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BY PHILLIPE & JORGE

At least pigs feeding at a trough aren't expected to have scruples or morals, and they certainly don't have the ability to be so duplicitous and cynical as to be revolting. Not so lobbyists in Washington, DC.

As P&J noted here last week, the K Street bandits have done everything -- including declaring it their patriotic duty -- to get tax breaks on overseas services for such Big Biz clients as GE and IBM in the "economic stimulus" bill being pushed by Dubya and his GOP colleagues in Congress. Needless to say, the latter are wholly owned subsidiaries of Corporate America. This comes at the expense of the average citizen who's going to take the recession in the teeth, especially in light of September 11.

Did someone say 9-11? This is the justification being used by lobbyists for everything from getting the aforementioned tax breaks to drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. The New York Times quoted Representative Edward Markey of Massachusetts, who says he's now hearing lines like, "The challenge is terrorism. The answer is to re-establish telecommunications monopolies . . . The challenge is terrorism. The answer is a $15 billion retroactive tax break to scores of corporations."

While this use of the terrorist attacks on America is heinous, Markey felt there are some lobbyists who can still toddle about on their hind legs: "No self-respecting lobbyist," he told the Times, "repackaged his position as a patriotic response to this tragedy." Well, self-respect, obviously, is at a premium in the nation's capitol these days. The attitude of these gutter-crawling white men in suits is summed up by James Albertine, a lobbyist quoted in the same article: "What happened is a tragedy, certainly, but there are opportunities. We're in business. This is not a charity." Not that you would know a charity if you saw one, Mr. Albertine. Sleep tight, Milo Mindbender.

Meanwhile, Phillipe & Jorge have been wondering about some of the unspoken "opportunities" that might be cropping up for some of our least favorite "public servants." The current atmosphere has certainly been an opportunity for Attorney General Ashcroft (who, like Falwell and Robertson, wears his authoritarian-style religious zealotry on his sleeve) to attack state laws in Oregon and California favoring assisted suicide and the availability of medical marijuana.

Of course, a real conservative (think of the late Barry Goldwater) would stand tall for state's rights. Ashcroft's actions vis-a-vis assisted suicide and medical marijuana underscore the fact that he's no conservative, but merely an old-school fascist.

Your superior correspondents have also been wondering how long Vice President Dick "Undisclosed Secure Location" Cheney will be around. We believe Tom Ridge's appointment as head ramrod of homeland security was a clear indication that Dubya is hedging his bets with his formidable but medically shaky veep -- a guy who could be one slice of steamship round away from purchasing the farm. We figure it was Daddy who made W take Cheney in the first place, and now that he's got his walkin' 'n' gum-chewin' presidential rhythms down, he'll revert to his first choice, Ridge.

But W needs to burnish the former Pennsylvania governor's name recognition, hence the homeland security gig. He certainly didn't get the nod because he's got any experience or known aptitude in "homeland security." If merit or ability were the prime consideration, wouldn't the appointment go to someone with an extensive military or law enforcement background?

Finally, what's with all the generic nationwide terrorist alerts? What is the point of these "warnings" with virtually no hint of when, where, what, who, or how? Is there some action or posture the average citizen can take that will help? Or is it the fact that by keeping everyone frightened, the Bush Administration will have more sway in passing the sort of civil liberties-restricting legislation its been specializing in lately?

Shameless plugs

Tis the season to give shameless plugs to a few friends involved in various projects that resonate in a seasonal manner. First, local actor Robb Dimmick is sharing his annual dramatic reading of Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol with the public this Tuesday, December 11 at 7 p.m. at the Old State House (150 Benefit St., Providence). Admission is free. Robb has been doing his reading for 20 years, garnering praise from the likes of folklorist Michael Bell ("a stunning reading. It draws you into Christmas.") and historian Rosalind Wiggins ("wonderful and mesmerizing . . . makes the true meaning of Christmas clear."). The event is being sponsored by Tilden-Thurber Company, Senator John Roney, Representative Edith Ajello, and Councilwoman Rita Williams. For more information, call (401) 861-7244.

Also, Richard "The Mighty Dickie" Richardson, a Providence designer and longtime Casa Diablo regular, has created what he's calling The Great Orb, "futuristic/aquatic icons . . . a symphony of stainless steel, hand-blown chromed glass, a clear bowl, smoked Plexiglass and metallic cabochons."

In essence, The Great Orb is a tabletop fountain/waterfall that makes a truly unique and colorful gift. Check them out at Julian's on Broadway, Scissorhands on Wickenden Street, or Family Photo on Thayer Street. We think they're pretty neat, and if Dickie can sell enough, he can get back to more important endeavors, like hanging around Casa Diablo and mixing the Pernod and grapefruit.

Highs and lows

Bill Reynolds, in his popular bulleted Saturday sports column in the Urinal, which features everything from sports trivia quizzes to thumbnail movie and book critiques, recently concluded by asking, "Is it just me, or does Osama bin Laden always look like he's stoned?

No, Bill, he's just high on death. Although we do like the idea of him getting stoned, Taliban-style.

The incredible shrinking paper (cont'd)

You didn't have to see any more than the front page of the Sunday Urinal's arts section of December 2 to note that the bleeding on Fountain Street continues unstanched. There were matching farewell pieces from esteemed theater critic Bill Gale and Jim Seavor, all-around entertainment and culture writer, both of whom have joined the buyout-exacerbated exodus away from the Other Paper.

Gale and Seavor are extremely talented writers who have been working Our Little Towne for years. This means that the BeloJo loses not only their considerable talents, but even more of its institutional memory, which is now beginning to rival Ronnie Reagan's powers of recall of significant past events. Sad.

Meanwhile, over in the toy department, the ability of the Urinal to cover sports is disappearing faster than Michael Jordan's dunking ability. As one of P&J's friends at the Fountain Street gulag points out, a stringer covered the December 3 PC-South Carolina basketball game because the BeloJo wouldn't send a reporter on the road with the team. It's rumored no reporters will be sent to cover URI away games this month; a stringer covered a P-Bruins game recently -- which is not only a union contract violation, but an affront to journalists at the Other Paper in general -- and the coverage of Bruins and Celtics games in faraway Boston is being picked up from wire reports. Sports editor Art Martone has done a good job in trying to create an energetic sports section, but cutbacks like these and the Belo Buyout seem to be undermining his efforts.

This sorry situation hasn't been lost on even the Urinal's youngest readers. P&J laughed out loud at a recent letter to the editor from a concerned reader who complained about the paper's deleting the Junior Edition, saying its replacement was "boring." She added, "I am sure I am not the first child to oppose your decision. Now, the Journal is not worth getting any more. I will drop my subscription if you do not do something fast." From the mouths of babes . . . .

Last, but not least, we hear tales of a certain BeloJo car fancier who's also taking the buyout after years of employ. He departed the Urinal bunker after having been treated to surprise from his family. The loved ones snuck a serenading guitarist into the downtown Sunday room offices. The song of choice, which had been played quietly of late on the stereo in the departing worker's cubicle? Johnny Paycheck's famous "Take This Job and Shove It." How sentimental.

Who gives a (damn) what you think?

The Almond administration is keeping up the grand tradition as articulated by director of administration Bob Carl to the Urinal's M. Chuckie Bakst recently -- "Who gives a (damn) what you think?" Bigfoot's gang of incompetents at the Economic Development Corporation again deftly sidestepped any public scrutiny by issuing a bid for an economic market analysis for a container port at Quonset Point without telling its own Quonset Point-Davisville Advisory Committee.

The economic analysis is part of the bigger Environmental Impact Study for the proposed port, which, of course, is only one option for QP-D. (Yes, you're right, that constant claim by Bigfoot and his EDC stooges doesn't even pass the laugh test.) The bid request was quietly issued on November 16, and supposedly the QP-D committee, which had no indication it was going out already, was to have been briefed about it three days later at their regular meeting.

When George Mason, the Missing Linc's primary port proponent and the intended leader of the briefing, begged off to other considerations, neither EDC honcho Steamy Tom Schumpert, top QP-D aide George Prete, nor the EDC's unctuous little legal git, Rob Stolzman, bothered to sub for Mason or even inform the committee that the bid was already out. As opponents of the port -- and they are legion -- know well enough by now: sleep with one eye open.

RIP

George Harrison. As a Beatle, he changed the culture. As an artist, he made memorable music, and as a person, he was a pilgrim, seeking that which is important in a world too caught up in material pursuits.

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Issue Date: December 7 - 13, 2001


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