The hitch

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I impulsively got married at age 20 to my very best friend. The marriage was like a dream come true for the first six months or so. I thought a person could not possibly be as happy as I was. I slowly began to realize everything I had given up to get married. I dropped out of college and quit doing some of my normal activities and hobbies, so I could commit more time to my husband.

He is not blind to my unhappiness. He knows that I feel very confined, but he doesn’t feel the same way. He is very happy being married and living his life with me. He is a wonderful person for whom I have the utmost respect. The problem is, after three years of marriage, I am really not in love with him anymore. What’s more, I have met someone who I care about on a different, more mature level, and who shares my interests and goals. I would never cheat on my husband. I would also be very reluctant to leave him, because I believe wedding vows are sacred.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I have to decide whether to betray him by leaving, or to betray myself by leading a life of dishonesty and unhappiness. I am 23 years old and the rest of my life is a long, long time. We don’t have any children. Can you give me a word of advice?

— C.D.

Dear C.D.,

You and your husband sound like perfect candidates for marriage counseling. I assume that he, since he’s aware of your unhappiness, wants to address it. He may appear very happy, but if he is the wonderful person you describe, your unhappiness must cause him some pain and stress, even if he isn’t outwardly demonstrative.

My advice is this: discuss with your husband the depths of your unhappiness. Find a good therapist, and start going to counseling together. Stop seeing this other person in your life and concentrate on trying to reclaim the happiness in your marriage. It is not so unusual that someone in a marriage starts feeling confined and unhappy, and starts losing affection for their spouse. This has happened to many people and quite a few have been successful in reclaiming love that seemed lost.

If you have a strong foundation (and your letter indicates that you do), you can change things. The idea is to plan. Maybe you’d like to go back to college or get involved in some of the activities that you enjoyed prior to getting married. Why shouldn’t that be possible within the context of your marriage? Having a qualified outside party to mediate these things can be extremely helpful.

WET SPOT

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. I still enjoy drinking on occasion, and have enjoyed hosting parties with alcohol. Should I invite this friend? If she wasn’t invited, I think she would be hurt if she found out about it. We’re both 23, and have been friends for six years, but are drifting apart a bit. How would you handle this situation, realistically? Thanks!

— Yikes

Dear Yikes,

You have the option of hosting a party without alcohol. If most of your friends drink, this is probably not the way you want to go, but it is an option. If you know that your friend is uncomfortable, or in danger of drinking in these situations, do not invite her.

But if your friend is okay with other people drinking around her, you might tell her, "You know I still drink. I’m having a party and there will be alcohol there. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or put you in an awkward or dangerous position." Let her know that your primary concern is being supportive of her.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.