Dyspeptic conservative
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
The following communique from "Bill Hangley Jr." has become a bit of an
underground classic of late. It was forwarded to your superior correspondents,
and evidently "Bill Hangley" is indeed a Philadelphia personage with ties to
politics and the media. We thought you might enjoy the story, which has popped
up in a number of media outlets:
"So, when the president was here [Philadelphia] on July 4, I had the
opportunity to shake his hand. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not,
but I did it anyway, and said to him, `Mr. President, I hope you only serve
four years. I'm very disappointed in your work so far.'
"He kept smiling and shaking my hand, but answered, `Who cares what you
think?' His face stayed photo-op perfect, but his eyes gave me a look that
said, if we'd been drinking in some frat house in Texas, he'd've happily
answered, `let's take it outside' -- a nasty little gleam. But he was
(fortunately) constrained by presidential propriety.
"But that was the end of it, until I turned away and started scribbling the
quote down in my notepad, so as to remember The Gift forever. When he saw me do
that, he got excited and craned his neck over the rubberneckers to shout at me,
"Who are you with? Who are you with?" People started looking, so he made a
joke: "Make sure you get it right." But he kept at it: "Who do you write for?"
I told him I wasn't "with" anybody and pointed to one of his staff people, who
knows me a little, and said, "Ask him. He'll tell you." Then I split.
Half an hour later, my boss (who had helped organize the event we were at)
came up to me and said, `Did you really tell the president that he was doing a
lousy fucking job?' No way, I said. I was very polite. I just told him what I
thought. Fortunately, he believed me. He wasn't happy with me, but he believed
me.
"Anyway, if you ever wondered if the prez really was kind of a jerk, I'm here
to tell you, he is, and I got The Gift to prove it. I'm thinking of making up
T-shirts so we can share The Gift with everyone: "Who cares what you think?"
-- President George W. Bush, July 4, 2001
High profiling
Last week, P&J mentioned that opponents of the Rolando Paulino Little
League All Stars from the Bronx were questioning the age and eligibility of
some of the players, especially their star pitcher, Daniel Almonte. One of the
main reasons was quite obviously because all the players were of Hispanic
descent, including Almonte, who pitched a perfect game in his first outing at
Williamsport. This didn't sit well with our intolerant suburban types, despite
the fact the kids from Apopka, Florida, avenged being the victims of Almonte's
gem and won the US Championship game against the Baby Bronx Bombers.
A reporter for Sports Illustrated now claims to have an affidavit that
shows that Almonte is actually 14, two years over the age for Little League.
This comes despite the fact that Almonte submitted proof of birth to the
Rolando Paulino league officials, showing he was born in 1989 (on the same
April date listed on the SI affidavit), in the Dominican Republic, thus
making him eligible.
This is nothing more than a case of racial profiling by SI, unless
their intrepid reporter went through and verified the dates of every player who
took part in the Littler World Series, especially the entire lily-white roster
of Apopka, a town that was referred to as an Andy Griffith "Mayberry" clone.
It's a deplorable attempt to smear both Almonte and his teammates, with no
other reason than they made the critical mistake of speaking with accents or in
Spanish while playing America's national pastime.
In the ghetto
The Katwoman sends Phillipe and Jorge a very interesting piece, about a current
outrage at P's alma mater on College Hill, that appeared on www.theonion. com.
Can you say "overreact," boys and girls?
Semiotics department accuses university administration of
anti-semiotism
PROVIDENCE, RI -- After years of budget cuts and downsizing, Brown University's
Semiotics Department lashed out at school administrators Monday, accusing them
of `blatant anti-semiotism.' `How can such shamefully anti-semiotic acts be
condoned in an enlightened society?' asked professor Don Frisch. "It deeply
saddens me that in the year 2001, there are still people out there who
discriminate against a group of people just because they engage in the study of
signs and symbols, especially as elements of language or other systems of
communication." Frisch said he is outraged that his department has been
relegated to the academic ghetto."
Semiotic this. Only behind the ivied walls, eh?
The real Outrage of the Week
During the August 23 broadcast of WSBE-TV, Channel 36's Deadly
Experiment, your superior correspondents were gratified to see former
lieutenant governor Tom "Consiglieri" DiLuglio waving a copy of the New York
Times' business section with the short article describing the plight of
BeloJo reporter Karen Lee Ziner, who was taken off a domestic violence story
because of a complaint from the alleged victim. Consiglieri was, of course,
happy to report such news. Any chance to humiliate the paper and his
arch-nemesis on the Deadly Experiment panel, Charlie Bakst, is a plus.
Asked by DiLuglio if he would have signed the protest letter lodged to
executive editor Joel Rawson by almost 80 Urinal staffers, Bakst (who had been
on vacation at the time) said he might have.
But all the information in the Times story (and much more) was first
reported some three weeks earlier, right here in the Phoenix. Perhaps
our "Outrage of the Week" is that Tom chose not to highlight the
Phoenix's ongoing coverage of events at the Other Paper, which has
contained far more information than the cursory Times story. We have no
doubt that Consiglieri, who delights in torturing the Urinal, surely knows
this. He's extremely well read and, despite what some may think of his
opinions, generally well informed on national, international, and local
stories. Keep reading the Phoenix, Tom.
Mr. Bad Luck
You've really got to be impressed by the achievement of Representative Gary
"Not a Suspect" Condit. So consistently has he fucked up that he makes Patrick
Kennedy look like George C. Marshall. As we've pointed out before, there's
absolutely no direct evidence indicating that Condit had anything to do with
Chandra Levy's disappearance. Yet, for some reason, people see Gary's upfront
response to the situation as weasel-like, complete with self-serving
statements, total insensitivity, and stonewalling tactics. He's somehow managed
to make himself, in the eyes of a substantial amount of the public (if not the
DC police), a suspect nonetheless.
No matter what, the guy just can't catch a break. First, he offers to take a
polygraph test to demonstrate both his good will and lack of involvement in Ms.
Levy's disappearance. But, guess what? He gets called on it, because his guys
would be doing the testing, and some people think it's not entirely kosher when
you're the one who hired and paid the "independent" experts.
Then he has this minor misunderstanding with Mrs. Levy. When she asked him,
point blank, if he was having an affair with her daughter, Gary said no. Must
have been some kind of simple misunderstanding, or as Gary's attorney, Abbe
Lowell, initially claimed, "It was taken out of context." Maybe Gary thought
she said "hair," instead of "affair." Obviously, he has some issues with hair.
Long before the Chandra disappearance, it was reported that he would go weekly
to get his hair styled and colored, arriving after hours and under an assumed
name.
Then there's that little misunderstanding with Chandra's aunt, Linda Zamsky,
the missing intern's confidant. Zamsky said Chandra told her about all the
rules she had to follow in her relationship with Condit (don't bring ID, hail
cabs separately, etc.), which were obviously made up by either Chandra or Aunt
Linda because, well, they're just fun, zany creative types.
And what about Anne Marie Smith, the flight attendant who somehow ended up
receiving an affidavit demanding that she deny any relationship with Gary! Gary
said he didn't know anything about it, that it was just some lawyers (those
lawyers -- always acting on their own!). Plus, he told Connie Chung that he
didn't even have a relationship with Anne Marie. What would ever lead her to
believe that 10 months or so of regular sexual liaisons is a "relationship?"
Somebody better set this woman straight.
And, Connie Chung . . . talk about not being able to catch a break! Gary
selects Connie Chung to do the interview with him, because, well, he's a great
guy and knows that Connie's gotten a bad rap as being a creampuff interviewer
because, well . . . she's kind of a creampuff interviewer. But even though she
goes along with all the restrictions (exactly 30 minutes, no editing, etc.)
that Gary demands for the interview, Connie all of sudden becomes "Crouching
Interviewer, Hidden Agenda" and asks these totally uncalled for "tough
questions."
Poor Gary, he just can't catch a break. We'll bet people won't even believe it
when he announces he won't be running for re-election, because he wants to
"spend more time with his family."
A true loss
Phillipe and Jorge's column had gone to press last week when we first heard
that Barbara Burlingame, the state representative from Woonsocket and executive
director of Sojourner House, had passed away, due to cancer. The flags at Casa
Diablo are at half-mast.
Phillipe once served on the board of directors of Sojourner House. The
organization's efforts to aid and protect battered women are exemplary, and
Barbara Burlingame was a major factor in that success. More than one person
involved in fighting domestic violence mentioned how much Barbara's influence
and tireless work in the General Assembly aided in the movement, and how much
she'll be missed as an individual and an advocate.
Said Kathryn Taylor, current president of Sojourner's board, "Barbara
Burlingame left an enduring mark on Rhode island's domestic violence laws by
sponsoring nearly every piece of legislation to protect battered women and hold
batterers accountable since she was first elected . . . We cannot emphasize
enough the importance of Barbara's work. She was a tireless advocate for the
safety and protection of victims of domestic abuse."
For her many friends and colleagues, who we know miss her greatly, take
comfort in the fact that Barbara helped so many and cared so much. The loss is
all of ours.
Send real imitation crab legs and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: August 31 - September 6, 2001
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