On and On

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I frequently stop at a coffee shop near my job for something to eat or drink. I’ve become friendly with someone who also works nearby and stops in frequently. Over the past few months, we talked a lot, and he asked me over to his house. So, we sat around and talked, one thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. I went back a few nights later, and we did it all over again. After sleeping with him twice, we continued to talk a lot, and there was a lot of friendship there, so we decided to be together.

We have been seeing each other, having a great time for a while now. It has been about three months, and he just mentioned that he Òthinks he might be in love with his ex,Ó but that he Òforgets all about herÓ when he is with me.

I was devastated, and let him know it. He kept begging me to be there for him, to help him through this, and said that maybe he was just scared to start a new relationship, etc. Now, he can’t be without me — he even asked me if he could Òhave us bothÓ — and I am totally against that. Why should I have to share my man, right? Or am I wrong here?

_KC

Dear KC,

You’re not wrong. This guy is bad news. First of all, it sounds like he was cheating on his ÒexÓ when he initially got together with you. In all the talking you did, did he ever mention having recently broken up with someone? I suspect he didn’t .

And what is he thinking when he decides to casually tell you (after you’ve been seeing each other for three months) that he Òthinks he might be in loveÓ with someone else? This guy is not to be trusted. Stop seeing him now. The other lesson that you might glean from this is how the old Òone thing led to another and we ended up in bed togetherÓ scenario usually ends badly, if you haven’t really thought through the implications of a budding romance.

GOING THE DISTANCE

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been accepted to a school in Virginia for the 2006 spring semester. I live in Massachusetts now, and I’m leaving at the beginning of January. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and I can’t imagine being without him. We are in love and committed to each other. People tell me we should break up, and that I should enjoy the college life as a single young woman. I can’t seem to think that way. I know I will feel guilty if I date other people. Can people sustain a long-distance romance and not cheat? How does one handle the sexual pressure — you know, not having a lover around to please you? Do you just go with someone else and get satisfied? What are the obstacles?

_Anxious and A Little Worried

Dear Anxious,

You’re off to a good start in recognizing that there will be temptations. But believe the phony Doctor when he says that yes, if your love, determination, and focus is strong, you can indeed sustain a long-distance relationship. Many have failed, but many have also succeeded (think of all those people serving overseas in the military right now, separated from their spouses and significant others).

Even when you are not separated by geographical distance, you will face temptations. My suggestion is to stay in touch frequently and regularly (e-mail, phone calls, etc.), and make a real effort to see each other face to face as much as possible. You can do it if you are really committed.