Sticky parting

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

This has cropped up a couple of times on some dates I’ve had over the years. Is there some way to avoid saying, "I’ll give you a call sometime," at the end of a really dreadful date?

— Harry

Dear Harry,

Of course there is. Back in the seventh grade, I heard a friend say, "You’re a nice kid, but who likes goats?" Indeed, this is the type of humor one might expect from a seventh-grader, but if you said this to your date at the end of the evening, she may think you a complete lunkhead and not want to see you again. Problem solved.

It would be a mistake to produce an Eddie Haskell-like line such as, "Gee, I had a fabulous time, it’s just that I never want to see you again, because I know that we can never replicate this amazing experience." For the most part, though, under the circumstances that you describe, Dr. Lovemonkey would recommend saying just, "Good night" and nothing else.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I find most people quite boring. Is it me, or is this the truth?

—L.D.

Dear L.D.,

Yes, L.D., you’ve really hit on something. Indeed, most people are quite boring. This is generally because they spend far too much time with airheads like yourself. Keep working on your personal style and, with luck, you may move up from "boring" to becoming merely "tedious."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My eight-year-old daughter really wants a Barbie doll, but I am cold to the idea. Most of her friends have them, and up to now, I have been successful in keeping her interests focused elsewhere. I think that Barbie represents all the wrong values. I don’t know what to do. It’s getting increasingly difficult for me to deny her because she whines all the time. Any ideas?

—Stressed Mommy

Dear Stressed,

Guiding kids through the ever-voracious consumer culture is one of the true dilemmas of modern life, so my heart goes out to you. The good news is that Barbie is undergoing a makeover. In recent years, Mattel has acceded to the wishes of critics like yourself and is developing new Barbies with smaller breasts, a bit larger waist, etc. It would seems that the newer models, while not exactly resembling real human beings, are at least getting a bit more recognizable (in a Stepford sort of way). The bad news is that Barbie is still the same consumer-mad, upwardly mobile nightmare who eschews the real world for "Dream Houses."

Kids like make-believe, and Barbie is relentlessly make-believe. I’m not sure how much damage she actually does in the context of the funhouse world in which we all live. Still, if you are on the verge of getting your daughter the doll, you could consider some homemade variations. For "Red Diaper Barbie," for instance, stitch together a few scraps of burlap sack and with a hammer-and-sickle embroidery pattern. You could also try "Patriotic Barbie," dressed in the comfort of GI Joe fatigues, warning all the neighboring Barbies, "None of that Abu Ghraib shit here."

You and your daughter (and Barbie) could all dress in black and sponsor a "Beatnik Barbie" poetry reading. Invite some of her other playmates over. Ken and Skipper are not to be invited (unless the Ken in question is named "Kesey"). Celebrate the new, modern I-am-woman, hear-me-roar Barbie by tossing out those lame retro, Mattel-sponsored duds and accoutrements and creating some of your own.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.