To the woodshed BY PHILLIPE & JORGE

Phillipe and Jorge love Providence Mayor David Cicilline. This is why we find it necessary to warn him that if he insists on pushing for cash payments from Our Little Towne’s five private, tax-exempt colleges and universities, there’s a good chance that Brown President Ruth Simmons may grab him by the ear, march him out behind the woodshed, bend him over her knee, and give him a good hiding.

Ms. Simmons was decidedly not amused by Brown alum Davey’s plan to hold a press conference in front of Bruno Uno’s famed Van Wickle Gate to campaign for the cash payments. In speaking with Urinal reporters, she deemed the move "grandstanding," "just silly," and a "little shocking," and said it would have been embarrassing had Hizzoner gone through with it. As it was, at the request of the college presidents for more negotiations, Cicilline settled for a muted press event at City Hall.

Simmons added that Brown’s writing checks to the city is an idea that is going nowhere, but she did suggest ways in which Brown might aid the city by helping to build badly needed affordable housing or commercializing research to create jobs in the city. The university has often tried very hard to be a good neighbor by doing such things as involving itself with city schools, and strongly encouraging students to not infiltrate the Fox Point neighborhoods, driving up housing costs for the very tight-knit Portuguese community there.

House Majority Leader Gordon Fox, another P&J stalwart whose constituency includes Fox Point, got it wrong in saying that the bill will find General Assembly support because the colleges don’t have many Rode Islanders enrolled. True, but many of the students who come here do stay after graduation, and their contribution to the fabric of Providence and Rhode Island is evident in education, the arts, and the business community.

Get the blinkers off, boys, or we’re sending Ruth Simmons over with a switch.

Good judgment

Hats off to Governor Don "The Don" Carcieri for following P&J’s advice and nominating Casa Diablo fave Judge Paul A. Suttell of Little Compton to the Rhode Island Supreme Court bench, filling the vacancy created by the death of Associate Justice Victoria Lederberg in December 2002. Hopefully, the House and Senate will whisk Suttell through confirmation, adding a fair, intelligent, and fine person to the ranks of the Supremes.

Quote of the week

From Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage, in response to obnoxious, disgraced fornicator, and ex-House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s attack on Secretary of State Colin Powell: "It’s clear that Mr. Gingrich is off his meds and out of therapy."

Wind dummy

Holy John Sununu, Batman!

EPA senior managers have blown the whistle on head ramrodette Christie Whitewoman — famously called a "wind dummy" for the Bush administration by Secretary of State Powell, in reference to the mannequins thrown out of airplanes to judge the wind direction. This for using EPA agents to run errands for her husband, tune her car radio to only smooth jazz or classical music, and otherwise cater to her whims, which read like a contract rider for the supplies in Diana Ross’s concert hall dressing room. One of the agents, who, like his colleagues has been pulled off his normal investigative work to provide security and drivers for Princess Whitewoman, was actually told to sit at a restaurant table to hold a reservation until Queen Christie arrived. He only makes $100,000 a year of taxpayers’ money, so it’s nice to see that we’re getting our money’s worth of environmental protection on Dubya the Dumb’s watch.

P&J would normally demand that our congressional delegation call for Whitewoman’s resignation toot sweet. But with Boy George’s attitude toward environmental protection, it might be a case of "the devil you know." Like so much else emanating from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, it’s sickening, eh, kids?

Colinoscopy

Speaking of Secretary Powell, P&J encountered a high-ranking friend from Washington, DC, who informed us that the hottest betting in town is not the Kentucky Derby pools, but picking the date when the Bush administration will jettison Se–or Powell. This, of course, will be under the guise of his resigning to "spend more time with his family" or some other transparent lie, oh, pardon, we meant "excuse." Colin and Rummy Rumsfeld apparently hate each other, and even having Poppy on his side won’t save Powell from Rummy’s marionette, Dubya, doing the defense secretary’s dirty work for him.

Who’s the wind dummy now, Colin?

Cars and trains

Sadness at Casa Diablo with the recent deaths of Steve Morin and Little Eva.

Steve was a former reporter for the Other Paper, Wall Street Journal, and New York Times, most recently owned his own communications/PR outfit, and was a friend who often tipped P&J off to idiocy and malfeasance here in the Biggest Little. He succumbed to a brain tumor in New Hampshire at the too-young age of 53. What was not mentioned in his BeloJo obit was one of his most oft-repeated contributions to Vo Dilun lore:

Steve was the Wall Street Journal scribe who wrote deprecatingly that Providence was merely "a smudge in the fast lane on the way to Cape Cod." This got then-Governor Jumpin’ Joe Garrahy’s knickers in such a twist that he loaded up a limo with his top aides (and given his background as a beer salesman, a few cases of Bud, P&J presumed at the time) for a road show to the editorial offices of the WSJ to vent their ire. (We can just imagine the editors nearly biting their tongues in half to keep from busting a gut laughing.) Steve always implored (read: groveled and begged) your superior correspondents not to reveal his historic role in print, lest he lose touchy clients, but we figure it’s now OK to let the cat out of the bag. He’ll be missed.

On a national stage, the world’s most famous babysitter — save possibly for Michael Jackson — had to be Eva Boyd, aka Little Eva, the ’60s rock and roll singer who cut the amazing hit record, "The Loco-Motion." She worked as a babysitter for the couple that wrote the song, famed singer/songwriter Carol King, and her co-writer husband, Gerry Goffin. They asked Boyd, who had previously sung only in church, to cut the song, and the rest is history. In a sidebar to this story, Little Eva’s charge, Louise Goffin, went on to her own successful career in music, and has collaborated in the recording studio in recent years with Phillipe’s sister.

"A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul . . . "

Male bag

Your superior correspondents received this e-mail recently and we’d like to share it. Perhaps it will put more of a face on current activities in the General Assembly:

I’m sure you have noticed the attempts of the Blow-Jo to try to exterminate any efforts made by the Legislature to pass a long overdue bill shortening from 10 years to five years the waiting period before ex-offenders are eligible to have their criminal records expunged. Their "editorial" on 4/26 would make ill-informed readers believe that every individual who has ever committed a crime, from stealing M&Ms to murder, will automatically have their records erased, allowing them to purchase automatic weapons and resultingly, wipe out entire communities, all because of this legislation. If you closely examine the article, it is filled with such catch phrases as "assault," "violent criminals," "harm," "kill," and "guns," even though the law will only effect [sic] first-time, non-violent offenders. (I was surprised at the ProJo’s opposition since the local NRA supports the bill. This is so men arrested of domestic violence can have their records expunged also and can go buy weapons to shoot their partners).

I’m an ex-con who was arrested one time in 1990 for drug delivery, served 26 months, spent four years on parole and will be on probation until 2007. I can then wait 10 more years until 2017 to have my record expunged, a total of over 27 years for one arrest! I’ll be able to celebrate my expungement with my grandkids!

I’ve had more doors slammed in my face over the years that my nose is now flat. Fortunately, I decided to get an education after I got out including an MSW from RIC. I actually got a job with the state at the RI Training School, working with young criminals. I think if it were up to the Blow-Jo, I’d be flipping burgers at McDonald’s. There are hundreds of other felons who have turned their lives around but can’t get decent jobs because of their records. Of course, there are many fine employers in RI who welcome anyone who is a good worker and is willing to change (Home Depot to name one).

Anyway, I’ve been reading you for years and never miss an issue. Thanks for reading this.

— Peter

P&J would suggest that Peter is not an unusual case. We say this with the knowledge that so many people are incarcerated because of their violation of the drug laws. "Getting tough on crime" has always been an easy call for elected officials, because it makes it appear that they’re doing something about crime. In fact they are — they’re helping to increase it. What we don’t do anything about, however, is rehabilitation. In fact, we make it close to near impossible for anyone to rehabilitate themselves, hence, making it more likely that they’ll end up committing more crimes.

The expungement proposal in the General Assembly doesn’t even address some of the primary deficiencies in rehabilitating those who have served time for criminal acts. But by shortening the time it takes to have one’s record expunged, it seems reasonable. We say this not because we’re of the "hopeful" school, but because we think the punishment/rehab balance is way out of whack and that after one has served his or her time, they should have a fair shot at becoming a productive citizen. At present, we’re not convinced that "a fair shot" exists.

The war worked for us

We’re just going to have to take back everything we’ve said about the Bush Administration’s invasion to "liberate" Iraq. We can’t tell you how swell the latest addition to Casa Diablo’s Boom-Boom Room looks. Bet we’re the only cats in southern New England with our very own Code of Hammurabi on display for all to see. We’ve also got to retract any nasty comments we might have made in the past about Fox News. Thanks, gang — you’ve done us proud!

Send priceless artifacts and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com