Undressed and stressed

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for a couple of years. We have a really great relationship, but one thing she does sort of irritates me. I’m no fashion plate, but think that I have pretty good sense in clothing. She doesn’t seem to think so, though, and constantly weeds through my old clothes, looking for something to throw away, oftentimes something that I really like. She also is very big on telling me what clothes to buy, and when we go shopping, she does much of the selecting. It’s not so much that I don’t go along with her taste, but I think I’m losing something of my identity by allowing her to make these decisions. Should I put my foot down, and insist that I make the clothing choices, or should I continue to bow to her choices?

— R.F.

Dear R.F.,

Many women started out as little girls playing with Barbie dolls. Not only did they get Barbie, but also her crew — Ken, Skipper, and an entire company of homies. Many young boys developed their fashion sense from G.I. Joe and assorted superheroes and action figures. (Male dolls are known as "action figures.") From the female point of view, khakis, camouflage, capes, and tights indicate poor fashion sense, and women suspect that, if men are left to their own devices, the clothing choices will result in a very bizarre look indeed. Women generally do not want to be seen with a guy who appears to be an unholy cross between Spider-Man and Hulk Hogan.

The belief is that straight men have no fashion sense. There is much evidence to support this theory, and the intelligent hetero woman will often bring up the polyester crimes of the disco era as prima facie proof that something is inherently suspicious about the male fashion gene. Even though you may be one of those rare fellows who has a bit of fashion sense, you cannot fight the tide of history. As a result, I suggest that you give in to your girlfriend. Change your name to "Ken" and allow her to dress you in preppy finery. Ignore the sneers from those fashionable friends of yours, resplendent in their capes and tights, for you will have better sex, a matter where clothing is seldom an issue.

If your male friends are the sort who cavort in flannel shirts and backwards-worn baseball caps, you can keep a box of such togs buried in your backyard. Sneak out, dig them up, and put them on when it’s time to watch the Super Bowl or make a pilgrimage to a World Wrestling Entertainment event.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Is it appropriate for a woman to send flowers to a man?I’ve been thinking about doing this, but have hesitated because it might be interpreted as being a little forward. What do you say?

— Thelma

Dear Thelma,

What could possibly be wrong with doing this? It is also acceptable to send large piles of non-sequentially numbered federal currency to Dr. Lovemonkey. No exploding dye packs, please.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been seeing a number of stories lately about the possibility of the military draft being reintroduced. Do you think this could happen?

— Vulnerable 20-year-old

Dear Vulnerable,

I don’t see this as likely since it would be the quickest way to immediately start a huge anti-war movement. However, if Bush is re-elected, all bets are off. His bad judgment cannot be over-estimated.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.