Bad for your health

Phillipe and Jorge would like to question the sanity of Harvard Pilgrim's president and CEO, Charlie Baker, who decided to miss Tuesday's House commission meeting on the HMO's decision to pull out of Rhode Island. The move has left tens of thousands in a serious situation with regard to their health insurance.

While the House commission is ostensibly Majority Leader Gerard Martineau's baby, US Representative Patrick Kennedy has taken much interest in Harvard Pilgrim's questionable business practices and accountability, and plans to hold his own hearing in the Biggest Little December 20. Boy Patrick was not amused by Baker's sending down his flunky COO, Bruce Bullen, to face the music, pointedly calling Baker "missing in action." Perhaps it has somehow escaped the attention of the suddenly reclusive Mr. Baker that there is a rather powerful US senator from Massachusetts, where Harvard Pilgrim has its headquarters, who has more than a passing acquaintance with Boy Patrick.

One would think Baker, a honcho in the administration of former Massachusetts Governor William "What, me Worry?" Weld, would realize that Ted Kennedy is likely to get more than an earful from his son on Harvard Pilgrim when they next meet for dinner. And might Teddy not decide that this would be a good time to look into the business affairs of a hometown company? Just asking, Charlie. Smart move.soul. You can contact Greg Gerritt, point person for the exchange, at 331-0529.

I'll be home for Christmas

Vo Dilunduhs everywhere are thrilled to see that the Gerber Babe will soon emerge from the slammer, having paid his debt to society. Of course, the big question is, what will Ed DiPrete be doing to make ends meet? If Ahh-lene actually decides to run for the Chafee Senate seat (despite the fact that pundits of every stripe keep assuring P&J that she'll eventually back off when faced with the reality of fund-raising), there would be an afternoon talk-radio time slot open. What could be more natural than an Ed DiPrete gabfest? In restless anticipation of this potential hit, P&J suggest as a show title, "Eddie's Disgrace the Nation," "The Gerber Felony Forum," or "Greed"? -- Whoops, it looks like Fox has already grabbed that last one. Got any good ideas for name for Ed's show? Send them along to Casa Diablo, and we'll award you with a free lunch at Walt's Roast Beef.

Gutter level

The recent attempts by George Dubya Bush's campaign staffers to, first, pointedly imply that John McCain's temper, and then even more insidiously, the time he spent as a P.O.W. might make him unfit to serve as president, are the lowest level of smearing P&J can imagine. The fact that the effort was joined by Congressional leaders like Senator Trent Lott, who, as a cheerleader at the University of Mississippi was a butt-boy for the football players while McCain endured torture in Viet Nam, raises the stench even higher. Of course, this is always caged in terms like, "Well, who wouldn't be a little emotionally shaky after going through what he did?"

P&J asked our old pal Bob Kerr, the astute and card-carrying liberal BeloJo columnist for his opinion of this tactic, since Kerr served as Marine in Nam himself -- showing much higher street cred than us. Bob offers the following: "I despise the people who are doing this. They are taking the kind of experience that proved McCain a strong, brave and incredibly patriotic man and trying to turn it back on him. It's hideous. It's as if he's too much the real deal and they are intent on running some pure political creation like George W., who they can shape to their liking. They are the lowest -- people who could not have withstood a day of what he withstood for years. This is a matter apart from any issue or any party. It is sneaky and devious little people trying to undo a man by his own devotion to duty and to a vanishing code of national honor. It is such a comment on the fraudulence of politics, on how the best that people can be is demeaned and cheapened for the sake of power and control. Please don't get me started."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves. And Dubya, please don't continue.

Pardon my French

An absolutely unbelievable story passed on from the November 22 edition of the Washington Post Weekly, first reported by the Chicago Reader; well, the US government was involved, so maybe it's not that incredible.

It seems the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) decided to help out Haitian-Americans by printing some brochures on subsidized housing in French Creole. Naturally, this proved too much for not only HUD, but their Keystone Kop partners at the Government Printing Office. When a nonprofit housing group in Chicago saw the pamphlet, they knew something might be amiss when the title was, "Rezedents rights and Rispansabilities," and the first sentences read, "[Y]uh as a rezedent ave di rights ahn rispansabilities to elp mek yuh Hud-assisted owzing ah behta owme fu ahn yuh family . . . Dis is a brochure distributed to yuh cawze Hud ah provide some fawm ahf assistance aur subsidy fi di whole apawtment buildin." To reassure readers that this was indeed an official document it was signed by "Sekretary Andrew M. Cuomo fella."

What this appeared to be a Buffalo, New York's printing company's idea of "Jamaican Creole," it ignored the fact that Jamaicans read and write standard English. But you know those dusky native types -- you just can't understand a word they're saying. Naturally HUD and GPO pointed the finger at each other and admitted no guilt, although how this got past any editor other than Peter Tosh, while ripped to the tips of his dreadlocks on ganja and Red Stripe, is mind-boggling. Perhaps we should give that Andrew Cuomo fella a call, or mebbe juz his sekretary. And, oh yes, the same printers did a Braille edition of the brochure. They probably had the HUD employees smooth out the paper before it went out.

Bali "Hi"

As old Southeast Asian hands, P&J recommend that you spend a little of your Christmas shopping time at the Edgewood residence of famed local storyteller Len Cabral this Saturday or Sunday, December 4 and 5. Lenny will be featuring a load of Indonesian treasures and crafts provided by his old pal and former Leo's regular Jackson Wheeler, who made the rather innovative move years ago from South Providence to Bali. We're sure that if your friends like hand-carved demon heads and flying dragons as much as your superior correspondents, you should show at 30 Marcy Street between 11 a.m. and 6 p.m. Call 781-0019 for directions or info.

International lunatic roundup

Unlike the rest of us, criminals seldom take time off during the holiday season. Their goal is to entertain us year-round and, once again, they have performed admirably in this regard. Last week, New Yorker Steve Lockhart decided to disguise himself in order to rob a Big Apple convenience store. His choice of costume: a transparent plastic bag worn over the head and tied around his neck. While this is certainly a low-cost solution to the always dicey problem of being recognized while security cameras are in operation, there was a little drawback. Apparently, Steve hadn't considered a little something we like to call breathing, a condition that can become exacerbated when one chooses to run from the crime scene. Steve's lifeless body was discovered two blocks from the store. Cause of death: suffocation.

Sunday worshippers at St. Andrew's in the London suburb of Thornton Heath were correct to assume that the naked man wielding a sword who entered the Roman Catholic Church during Mass last week was not there to receive the sacrament. Perhaps he thought he was taking part in the Crusades, but had selected the wrong century. Several members of the congregation wrestled him to the ground, but not before 10 people were stabbed or slashed. We can't confirm if this guy was the same person who has been stealing milk from a family's doorstep in St. Leonard's, England, but evidence suggests there may be a connection. After removing the milk bottles for a few days, the thief left a note on the front steps, requesting that the family order skim. If you're going to be running around naked, you want to look your best.

In Barcelona, Spain, Romeo Hernando Escobar recently broke up with his girlfriend. Not having the funds required for laser surgery to remove the tattoo of his ex's name on his right arm, Romeo decided to use a power saw for the delicate operation. Unfortunately, Romeo found that he wasn't as nimble with his left hand, accidentally cut off his arm, and bled to death on his way to the hospital. Obviously, the deceased had not heard the old Young Adults tune-cum-cautionary tale, "A Power Tool Is Not a Toy."

And, finally, it seems that famous movie stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had different reactions to the newly installed, very expensive water fountain at their Southern California home. Their feng shui decorator encouraged them to make the purchase, explaining that the constant running water would be a sleep aid. Goldie found it restful, but Kurt ended up parading to the bathroom all night long and eventually had the contraption ripped out. In the Biggest Little, such extravagances are unnecessary, of course. If you want to hear running water all night, all you have to do is move to the Elmhurst neighborhood of Providence, where beer-fueled PC students provide a constant flow all night long while watering the lawns and sidewalks of unsuspecting neighbors.

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