in teaching members of the public to do so. But the article in question happened to highlight the American Heart Association's new streamlined guidelines for CPR -- the same one that had earned one of Esquire magazine's "Dubious Achievement" awards for 2000.

The problem with these handy-dandy, dumb-downed procedures is that they eliminate the step of checking to see if the unconscious person has a pulse -- although maybe ProJo managers would suggest scanning the body with one of their beloved :CueCats to find it -- and to not give the Heimlich maneuver to an unconscious victim or attempt to clear his or her breathing passage. That last element gives us a bit of pause, as the AHA recommends observing for normal breathing as an alternative to checking for a pulse. Personally, making sure the victim can breath would be high up our list of first aid responses. But we're not doctors, we just like the guys who play them on TV.

Next week: New, simplified guidelines on what to do if a person has an arrow through his head. And call the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook folks for us, too.

About face

There was a revealing op-ed piece in the New York Times of January 8 on the rape of the environment that Poppy's Boy seems to be planning by placing Gale "Storm" Norton, the nouveau James Watt, and Gov. Whitewoman as the respective heads of Interior and the EPA. Written by William Cronon, an environmental historian at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, it points out that the GOP's environmental record used to be their calling card until President Al Z. Heimer took office in 1980, and attempts to roll back regulations came into vogue among the corporate buccaneers who saw Watt as a very compliant butt boy. From Teddy Roosevelt -- who helped to create the national parks that the GOP business types now want to privatize, strip mine and poke holes into for oil -- through Herbert Hoover, Ike Eisenhower and even Richard Nixon -- who signed the Endangered Species and Environmental Policy Acts -- conservation wasn't a dirty word in Republicans circles. And need we mention our revered late senator, John Chafee (R-RI-RIP), who authored the momentous Clean Water Act?

You wouldn't expect Little Dubya to know more than what he's told by Big Time, Norton, and the corporate whores and friends of Daddy's who advise the little dope. But if anyone in his circle of father figures is paying attention, they know that environmental protection is supported across the board by Americans, if not in the boardrooms of American industry. If Dubya allows Big Oil, industrial polluters, and mining industry yobboes to set up shop in the Oval Office, alongside Chuck Heston's desk, tell them not to take out more than a four-year lease. Too bad TR, Ike, and Tricky Dick aren't still alive to tell Junior as much. But, hey, he'd probably be taking a nap and wouldn't hear them anyway.


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