Sorry, we're from Dallas
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
Every week, it seems, there's another example of the Urinal losing its
journalistic sagacity. Its parent, the Belo Company, could be emerging as
something resembling the Enron of the newspaper business -- yet another band of
conscienceless Texas moneygrubbers who tout their Providence product as
first-rate while quietly gutting the operation by siphoning its resources.
Case in point this time was Winter Olympics coverage on Monday, February 11.
The Other Paper ran a rather minor Associated Press story about Kelly Clark,
America's first gold medal winner, who captured the prize in the women's
half-pipe snowboarding competition. The story was tucked away on page 6 of the
sports section, and the Urinal's Web site had a story by a reporter for Belo's
favorite child, the Dallas Morning News.
Meanwhile, the New York Times featured Clark's exploits on the front
page of the toy section, with an interesting informational tidbit -- Clark, a
Vermont native, had deferred her URI admission to practice for the Olympics in
California and she's now expected to enroll at Kingston next fall.
This item seemed to escape the notice of the intrepid BeloJo Dallas scribe,
unaware either of the Urinal's existence or the fact that anyone in the news
with the slightest connection to the Biggest Little is slobbered over in the
Other Paper (increase that tenfold if the subject has anything to do with the
Survivor TV travesty). Another big news day, and the resumes continue to
fly out the door at Fountain Street.
What goes around . . .
P&J were delighted to see a letter to the editor of the Urinal from the
amazing Bob Finke, former Channel 12 station manager, in the February 11
edition of the Urinal. Finke, for newcomers, gained local fame years ago by
telling a gathering of URI journalism majors and members of the Rhode Island
Press Association, "Our viewers are dumb as shit." This was the rationale for
the lowest common denominator infotainment that Bob was championing as
legitimate news at WPRI in those days, and the remark was widely publicized in
the local media.
Phillipe happened to be chairing the panel at which the remark was made, and
it took him 10 minutes to recover from laughing at Finke's audacity and the
dropped jaws of everyone in the room. (Finke, of course, was right.)
With the letter, Bad Bob was weighing in with a little reminder, now that the
Catholic Church hereabouts appears to have become an official safe house for
ordained pedophiles, pederasts, and child sexual abusers. Ten years ago,
following his broadcast of a controversial feature on WPRI, entitled "Love in
the Rectory," local Catholic priests were calling for a boycott of Channel 12.
Imagine the temerity in suggesting the clergy was perpetrating such crimes!
It's just like Finke to want to make sure a person knows who is getting the
last laugh, and P&J are happy to once again chortle right along with him.
We miss ya, Mr. Finke. But just kind of, so please stay out in California.
Rush'n the Patriots
Not wishing anyone else ill health-wise, your superior correspondents are glad
to hear that right-wing radio comedian Rush Limbaugh's ear operation was
successful and his hearing has been restored as a result. There is, however,
another organ above Limbaugh's shoulders that needs immediate attention.
Limbaugh maintained on his nationally syndicated radio show, on the day after
the electrifying Super Bowl win by our New England Patriots, that the Pats
were, for all intents and purposes, "socialists." Evidence of lefty politics
includes the shunning of individually introducing team members, favoring
instead being introduced as a team. Clear evidence, says Limbaugh, of antipathy
for the rugged individualism that made this country great. The other piece of
damning evidence is that the Pats hail from Massachusetts, which is represented
in the US Senate by the BMW Bolshevik, Ted Kennedy.
Of course, as Rush could tell you, the world is entirely black and white,
there is right and wrong, good and bad, rugged individualism and cooperation.
We should all know that group efforts are inherently evil because, well, Ayn
Rand said so.
Limbaugh is a clever man, and it could be he was claiming this with tongue
firmly planted in cheek -- a difficult task since his mouth, when not talking
or eating, can generally be found firmly planted on the soft buttocks of the
GOP extremists. If that was the case it wouldn't matter anyway, since a large
portion of his ditto-head listeners tend to be either rabid or boneheads, and
they'll believe any and all foolishness issuing from his lips.
Mr. Excitement
There was a humorous comment by one of Governor Bigfoot's aides in M. Chuckie
Bakst's BeloJo column of Sunday, February 10, which rightly took the Missing
Linc to task for being, as always, too lazy to sell all the great ideas,
including those espoused during his State of the State address. Asked by
Chuckie why he didn't do some cheerleading for separation of powers during a
Greater Providence Chamber of Commerce legislative luncheon earlier that day,
Bigfoot said he thought it would be better if he was to "rest up for the speech
tonight." A good idea when you've got a big 25-minute stem-winder to deliver,
eh, Linc? Bakst then mentioned that one of the guv's aides chimed in with the
fact that the big guy was busy rehearsing the oratory around lunchtime.
Rehearsing? You must be joking! Anyone who heard Mr. Excitement's droning
speech would have bet he was seeing it for the first time when he read it, like
a shipping clerk checking off a delivery's contents, butchering cadence and
syntax, before the General Assembly and assorted political honchos. Need help
with the big words, Linc?
P&J recall Bigfoot's first State of the State address, which was equally
dreadful, if not worse, and upon encountering a staff member who had a hand in
authoring it, we said, "Why don't you underline the words he's supposed to
emphasize?" Our friend turned his head and with a look of misery said, "We
did," and slumped off down a State House corridor.
"Is there anyone in the audience from Wellfleet? OK, I'll talk slower."
The Great Pretender
While neither Phillipe or Jorge are interested in seeing our names in the Irish
sports section (read: obituaries) any time soon, we do hope we get a tribute
like the one paid to Aldric Farrell of Trinidad, aka Lord Pretender, one of his
country's most famed kings of calypso, when we go. Said Mighty Sparrow, another
calypso legend in the Caribbean, of his colleague's renowned ability to ad lib
lyrics while in a verse-slinging contest: "When you think you have him, he rest
a hot piece of extempo on you. He could think fast." Rest in a hot piece, Lord
Pretender.
Dilbert meets domestic vioence
While we hate to upset our friends who fight the eternal good fight against
domestic violence, we came across an amazing example of how so-called
professional "sports people," seem to view what's important in life and
athletics.
In a Sports Illustrated feature story on pro hoopster Jason Kidd of the
New York Nets, the issue of his having once punched his wife in the face and
kicked down their bedroom door before she locked herself in the bathroom and
phoned 911 was candidly aired. (They have since successfully reconciled.) After
Kidd's arrest, the owner of his team at the time, Jerry Colangelo of the
Phoenix Suns, told him to take off as many games as needed to devote himself to
getting his family life back together with his forgiving wife.
Later, though, according to Kidd, Jerry's son, team executive Bryan Colangelo,
pressured him to come back and play, never mind the marriage and family
possibly going down the tubes. Sympathetic Bryan explained, "If I was guilty of
doing my job, which is monitoring a situation, attempting to determine an
outcome while maintaining a competitive product, I am guilty." Who says sports
executives who are unfeeling, bottom-line greed merchants who treat players
like chattel? The bitch was probably asking for it. Asok, get me some coffee!
Bad Boy Bob and the balance of power
Undoubtedly, you've been following the stories, columns, and commentaries about
the recent, outrageous 4.5 percent pay increases awarded to a number of state
employees -- among the highest rollers on the public payroll -- by the
Unclassified Pay Plan Board. BeloJo editorial writer Edward Achorn contributed
one of the more thoughtful pieces on the subject on Tuesday, February 12 ("A
creature of the R.I. legislature"). Achorn's columns continue to improve from
his earlier generic Republican efforts.
Achorn was particularly good on Robert Carl, head ramrod of the pay board and
director of administration for Governor Bigfoot. Carl is a talented and able
administrator who proved his mettle back in his Ladd School days.
Unfortunately, he's also a pompous and arrogant punk who regularly belittles
those he sees as his inferiors. He doesn't seem to make the connection that
being really good at your job isn't an entitlement to be an insufferable
asshole, which, in turn, undercuts his effectiveness at his job.
But this wasn't a commentary on Carl's pathology. Only in passing was any
connection pointed out between pay raises, budget deficits, and the cutback of
programs that benefit some of our neediest people, especially children. One
word: priorities -- one of the key points that Nancy Gewirtz was trying to make
before Mr. Rudeness shut her down.
Achorn's argument is that this is a result of a governmental structure, a
living, breathing example of the need for real separation of powers in state
government. As it is, the General Assembly leadership is in full control, and
if you think this system is working well (you would if you're one of the few
who just received a nice bump on your six-figure state salary), say no more.
There will always be greed, corruption, nepotism and all the other standard
human frailties. But our government should at least be structured in a way that
encourages responsibility and efficiency, rather than allowing cozy backroom
way of doing things to continue, which is what we've got here. It's not that
the people in control of this system are any better or worse than anyone else.
It's that the system needs some serious retooling. Are we up to the job?
Send erudite ramblings and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: February 15 - 21, 2002
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