Hail Pucky, well hung?

Art lovers Phillipe and Jorge were delighted to hear that the traditional ceremonial painting of former House Speaker Pucky Harwood is ready to be hung at the State House.

Pucky was drummed from his post after a controversy involving allegations of sexual harassment — oops, excuse us, we meant to say, "He stepped down with dignity after years of invaluable service to the state." This little beauty of a portrait cost the taxpayers only $15,000, and P&J say it is cheap at twice the price. How wonderful that we can honor the memory of a man who was so warm in public, transparent in his political dealings, and who treated his employees with such heartfelt kindness that they sometimes genuflected before their benefactor, no doubt in gratitude for his shining example to all of us. Unfortunately, your superior correspondents will be away on family business when the painting is unveiled this Friday, April 30. We nonetheless hope that everyone will come to the State House to honor the great man’s legacy, although we have yet to figure out what that would be.

Naturally, neither Pucky nor the Joint Committee on Legislative Services, which commissioned the portrait, took P&J’s advice about making the painting more representative of the speaker’s reign. In a salute to the most fitting example of renowned, high-class artwork, we suggested that it be a bunch of dogs playing poker in a smoke-filled room, with Mr. Hardwood depicted as a hound of a certain breed not found at the Westminster Dog Show, dealing the cards from the bottom of the deck. Across the table from him would be an obviously female dog in judicial robes — looking not unlike a flattering canine portrayal of his lovely wife Patricia — raking in a just-won huge pot with the five aces shown in front of her, as a bubble over the head of another hound circles the exclamation, "You win!" Tasteful and inspiring, n’est-ce pas?

Famed Scituate painter and sculptor Armand LaMontagne, who is noted for his woodcarvings of Ted Williams and Larry Bird, among other sports icons, did the honors. The idea of a "woodie" being associated with Pucky is only too apt. LaMontagne also did the official likenesses of exalted former speakers "Milkshake Matty" Smith and Joe "The Prince of Darkness" DeAngelis, so Pucky is indeed running with the big dogs at the State House. Where the portrait will be hung has yet to be announced, but we suggest placing it alongside those of his immediate predecessors, in a spot where it would be convenient to wash oneself immediately after viewing. There is plenty of leftover wall space by the urinals in the third floor men’s room, P&J are informed, where plenty of big nobs are known to hang out.

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

Tips of the beret and sombrero to Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau and Get Fuzzy genius Darby Conley for simultaneously involving characters in their excellent comic strips who have lost limbs in the Iraq war. Conley’s strip was especially surprising because it is far less political than that of the highly opinionated Trudeau (whose work has been moved or censored on more than one occasion). That Trudeau had one of his most familiar characters — B.D., modeled on former Yale BMOC and football star Brian Dowling — lose a leg was even more shocking. President Flight Suit may try to keep photos of the coffins out of the paper, but Trudeau and Conley deserve thanks for putting the carnage of war where young and old alike will take notice. This is very important in a nation where our fellow ostriches will not acknowledge the maiming and killing that Dubya has brought to our young men and women, and the consequent damage to our international reputation. Bring them back . . . the way they left.

JOCKULAR

As sports aficionados Phillipe & Jorge exult in the Boston Red Sox’ recent sweep of the Yankees in the Bronx, spirits are high at Casa Diablo. In such a positive mood, we offer ace Urinal sports reporter Bill Reynolds, a Casa D. pal, a freebie for his legendary bulleted short-takes Saturday column. The Red Sox now play so many night games, it’s no wonder that the favorite TV show of centerfielder Johnny "Jesus" Damon – as he revealed on a television show during the Boston-New York series — is the afternoon soap Days of Our Lives.

On another front, while the competition for funniest ever golf commercial is admittedly limited, Tiger Woods is now in one of the best — and we don’t mean the hideous Caddyshack takeoff. This one has wonderful sexual allusions for all genders. Tiger is advertising a new driver, following the current trend of clubs having a huge head. Our big links star is famous for having a cutesy knitted wool puppet-style tiger’s head cover for his driver. The commercial shows Woods holding the now-talking tiger’s head and trying to insert the new oversize driver into it, when it starts screaming in fright, "Wait! Can’t you at least give me an epidural? How about a shoe horn! . . . Relax?!?! You try this!" Finally, he gets it on and the fake tiger says, "Oh no, I’ve got stretch marks!" Ba-boom?

On the not-so-humorous front, we had the disgusting and annoying spectacle of Eli Manning, an All-America college quarterback at Ole Miss, saying prior to the NFL draft he did not want to play for the San Diego Chargers, who were going to select him with their first-place, first-round pick. Eli is the brother of the NFL’s designated goodie two-shoes, QB Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts, and the son of Ole Miss QB legend Archie Manning, who had to endure being drafted by, and playing for, the inept New Orleans Saints when he began his career. Poor little Eli, who will only be making about $10 million a year, no matter where he plays (if and when he ever proves his ability in the pros) got his wish. Although drafted by the Chargers, he was traded to the New York Giants for their number one pick and a couple more upcoming high picks.

The utter arrogance of this little twerp, who is riding on the squeaky clean image and coattails of his father and brother, makes you sick. We imagine it won’t be lost on the many other NFLers who have actually proven themselves in the big time, yet make considerably fewer bucks. Start running, Eli, you snot-nosed upstart — especially when you play your first game against San Diego.

THE REAL DEAL

Those following all the media blather about the launch of the new liberal talk radio juggernaut (at present, it ain’t no network), featuring The O’Franken Factor, Janeane Garofalo, etc. will surely be interested in the Biggest Little’s new entry into the liberal media arena. The "Political Scene" column in Monday’s BeloJo revealed how Guy Dufault, the self-proclaimed champion of lost causes, will launch his own TV talk-show this Sunday, May 2, on UPN/ Channel 28 at 11 a.m.

It goes without saying that you either love Guy or hate him. His numerous appearances on "Deadly Experiment" on RI PBS (Channel 36) have made Guy the bane of conservatives. He’ll fight anybody, and he doesn’t mince words. On the other hand, the phrase "over the top" could have been created for our boy, a childhood chum of Jorge’s in the Bucket. His defense of a number of Democratic miscreants is definitely beyond the pale. But this goes with the consultant/ lobbyist territory that he has carved out for himself. Fair and balanced, you will not get here. We have high expectations, though, that this will be the most entertaining pundit show around. Don’t miss it.

SOPHIA ACADEMY MAKES THE CAKE

One of the coolest fundraising events that P&J have ever had the honor to be involved with will be take place this Saturday, May 1 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., at the Rising Sun Mills in Providence’s Olneyville neighborhood. The mill, currently undergoing a multi-million dollar facelift, will include, upon completion, commercial and retail space and loft-style residential units.

Rising Sun, thanks to B.J. Dupre, Armory Revival Company, and Struever Bros. Eccles & Rouse, are willing to give everyone a sneak preview to benefit Sophia Academy. The academy, for those who don’t know, is a non-denominational, culturally diverse, middle school (grades five to eight) for girls, located on Branch Avenue in Providence. It is unique in that it focuses on a demographic group identified as particularly at risk. The Sophia Academy program utilizes mentors, encourages cultural strengths, gives the girls a voice in the program design, and provides community service with a variety of out-of-school enrichment programs. In the few years since Sophia Academy has been around, it has allowed its students, middle school girls from low-income families, to flower and flourish. Your superior correspondents are honored to have the chance to participate in this fundraiser as auctioneers.

Take it from P&J — this looks like one of the best and most exciting live and silent auctions we’ve ever seen. How about $100 gift certificates to some of Rhode Island’s finest restaurants? A party for 50 at a private home in Tiverton, featuring a steel band and top-notch catering? Four tix to a sold-out Boston Red Sox game (with a signed copy of David Halberstam’s recent baseball book thrown in)? These are just some of the items up for auction. By attending, most importantly, you’ll be helping out Sophia Academy. It is an excellent program and makes a serious difference.

CO-OPTED?

Phillipe and Jorge found the editorial, "Ms. Gorelick’s conflict," in the BeloJo of Monday, April 26 to be rather interesting. It concerned Jamie Gorelick, a member of the "9/11 Commission" and former deputy attorney general in the Clinton administration’s Justice Department. For all the complaining about Gorelick’s alleged conflict of interest (and there is, we believe, some validity to this), your superior correspondents learned more about Urinal editorial policy by reading this than we did about Gorelick.

What has become obvious about the editorial comment selection process is that Dubya pal Decherd and the Belo boys down in Dallas have put the hard word on their Providence acquisition. This is: "Ease up on any criticism of Bush." So expect to see harsh and close analysis in the Urinal of every little Kerry hypocrisy and misstep, and virtually none about the mammoth blunders of Bush, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, and company. You can pretty much depend on it.

LAST EXIT

Flags at half-staff at Casa D. upon the passing of Hubert Selby Jr., author of the cult classic, Last Exit To Brooklyn, a P&J primer. If Leo’s were still open, it would be draped in black bunting, and the drinks would be on — and in — John Lovell.

Send pretty postcards and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j@ phx.com.