The Smith Hill barnyard

Well, your superior correspondents guess we all know now that there’s an Estee Lauder makeup counter in every hog wallow in Little Rhody. Phillipe & Jorge refer, of course, to what will doubtless become yet another golden moment in the Biggest Little’s political annals: the "If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig" exchange between House Majority Leader Gordo Fox and Governor Don "The Don" Carcieri.

Gordo first used the expression, directed at the governor, in a wild-eyed tirade about The Don’s supposed back-channel lobbying of Democrats to vote against the budget. (Hey, Gordo, in the future, take a Xanax and a cool compress on the forehead once House sessions go past 10 p.m.) The guv returned Fox’s serve when he snarkily used the same phrase in front of reporters to describe the House’s more questionable budget moves the next week.

While we have seen many pigs in lipstick — our old friend Rosemary Pork-Tenderloin comes to mind, bless her chubby little heart — we remain unsure where House Speaker Bill Murphy was coming from when, according to the BeloJo, he told Minority Leader Bob Watson during the June 25 floor debate to sit down and "please do not parade around here like a rooster on acid." (!?!?!) Jeez, Bill, we know what a rooster looks like when he’s in the barnyard, but we aren’t quite sure what one looks like on acid. This begs a few pertinent questions: first, has the speaker ever dropped acid, and if so, when? Secondly, did he have hallucinations of roosters, and how were they behaving? Shouldn’t an interested public be informed?

To his credit, Watson replied, "Stifle debate. Insult the opposition. A very special speaker you are." No kidding, Bob. Who else but a special person would order black lights and Hendrix posters for the speaker’s office?

PR OVER POLITICS

P&J are certain that the reason for moving ahead the "give Iraq back to Iraqis [sic]" trick was entirely due to reasons of security, to prevent June 30 from becoming sort of an insurgents’ fireworks celebration. (Did you know that they shoot the fireworks directly at other people and explode their maxi-cherry bombs in cars in the Middle East, rather than sending them up in the sky, as we do on the Fourth of July? What a unique concept!) Fortunately, the Bushies’ plan worked, because only three soldiers were killed the day after the transfer of power — and doubtless many Iraqis, but who’s counting them?

We are appalled that some people say this was a publicity stunt designed to give maximum exposure to our wonderful and generous gesture of returning a country to those that live there — and please ignore the US military compounds and thousands of heavily armed troops that will be around for about the next 10 years. It was mere coincidence that it was timed to hit the Monday morning news cycle, the cherry that every PR flack in the universe tries to pick, and provided instant photo ops at the NATO conference in Turkey. We were treated to shots (no doubt pre-arranged by Karl Rove, the Bushies’ Josef Goebbels) of Dubya looking at his watch at the precise time of the turnover, and then whispering and shaking hands with tablemate Tony Blair. Then we saw septuagenarian war enthusiast Donald Rumsfeld slip Dubya a note, indicating the transfer had indeed occurred (we’re glad someone told the little dope Boy George something for a change), and he scrawled, "Let freedom reign" on the note before passing it back to Rummy. (Boy, you can bet all that was spontaneous.) Still, not bad for a semi-literate momma’s boy, most of whose writing has been confined to wielding crayons on the back of cocktail napkins.

Of course, Tom Brokaw wasn’t tipped off about this before the entire Iraqi ruling council, so he could be on-site for NBC News’ Monday night show. Tom probably just decided he wanted to spend a weekend beside the pool at the Baghdad Hilton, so he could be on hand to shop at the mall the next morning before prepping for the turnover.

It is nice to see the Bushies continuing to support the famed theory of former Channel 12 news executive Bob Finke, who once told the audience at a URI journalism forum, "Our audience is dumb as shit."

'LENI' SURFACES IN SOUTH COUNTY

Our good friend Horst Wessel recently informed your superior correspondents of a little journalistic gaffe at the Narragansett Times. On June 2, the paper published a letter to the editor from an alleged college student by the name of "Leni Riefenstahl." That nobody at the paper recognized the moniker of the infamous Nazi-era director (Olympiad, Triumph of the Will), who passed away last year at age 101, is a wee bit surprising.

The Times (owned by the New Jersey-based Journal Register Company, a somewhat low-rent publishing outfit) printed the letter despite being unable to verify Leni’s existence or whereabouts (in her letter, "Leni" claimed she had been moving from "dorm to apartment and back to dorm again"). Might this be because the letter was "in praise" of one of the paper’s fave raves, David Cote, a South Kingstown School Committee member, who recently announced as a Republican candidate for the state Senate seat held by Democrat Susan Sosnowski?

Cote has been making a lot of noise down in South County as a would-be apparatchik for the Don "The Don" Carcieri/Steve "Laugh at Me" Laffey element of the RI GOP. Like his role models, Cote’s primary characteristics seem to be trumpeting self-righteous "family values" and exhibiting an enthusiasm for union-busting rhetoric and tactics over collective bargaining. Indeed, the Don has already bestowed his blessings on Cote, and a Wakefield resident told us last week that he has brought Laugh at Me down for a meeting to spread his special brand of unity in South Kingstown.

The "Leni" letter itself is a hoot. The author says that although "Leni" had met Cote only once, he had talked of "his struggle" and "Leni" encouraged him to write about it. Some other highlights of "Leni’s" missive: "He speaks to the common man, the folk . . . I find that Mr. Cote reminds me of my mentor: clear vision, a sense of purpose, a drive . . . I count myself among his fans as we gather to face the storm. I think that tomorrow belongs to him."

One need not be a historian to recognize the references to Hitler’s Mein Kampf ("My Struggle") or the volkische movement, but it seems that 20th-century history began for the gang at the Times with the 1980 election of Reagan.

A week later, after a few of the more educated citizens of South County took pity on the clueless Times, and explained what "Leni" was up to, editor Marcia Grann O’Brien penned a "letter from the editor" explaining how they had been "duped." We know that other letters to the editor have been received concerning the "Leni" situation, yet none have been published.

While P&J found this the most enjoyable reading in the Times since the Journal Register crowd took over, we can’t imagine, say, David Brussat, the Other Paper’s architectural buff and one of its editorial writers, being taken in by a fan letter from "Al Speer." Whatever else you might want to say about Brussat (and over the past decade or so, P&J have probably already said it), the man knows his history.

GOP:GRAND OLD POTTYMOUTH

P&J have these words of advice for Vice President Dick "Big Time" Cheney: Go fuck yourself.

We would normally consider this a bridge too far, even when addressing a profiteer like the ex-Halliburton chief. Cheney, who can add warmonger to his distinctions, is still drawing bucks from the company, thanks to the no-bid contracts it received from the Bushies to clean up (literally and financially) in wartime Iraq. But after Big Time said the same thing to Senator Patrick Leahy on the Senate floor last week, a Cheney spokesperson described the comment to the New York Times as "a frank exchange of views" between Big Time and Leahy. So consider it a frank view from Phillipe & Jorge, Mr. Vice President. Cheney was reported to also have said that swearing at Leahy made him feel better. Go fuck yourself, Big Time. Hey, you’re right!

Good to see that Dubya and his puppeteers have indeed restored dignity to the White House, as they promised to do during the campaign. Now, if they can just get Wolfowitz to stop grooming his hair with his own saliva.

APE OVER CRANSTON

Knowing that regular "Cool, Cool World" readers are aficionados of the bizarre, we assume that you’ve been following the tale of Cranston’s inflatable gorilla. Lloyd Morse, who has a flea market business in Providence’s Olneyville section, has had a 25-foot inflatable gorilla in his yard on Cranston’s Cliffdale Avenue for many months. It is clearly visible from the major thoroughfare of Warwick Avenue, just a few hundred feet from the corner of Park Avenue.

Lloyd placed the gorilla in his Cranston backyard, festooned with a banner advertising the flea market, because it was frequently vandalized in the Olneyville location. Informed by city officials that backyard outdoor advertising violates that city’s zoning laws, Morse removed the banner while keeping the gorilla. The powers that be (i.e., the administration of Mayor "Laugh at Me" Laffey) claim that the banner-less gorilla is still "advertising." Morse feels it is within his First Amendment rights to display a 25-foot gorilla in his backyard. A giant pissing contest has ensued. (Recently, the gorilla has been laid up due to injury, but Morse has put a similar-sized inflatable dinosaur in its stead.)

Robin Muksian-Schutt, Cranston’s deputy director of administration, uttered this insight to the Cranston Herald: "Outside advertising is defined as anything put in place to draw attention." Would this include Christmas displays? How about flower boxes on front porches, or (we saw this just a half-mile over the line in Warwick) an eight-foot inflatable bear wearing a mortarboard and gown? Are these not designed to "draw attention"?

It seems like Laugh at Me’s take no prisoners mentality is starting to filter down to his top staff. Do you think that Scott Avedisian or David "Little Chi Chi" Cicilline would ever raise a stink over something so stupid? By the way, in the same Herald article, Morse says Cranston police told him that his inflatable pets have decreased traffic problems along Warwick Avenue, because speeding motorists actually slow down to look at the display.

NO CO-WINKYDINK

USA Today reported last week that actor Michael Chiklis (The Shield) is a "strong contender" to play the Thing in a film based on Marvel Comics’ The Fantastic Four. Only a week earlier, Chiklis was one of the names mentioned to play the Bud-I in the Michael Corrente/Robert De Niro/David Mamet film based on Mike Stanton’s The Prince of Providence. Looks like a breeze for Chiklis — basically playing the same character in back-to-back films.

Send a nice Cranston nasal whine and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.