Jungle boys

In an interview in Tina Brown's new Squawk magazine, on the stands this week, Jorge declared that Phillipe's fascination with leopard-skin loincloths, feather boas and anything else resembling a snake is due to his having watched too many "Ramar of the Jungle" shows on TV during his early years.

"You can talk to any quack psychologist or First Lady that you want [pardon the redundancy -- Ed.] to confirm it, because until you've seen my longtime partner hanging from the trapeze in our boudoir while he `calls the elephants' you can't appreciate how deep-rooted this psychosis really is," J explained. "It's bad enough he has to grab anything that even resembles a snake -- which has caused us innumerable problems at our favorite nightclubs, but the humiliation he has caused me by forcing me to play a flute in front of him and `charm the cobra' in public has been nearly unbearable. Still, I love him and I'll stick by him."

Despite some indiscretions 10 years ago, when P showed up at a GOP tribute to Newport socialite doyenne Eileen "Jurassic Spice" Slocum clad only in a pink boa and leopard-skin breechcloth and began swinging from drape to drape, it appeared that the symptoms of this early childhood trauma had gone into remission. But they resurfaced last year, when Phillipe was discovered clad in the same outfit at the reptile house at Roger Williams Zoo after the park had closed. "It's a sin of weakness, not of being an Alice," Jorge said sadly. "I just wish Johnny Weismuller was still alive, because I'd bitch-slap him silly over what his evil shows have done to this man."

Phillipe's spokesman, "George of the Jungle" Caruolo, said Jorge was mistaken and that Phillipe was simply making fashion and lifestyle statements. "Everyone likes a nice romp in a loincloth now and then, myself included," Caruolo confided.

No fun on the trail

A recent Sunday New York Times article revealed that former Senator "Dollar Bill" Bradley is slowly making inroads on Veep Al Gore, the only person ever to survive being born with a two-by-four up his buttocks, in their race to grab the Democratic presidential nomination. While Al's supporters point to the fact that "Two-by-four" Gore still has a commanding lead in the polls over the former New York Knick, what they fail to mention is that George W. Bush holds an equally impressive margin over Gore, should the two be their respective party's nominees. One might think that high-level Dems might actually want to nominate someone who can win a presidential race.

And if you already thought "Two-by-four" would be no fun to hang around with, the Washington Post recently reported it is even worse for his campaign staff. Some members of Gore's team have been asked to sign papers pledging they won't speak to the media, while others have their fellow staff spied on when on the road, their actions reported back to headquarters. The Post quoted one adviser as saying, "The uncertainty and insecurity and self-doubt have been very painful." The staffer admitted that some staff actually decline assignments so they won't get blamed if something goes wrong and the search for a scapegoat commences.

Naked Gun '99

Lots of activity on the Exposed Genitals front in the Biggest Little recently. First there was the belated revelation last week that Newport's Belcourt Castle was rented out by a group sponsoring a "No Underwear" gala. The party would have passed without notice if it weren't for the fact that the well-ventilated revelers decided that dropping a number of other inhibitions was also in order. Public urination, indiscriminate chundering and the occasional baying at the moon in the wee hours apparently irritated a number of neighbors within eye and earshot.

Thoughtlessly, the party planners neglected to invite Faye Zuckerman, the BeloJo's foundation and garment-loving society columnist. Consequently, the Other Paper was reduced to reprinting an AP story based on reporting done by the Newport Daily News. Exhibit A was a mirror laid on the ground, near the entrance to the party, so that dress- or skirt-clad women could be inspected, lest they be wearing the offending togs.

Needless to say, Donald and Harley Tinney, the court-declared proprietors of Belcourt Castle, were shocked -- just shocked -- by the goings-on. Your superior correspondents cannot confirm rumors that the Tinneys' adopted brother, the soon-to-be-vanquished from the estate Kevin Tinney, is gearing up for a "No Scruples" party.

Meanwhile on the other side of the bay, a few lucky police officers have pulled undercover duty patrolling Moonstone Beach in search of nude sun worshippers. Longtime Vo Dilunduhs are aware that Moonstone was the beach of choice, until 1990, for those who prefer their sun and surf activities in the altogether. That's when the US Fish & Wildlife Service determined that some forms of wildlife (i.e., the endangered piping plover) deserve more protection than others (i.e., the nude bathers who had been congregating on this particular stretch of beach for years). Suit-less bathers now face a heightened chance that they will be nailed for disorderly conduct, carrying with it a $500 fine.

Of course, Phillipe & Jorge have always found thongs and Speedos to be far more obscene than nudity, but we wouldn't want to spoil this dream assignment for South Kingstown's law enforcement officers.

The nuclear necessity

There are probably two dozen or so severe policy wonks who look forward to the publication each year of the Governor's Budget Reference, a meaty tome that only the most indefatigable government watchdogs are willing to plow through. They know that only in this most unreadable of state documents you will find certain of the most outrageous examples of government behaviors.

One of the more revealing budget increases this year is to be found on page 313. It concerns the continued funding of the Rhode Island Atomic Energy Commission. What, you've never heard of this? It's that old nuclear facility out in Charlestown that is apparently only used by Brown University professors for research purposes. Of course, if any important research has ever come out of here, we'd like to know about it. Most of the real research in this area is done up at the MIT facility that costs about half as much to operate as the Rhode Island one, and is also about twice as good.

But wait! The Biggest Little's Atomic Energy Commission has "7.6 full time equivalent positions." In other words, there are state jobs there, so we must protect this little outpost. After all, who knows what politically connected individuals hold those dubious positions? Just trying to find out the names of these 7.6 public servants makes accessing real information from the CIA look like a comparative cakewalk.

The main reason that this shadowy energy commission sought a $27,539 increase for the year 2000 is because they want to purchase insurance. According to the report, this appropriation is "the first in many years after the Commission dropped insurance during budget problems earlier in the decade." So, while one might be relieved to discover that this year the nuclear facility will be insured, isn't it interesting to note that for a number of years now, while Bigfoot was slumbering on the Cape, our state has had an uninsured nuclear facility operating down in South County. The total budget expenditure for this is $732,637. Nice to know that this particular project takes precedence over such other priority items as increases in clothing and utility expenditures for lower income Vo Dilunduhs.

Speculations

So, is Jeff "Pinetop" Pine going to toss that old red rug in the ring as a GOP challenger for the 2nd Congressional District seat soon to be vacated by the empty suit of Bob "Dorian" Weygand? Local Republicans certainly hope so, because then they'll at least have a candidate who has name recognition beyond a few dozen people. Of course, Jeff's been keeping a pretty busy schedule of late, not necessarily practicing law, but appearing on any radio or television chat show that will invite him. Undoubtedly, he thinks he's in the clear, reputation-wise, since the Gerber Babe's in the can, and the Strike Force imbroglio has amounted to nothing (since the primary witness in the case disappeared into Latin America). We say that he will correctly gauge the memory-challenged Vo Dilun voter and go for it.

Meanwhile, rumors abound that Myrth York's interest will lead to her entering next year's US Senate race. It could happen, but we suspect not. Although there is a sharp contrast between her concerns and candidate Bob Weygand's, there is a lot of overlap between Myrth and former Lt. Governor Richard Licht on the issues. And Richard has been out there hustling party support and the attendant big bucks. The current P&J betting line is 70-30 that Myrth passes on a race.

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