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Libido no go-go

BY DAN SAVAGE

Iím a 35-year-old straight male and my sex drive is all but dead.

I find sex tedious and repulsive. The odors of sex disgust me; I find the grunts and positions absurd. Lately, whenever I meet a woman I immediately size her up: is her skin leathery? What about cellulite? Weight distribution? Stained teeth? Arm hair? Bad breath? Even if most of these things are a pass, I seem to have some compulsive terminator-like mechanism that sizes up how sheíll look naked ó in the morning, in a year, or in 20. All women fail this test.

As a result, I havenít dated or had sex in over three years. When I was younger, I never used to notice these things. Most of the available women my age have tanned, smoked, or had drug problems ó and I can read this stuff on their skin like text on a teleprompter. Iíve discussed this with therapists and psychiatrists. They always say, "You donít want a relationship." But that never stopped me from dating and fucking when I was younger.

My other area of concern is that I go weeks without masturbating. And when I do, itís hard to keep my mind from wandering. Iíve had my testosterone checked; itís normal. I also donít do any drugs, and am in very good health and shape. There was a time when just about every girl I saw turned me on, so I know thereís something wrong. So, Dan, am I just fucked up? Are my balls broken? My antidepressants not working? Are they working too well? Should I start popping Viagra and humping strippers, like mom tells me to?

Nothing Arouses My Broken Libidoís Ambition

My first reaction to your letter: Christ, what a mess.

My second reaction: I wouldnít be able to sleep at night if I gave you advice, NAMBLA (cute), that actually resulted in some poor womanís waking up next to you one morning. No womanís ass, to say nothing of her self-esteem, could possibly survive the kind of scrutiny to which you would subject it. As someone with body-image issues of his own, I canít in good conscience send innocent women into the buzz saw that is your cruel gaze. So why not leave all those nice, leathery women alone, NAMBLA, and just be a single guy?

Wouldnít you be happier alone anyway? I detect in your letter a desire to please your mother and/or your therapist by getting it together and starting to date again. But you seem content to me as-is. You canít stand stinking human bodies, you donít miss sex or masturbation, and youíre in psychological torment only when you worry about the sexual relationships youíre told by society ó and mothers and therapists ó that youíre supposed to want. But if you canít stand real human bodies and you donít miss sex, well ... gee ... why not do all the women out there a favor by forgoing sex altogether? Bag it. Sex just isnít for you. Move on.

I have a friend at my university who is shockingly hot. She is also a 21-year-old virgin. She doesnít think premarital sex is a sin, but she says that she wants to remain pure for her future husband. She also says she thinks about sex a lot, but remains virginal anyway. I think she is wasting a perfectly hot body, and denying herself (and us guys) a basic human pleasure. Besides, she would be doing her future husband a favor by gaining a bit of experience. Forgive me if you have covered this issue before, but can you please inform her of the many reasons not to remain a virgin at 21?

Whatís the Point?!

The best reason for a shockingly hot woman not to remain a virgin at 21, WTP, is a sincere desire on the part of the shockingly hot woman to cease being a virgin. There are, of course, all sorts of good reasons why people should sleep around a bit before they settle down, and Iíve covered them in previous columns. But if a hot woman wants to remain a virgin, WTP, you have to respect her choice. And if by remaining a virgin sheís denying her perfectly hot body to the kinds of guys who regard hot womenís bodies as public amenities, well, Iím gonna get her back. If I were a woman with a hot body and I was given a choice between virginity and sleeping with guys who believe that women with hot bodies are obligated to sleep with them, I might choose virginity too.

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. Things are great. My biggest turn-on, though, is when a girl orgasms really hard. I love going down on her, but she wonít let me finger her ass at all when I do. The reason why I really want to try this is because when I did this with my ex she came really hard. I talked with my current girlfriend about it and she just thinks itís too icky and would make her feel self-conscious. How do I convince her that it might be awesome? Or do I just let it go, considering itís her body and everything?

A Sensitive Soul

Yeah, yeah, ASS: itís her body and everything and she said "no" and what part of that donít you understand, and a sensitive soul would never pressure his girlfriend to try anything that made her uncomfortable, and certainly wouldnít write to a sex-advice columnist seeking pointers on getting his finger into his girlfriendís butthole, and would just drop the subject and hold his girlfriend close and cuddle her and put some Kings of Convenience on the stereo and light some candles and make his girlfriend feel warm and safe and blah blah fucking blah.

Out here in the real world, however, boyfriends pressure girlfriends and girlfriends pressure boyfriends and boyfriends pressure boyfriends and girlfriends pressure girlfriends to try stuff all the time ó even stuff, ASS, at which they balked the first few times the subject was raised. Hey, did I say "pressure"? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "beg." Yes, itís her body ó letís be clear about that. But gently and respectfully asking/pressuring/begging someone to expand his or her sexual horizons is not the same thing as refusing to take "no" for an answer. Itís just refusing to take "no" for an answer right away.

So how do you address your girlfriendís specific objections to a finger in the butt during oral sex? You can dispatch with the "icky" factor by going down on her in the shower, ASS. Then when sheís all worked up you ask if you can stick a finger into her squeaky-clean ass. If she says it will make her self-conscious, reassure her that sheís got a hot ass and that it would look even hotter with a finger in there. If this doesnít work, try it again three or four more times. If it still doesnít work, ASS, then she really did mean "no" and you should drop it.

Finally, ASS, just because your last girlfriend came really hard when you fingered her ass doesnít mean your current girlfriend will. Different people respond to different stimuli in different ways. Still, I think you should ask/press/beg on the off chance that this will send your girlfriend over the edge. Her reasons for saying no ó cleanliness, self-consciousness ó are stock anal-hang-up stuff, precisely the kind of excuses that someone who doesnít really mean "no" tosses around. A little love, a little soap, a little begging, and you may help her discover that she digs anal play.

Dan Savage can be reached at mail@savagelove.net


Issue Date: October 15 - 21, 2004
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