Not to distract attention from Dubya’s illegal spying on American citizens or his sanctioning the torture of prisoners, but let Phillipe & Jorge pick up on the subtle allusion to Boy George’s manhood, or lack thereof, by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times. Using the theme of Brokeback Mountain, the gay cowboy movie, Ms. Dowd seems to imply that Dubya is quite literally a man’s man.
In other words, as your superior correspondents would have it, is George Bush gay?
The facts seem to be overwhelming. Georgie Boy is well known for playing dress-up, a la his Top Gun-cum-"Mission Accomplished" turn as a flight-suited runway model, not to mention his L.L. Bean-and-Wranglers’ drugstore cowboy outfits (still with the store-bought creases), ostensibly to cut brush. (And what multi-millionaire rancher cuts his own brush when Pepino is waiting in the wings with a gasoline-powered garden tool at the ready?)
Dubya spent his high schools years as a cheerleader at Andover. There’s a real macho pursuit. At Yale, he was mostly known as King Frat Boy, drinking lots of beer and glad-handing, certainly a good way to portray oneself as one of the guys, hiding any possible desire to give the secret Skull and Bones handshake at a level just below his colleague’s belt.
Love life? Well, he has two kids — twins — meaning he may have had one liaison with his bride to consummate their marriage. It’s hardly a big family. And look at the women Mr. Anti-Abortion Brokeback Bush surrounds himself with: Stepford Wife Laura; asexual professional ass-kisser Condi Rice; and tres butch female impersonator Karen Hughes. Nuf sed.
Men? Well, Brokeback seems to love the tough older tops like "Big Time" Cheney and Rummy Rumsfeld telling him what to do. Hit me harder, Dickie! Lord knows how many times Karl Rove has had to put on the imperial kneepads for a "private discussion" in the Oval Office. And Dubya’s willingness to send criminals to the electric chair, and our bravest men and women off to die in a bogus war in the Middle East, is surely a sign of trying to prove his manhood without putting his own tender ass in jeopardy. "Chicken Hawk" has never had more double-entendre relevance.
So sleep tight, Mr. and Mrs. America, while your commander-in-chief snuggles up with a copy of Blueboy for his afternoon nap. Don’t touch me there, Laura!
THE SKY IS FALLING!
The P&J Chicken Little Award goes out to the Rhode Island Young Democrats, who cancelled their December 16 fundraiser because snow was in the forecast. This might be the first instance of Gary Ley and Tony Petrarca being taken seriously in their prognosticating lives.
As "Chief" pointed out, responding to a post on the www.rifuture.org blog, the forecast by people who can understand a weather map without an instruction manual predicted a high of 41 on the day in question. Note to our John Kerry wannabes: water (that’s the stuff that makes up snow, kiddies) freezes at 32 degrees. That might be a prerequisite for snow.
This doesn’t speak well for the future of the Democratic Party. The Young Democrats seem a bunch of nancy-boys in suits who jump every time someone says, "Boo," instead of saying, "Go eff yourself," or just punching them upside the head. Cumberland Farms, however, is giving the Young Dems a special award for most milk, bread, and batteries purchased within a 12-hour period.
Sleep tight, Al Gore, global climate change enthusiast and obnoxious pedant.
COMING SOON: "CORPORATIUM"
Here’s the gist of an e-mail we received from Richard Walton, that indefatigable information source:
"A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named ‘Governmentium.’ Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
"These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
"Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming ‘isodopes.’
"This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as ‘Critical Morass.’ When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium — an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons."
JOSH FOR SENATE
West Bay residents feeling blue about losing the excellent state Senator Elizabeth Roberts, as she pursues a run for lieutenant governor, should be comforted by the presence of an excellent successor lying in the wings. This is Joshua Miller, and, indeed, he is a Casa Diablo regular. (Disclosure: Miller, besides being a longtime Phoenix advertiser, has a relationship with P&J that precedes our involvement with this newspaper. He is our friend and we are totally biased in his favor.)
Josh has been a Vo Dilun small business owner for 31 years, and his civic and charitable efforts are legion. He’s got the talent and the tools to get things done, and he’s as honest and committed to fairness and justice as anyone we know.
His campaign concerns include inequities in the tax structure, the impact of high energy costs, and how the growing expense of health-care is putting it out of reach for more and more people. Josh has some ideas. He points out, "On energy, for example, we can take a fresh approach to the energy issue that holds the Public Utilities Commission accountable to protect the consumer, not the interests of oil, gas, and electric companies. We must reward those who strive towards energy independence by using alternative sources."
HOLY JOE RIDES AGAIN
Hats off to the mighty Senator Joe Lieberman, now known as "Walking Eagle," because he’s so full of shit he can’t fly. It’s a fitting moniker, because every time he speaks, his forced, whining voice makes him sound like he’s been constipated since the start of the latest century.
Lieberman’s Democratic colleagues are not amused by Lieberman’s comments in support of Bush’s Iraq strategy. Senator Minority Leader Harry Reid and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi have jumped on him, intelligently saying that he is out of step with the majority of Americans who oppose the war. Naturally, members of the GOP are delighted, going so far as to spread the rumor that Joe will be considered to replace Donald Rumsfeld if Rummy retires. Talking about going from the frying pan into the fire.
Last week, your superior correspondents speculated about how widespread the observance of "Festivus," the fake alternative winter holiday introduced more than a decade ago on an episode of Seinfeld, may be in the Biggest Little.
So far, we have heard from one group, a self-described "select group of kool CCRI employees," which has been celebrating Festivus for a number of years. The CCRI faction adds, "We exclude the airing of grievances simply because it would take too long and we work with a bunch of idiots! We mostly drink ourselves silly."
We thank Joanne G. from the Newport campus for providing P&J with this vital information as we track the progress of Festivus across the state.
Send spiked eggnog and Pulitzer-grade tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Phillipe & Jorge archives.
Issue Date: December 23 - 29, 2005
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